I don’t have a link because I just saw it on a tiny local news channel called CNN but Edward Norton has come out against the award show swag. For those not in the know, anyone who attends any award show such as say, The Oscars, gets a giant bag of expensive goodies. Actually, the Oscars are the worst offenders because they consider themselves the biggest and baddest award show on the planet. I have no idea what you’d get if you headed out to the “People’s Choice Awards,” but I’d assume it would be something like a combo flashlight keychain.

Anyway, Oscar gives hella goodies. What kind of goodies you ask? Well, offhand a google search popped up this article which has a quote from The Chicago Sun-Times:

The Chicago Sun-Times is reporting that the gift bags have an estimated value of $100,000.

Basically we’re talking the latest and greatest in tech gear and unattainable items for the general public. So you’re out there saying “Well, why do rich Hollywood types need free shit?” Exactly my friend; Edward Norton is on the case. He correctly notes a lot of people are in need that don’t make big bucks from entertainment. Perhaps we should hook them up, eh?

That’s reason number #42 we love him so much, right after the fact that his character in Fight Club wants to fight William Shatner.

Judith Regan, the would-be publisher of O.J. Simpson’s debut foray into literary fiction, If I Did It, was fired by publisher HarperCollins after she reportedly made anti-Semitic comments in a conversation with a company lawyer. The details are still murky, but Gawker’s on the case, as this is, like, totally their equivalent of a Britney Spears crotch shot. Stay tuned.

Okay, Admittedly Monday morning is not the ideal time to take it down a notch, but this is a hauntingly beautiful song by Damien Rice. Lisa Hannigan and Damien take over Jay Leno’s show for a few minutes and we’re all a little more introspective for the moment. I’m only throwing this out because EvilT will probably give you an official Monday Morning Music effort and after JT and The Silversun Pickups this weekend you owe me one.

Beet, if you want to murder me I stand at the ready.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEGT_5IkrgE]

Here is a gift idea ladies and gentlemen…buy a night with manwhore Vincent Gallo for that “hard to buy for” person on your Hannukah/Christmas list.

Who is Vincent Gallo you ask? He was in a bunch of films that a lot of people I guess enjoy since he is sort of “famous” but the one that has given him notoriety is “Brown Bunny.” I have to admit that I have seen “Brown Bunny,” the “art house/porn film” starring both Gallo and weirdo Chloe Sevigny. In the film there is an infamous oral sex scene which was a bit shocking because Vincent Gallo has used the movie as a general penis advertisement since then. It is full frontal and evidently the real deal. (ie- yes folks, she swallows) Piggybacking on the success of his penis on film, Vincent Gallo as offered to let women buy the use of his man meat in real life. First he offered himself up for $50,000 and though nobody thought that was a great deal he has upped it to $100,000 plus travel, food, lube, etc… This quote really makes me want to throw up in my mouth,

“Heavy-set, older red-heads and even black chicks can have me if they can pay the bill. No real female will be refused. However, I highly frown upon any male having even the slightest momentary thought or wish that they could ever become my client. No way, José.”

Awesome. Way to be politically correct Vincent. Anyway, I’m not sure how to contact him to take him up on his offer but he isn’t a small man so I guess for someone he will “rock your world.” You have to get over that paying for sex thing but guys do it all the time…right?

Britney can’t figure out how to get her car to start and has to ask the paparazzi for help. [X17]

Mary-Kate Olsen’s body is now so malnourished it is unable to sustain the pigmentation in her hair. [Perez Hilton]

Matt Damon thinks the Bush twins ought to serve in Iraq. He and fellow four-star general Robert DeNiro were discussing the war for a segment of Hardball. [Glitterati]

Congratulations to Jillian Barberie! The Good Day LA host is expecting a baby. [Tabloid Whore]

Where has Jennifer Lopez been the past year? Well, aside from her inexplicable attendance at Tom Cruise’s wedding, she’s also been working on a Spanish-language album to be released early next year. Check out a sneak peak of the first single, “Que Hiciste.” [Just Jared]

Music producer J.R. Rotem, 31, fresh off his fling with Britney Spears, shows up at Koi holding hands with Hayden Panettiere, 17. [Dirty Laundry]

…but, if you care, she turned herself into a NY court on Friday, for the aforementioned threats of sexual molestation issued toward a dog.

There’s a stint in rehab there, and some previous missed court appearances, blah blah blah, but am I the only one who’s noticed that none of that matters? Because this is the most hilarious court case in the history of the world (seriously, I ran a LexisNexis search, and this is it).

The complaint was originally filed by Lyonne’s former roommate, who claimed that Natasha trashed their apartment, then banged on a neighbor’s door, rushed into the apartment and picked up the neighbor’s dog, speaking the words: “I’m going to sexually molest your dog.”

Oh my God this makes my head spin. So many unanswered questions!

Why is this complaint being filed by her roommate, and not the owner of the nearly violated canine? What did Natasha have against the neighbor? Or the roommate? Or the dog?

Does Natasha Lyonne often have sex with dogs?

What on earth set in motion a series of events that would lead a person to speak, in earnest, the words “I am going to sexually molest your dog”?

I know, I know.

Drugs.

Still. Funny shit.

Way to work that ninth step, ‘Tash. Keep coming back. Just leave the dogs alone.

UPDATE: If you’re here looking for video of the current Miss USA, Rachel Smith, falling on her ass at the Miss Universe pageant, it’s here.

Woo hoo! It was only a matter of time — the details are beginning to come out about Miss USA’s fall from grace. The New York Post (filed under News, not Page Six), reports that Conner has been evicted from her Trump Place apartment in NYC (and they’ve nicknamed her “Mess USA,” and at first I rolled my eyes, but, on second thought, good job).

Says a doorman at her former home: “She does not live here anymore. She is not allowed anywhere on Trump property. She is certainly not allowed to come back. I don’t think it was her choice, really.” Conner has returned to her hometown in Kentucky.

So on to the dirt!

The Post, probably fueled on sheer fury that TMZ scooped them on the story that the first runner-up had been told she’d be getting the crown, did some hard-core digging. And it’s bad. And — oh! — it’s ever so good.

According to one source, “she has a really bad drug problem. Everyone at Miss USA hated her. She slept with Travis Barker and she sleeps with all the club promoters.”

Ick! She slept with Travis Barker?! I thought we left disgusting work like that to Paris Hilton.

The Post also reports that Conner has been “linked romantically to two of the owners of the club Stereo, MTV veejay Damien Fahey, American Idol host Ryan Seacrest, and DJ AM’s assistant.”

Let’s reflect. The owners of Stereo, okay. Fine. Ryan Seacrest? Is gay. So no. And DJ AM’s assistant? Are you kidding? DJ AM has an assistant? To do what? Carry around barf bags for Nicole Richie? Hm.

Talk of Conner’s drug problem continues with comments from another “friend”: “She was latching onto a crew of promoters because she had no other friends and she was using them for drugs. She started utilizing hip New York City people in the night-life scene to feed her addictions. I cut her off when she started leeching off all the other people I introduced her to.”

Why, dear? Because then there was less blow for you? I hate it when that happens. I cut off prettier girls, too, because people always give them their drugs first.

The Post also found not one but two sources who claim Tara liked to get it on in club bathrooms. “She always went the extra mile,” is the quote they chose to print.

There’s also the typical dirt on how these problems are “deep-rooted,” how Tara was never particularly invested in winning the Miss USA crown, and a random comparison to Lindsay Lohan.

Expect an announcement from the Trump organization on Tuesday.

Shocking exactly no one, Londoner Leona Lewis won X Factor tonight. X Factor is kind of like the British American Idol (which is strange, because AmIdol was based on the British Pop Idol, so I’m not really sure how this show came about, but they’ve still got Simon Cowell there, along with fellow judges Sharon Osbourne and some small old guy who reminds me of that little gay man who was Karen Walker’s nemesis on Will and Grace). Anyway, Leona’s been a stand-out in the U.K. since the start of the competition, but her profile has been relatively huge in the U.S. thanks in large part to Perez Hilton, who raves about her almost daily on his website.

Her first single in the U.K. will be “A Moment Like This” (yeah, that’s right, the same song Kelly Clarkson used as her first single…cute, guys). But, I’ve gotta hand it to her, as much as I love me some Kelly Clarkson, this is the first time I’ve been able to listen to this song without rolling my eyes. Her voice is so incredible you kind of forget that the lyrics sound like you wrote them in sixth-grade English after the seventh-grade football star smiled at you in the hall. I’ve linked that video here, but I’ll hand you over to Perez for some others.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_IRFPaEYStE]