And even for those who don’t you’ll laugh at this. JT is bringing funny back too. This here is the full on dirty word version of Saturday Night’s triumphant digital short.

You know when you’re schlepping your girlfriend to some holiday party at the house of a friend you’ve only been to once before? And you know which street it’s on, and you’re pretty sure you’ll remember the house, but then you get there and they’re all white ranch-styles with long driveways? And so you’re like “Fuck, what am I supposed to do now?” And you call your friend for the address but he’s not picking up the phone. And your girlfriend’s sitting there like “Um, can I just open the bottle of wine we brought as a hostess gift while you sort this one out, Magellan?” And so you’re like “It’s this one, I’m sure of it,” and she’s like “Are you really sure? Do you recognize any of those cars out front?” and you’re like “Yeah,” but that’s a lie, but you bravely walk up and knock on the door, and someone says “Come in!” and so you walk in to find a roomful of people you’ve never seen before in your life and this is clearly not your friend’s house and it is incredibly awkward and embarrassing?

Yeah.

So then imagine you’re kind of a celebrity (or at least you used to be married to one), and your night goes just like that, and then one of the party guests submits an account of the event to a major L.A. gossip blog, which runs the email verbatim. Because that is totally what just happened to Chad Lowe. Check out the full account on Defamer.

Giuliana DePandi has officially stolen my dream and ridden off with it into the sunset.

The E! News host is engaged to Bill Rancic, who won the first season of Donald Trump’s Apprentice. The two met in 2004 when she interviewed him after his Apprentice win, but didn’t start dating until an interview earlier this year. Giuliana asked Bill during the interview if he was dating anyone. He said no, and asked her out later once the cameras were off.

I would love to attempt to snarkily paraphrase the details of her engagement to him, but since:

1) I am pathetically single.

2) Bill Rancic is hot and smart and charming and rich and

3) Giuliana DePandi totally beat me to the celeb-gossip-reporter-gets-asked-out-by-hot-smart-charming-rich- interviewee-and-they-live-happily-ever-after punch and

4) This sucks and I am bitter

I am just going to pull DiPandi’s quote from E! Online:

“At first, I thought Bill was surprising me with a helicopter ride over downtown Chicago to see the Christmas lights. Then, suddenly he pulled out the most beautiful ring I have ever seen and asked me to marry him. I was so excited I could barely speak. When we got back to his house, he had roses and rose petals scattered everywhere and a big chocolate cake sitting next to a bottle of our favorite wine. It was the best night of my life.”

Are you done reading that? Because I’m not quite done throwing up. Give me another minute. Here, look at a picture of Leann Rimes with her dogs. That should get you to about where I’m at.

Okay. Done.

My sad, celibate, lonely life aside, thisisreallygreatandiamhappyforher. Okay?

Justin Guarini has cut his hair. And, for the first time in the history of the world, the mere sight of him doesn’t make me want to vomit all over myself. Apparently he’s filming a movie and doing annoying interviews and stuff, all of which still brings on the up-chucks. However, the hair? Is okay with me now. He doesn’t look half bad. So, JGuars, you’ve won this one. This brings the current score in the Justin Guarini Sucks War to JGuars, 1, Evil Beet staff, 57. At least it won’t be a shut-out.

Martha Stewart’s found an “Apprentice” that fits in just right. [A Socialite's Life]

Christina Aguilera’s hubby, Fugly McMusicProducer, was spotted partying solo and ringless. Trouble in paradise? [Gabsmash]

Paris Hilton lies about her sex life. [The Blemish]

Shanna Moakler is just glad to see another Miss USA labeled as a drunken slut. Although, in fairness, Shanna was never accused of making out with teenage girls. [TMZ]

Nicole Richie goes grocery shopping. Hopefully for some freaking Midol. [MollyGood]

What’s it been, like four hours without Lohan news? Thankfully our wait is over, we can all breathe easy now that our girl has bruises on her thighs. Wait, back up, let me explain.

Page Six is reporting:

LINDSAY Lohan is suffering for her art - that is, suffering bruises from dancing on a stripper’s pole to prepare for her role as a topless dancer in her new movie, “I Know Who Killed Me.”

Want more? They evidently have an email she sent to her friends where she wrote:

“They’re all whores, they’re all whores (strippers) . . . xcept for some obviously!” Lohan wrote in the note, “So . . . 3 hours of pole dancing and bruised. everywhere . . . I mean we’re talkin’ like, UPPER AND INNER THIGH ACTION-bruised . . . like a walking black-and-blue mark.”

The one thing I want to know here is what jerk-off friend turned this email over to page six?

Spicy Pants over at Celebrity Smack decided to poll some of the coolest gossip bloggers around to get their opinions on the gossip world this past year. She was kind enough to include Evil Beet in the bloggers she talked to, and we were more than happy to share our opinion (we are always happy to share our opinion). Head on over there to see what everyone else had to say!

Britney Spears has lost the home-court advantage in the battle for her reputation. Brit, whose face somehow gained 20 pounds this weekend, showed up to see the Lakers take on the Wizards last night with kid sister Jamie Lynn. When they showed her on the Jumbotron, the Los Angeles crowd actually started booing. Britney has not been winning supporters in L.A. — or anywhere else for that matter. She has learned to wear underwear these days — although she sometimes forgets to put an outfit over it — but it doesn’t look like her adopted hometown is willing to forgive her original lapse of judgment. Or her second one. Or her third one.

As if this weren’t enough, the Jumbotron later focused on a K-Fed lookalike, prompting cheers from the audience. Britney left the game before half-time, visibly upset about the incident. Even more distressing, the Lakers lost in overtime.