I felt sure we would hear that Billy Mays died from a head trauma much the way Natasha Richardson had, especially after he admitted that he was bumped on the head while on a Philadelphia to Tampa flight.

An autopsy was performed today and the medical examiner saw no signs of either external or internal injury.  The coroner did find evidence of hardening of the arteries and believes that Mays probably died from heart failure.

No word yet on what will happen with the upcoming second season of TLC’s Pitchmen that Billy co-starred in with his best friend and fellow TV sales dude Anthony Sullivan.

It looks like the divorce between Usher and Tameka Foster is going to go down in history as your typical, hideous blood bath.

According to the National Enquirer, Usher has requested a DNA test for the younger son that he had allegedly fathered with Foster.  According to one of those pesky “unnamed source” people, Usher believed that Tameka was cheating during the time that the child was conceived.  Also, he travelled quite a bit for work, leaving little time for procreation.

Sigh.  How many After School Specials and Lifetime movies do we have to watch before we learn that it only takes one time?  I remember when I was twelve I read a letter in Dear Abby from a girl who got pregnant without even havingsex.  I’m actually pretty convinced that was a fake letter, but I still get nervous around heavy petters. 

Anyway, time will tell if the six-month-old Naviyd is his.  Either way, it’s safe to expect many more accusations to be flying in each direction before this runaway train screeches to a halt.

Okay you guys, check it out. Later today, when someone’s all like, “Hey did you hear that Michael Jackson’s mother got temporary custody of the kids?”, you get to be all like, “Oh, yes, I think I heard that. I don’t know. I don’t follow celebrity gossip that closely; it all seems so silly to me. But I was relieved to hear about the Madoff sentencing today.”

Bernie Madoff, the evil New York financier who swindled investors out of billions of dollars using a Ponzi scheme (that’s your fancy word for the day — learn more about it here), was today sentenced to 150 years in prison for his crimes.

“I’m responsible for a great deal of suffering and pain, I understand that,” the 71-year-old financier told the court. “I live in a tormented state now, knowing all of the pain and suffering that I’ve created. I’ve left a legacy of shame, as some of my victims have pointed out, to my family and my grandchildren.”

Madoff’s crimes destroyed the life savings of many of his investors, leaving them working multiple jobs and barely scraping by in their retirement years.

“How could someone do this to us?” said Dominic Ambrosino, a retired New York City corrections officer who said he lost his life savings with Mr. Madoff and was the first victim to speak. “We worked honestly and so hard.”

A Los Angeles County Superior Court judge issued a ruling this morning granting temporary guardianship of Michael Jackson’s three children to his mother, Katherine Jackson. Judge Mitchell Beckloff has set a hearing for July 6 at 8:30 a.m. for the case, where the children do not have to be present.

Prince Michael Jr., 12, Paris Michael Katherine, 11, and Prince Michael II, 7, are living with their grandmother and their grandfather, Joe Jackson, and have a “long established relationship” with her, the filing stated.

My gosh, I didn’t realize those kids have gotten to be so old! In my mind, they’re all still little babies, but Prince and Paris are in middle-school by now. The fact that I was unaware of their ages speaks volumes about what a good job the Jackson family has done of keeping them out of the spotlight. I wonder if they’ll eventually decide they want to be public figures. I don’t know why, but I have this hunch that in ten years we’re going to be seeing the Prince Michael Jackson album shoot to the top of the charts.

Anyway, Debbie Rowe (who’s the biological mother of the two older kids — the youngest was conceived by a surrogate), is still seeking custody of the children. I don’t know all the legal ins and outs here, but I do know that courts are almost always inclined to grant custody to the biological mother in cases like this. (I know that from attending my law school, Law & Order, for over a decade.) I can only hope they make the decision that’s in the best interest of these children.

There is a long list of people who ought to be penning thank-you notes to Michael Jackson’s estate right now. These people include Senator John Ensign, Governor Mark Sanford, and Leighton Meester. With the media insanity surrounding MJ’s death, the cheating scandals of Ensign and Sanford have disappeared from view like a political penis into an intern’s hoo-hah, and we’ve now forgotten entirely about Leighton Meester’s little foot-job sex tape.

Luckily for Leighton, she’s got a chance to be back in the spotlight for something other than her fancy footwork — her latest track with Cobra Starship, “Good Girls Go Bad,” is poised to be one of the hottest songs of the summer. I told you guys about this song back in May, when it had first hit the Internet, and it’s starting to get widespread radio play and gain popularity now. I LOVE this track. I just can’t get enough of it. The video was just released — enjoy!

Hi y’all! I know I was MIA last week — I took a much-needed vacation, and I can’t thank Wendie and Kelly enough for doing such an incredible job in my absence. I’d be lost without those two. But I’m back now, and I have a lot to say about a lot of the things that have been going on, but up first: Alanis Morrissette.

Apparently Alanis figures that if Scarlett Johansson can step in on her ex-fiance and release an album, the least she can do is invade one part of Scarlett’s world: acting. Alanis is already slated for a role in the upcoming Lindsay Lohan oeuvre, The Other Side, and now it looks like she landed a guest spot on Weeds, too. Starting July 20, she’ll be playing Nancy’s no-nonsense clinic obstetrician Dr. Audra Kitson for a seven-episode arc. A pic of her in the role is above.

This weekend Kelly gave us all the details of an interview Michael Jackson’s ex-wife Debbie Rowe granted to News of the World.  Well, NOTWis confused or doesn’t know what to do when they aren’t writing about Amy Winehouse because, according to Debbie Rowe, this one-on-one chit-chat never happened.

To recap:  Debbie didn’t say that Michael wasn’t the biological father of their kids, she didn’t say that she didn’t want custody of the kids, and she didn’t say that the two never had sex.  As a matter of fact, it’s like the article never even happened since NOTW has pulled it from their site.

This sounds like a “Shut your mouth, stop talking about our son to the media, and we’ll make sure you get some more money” type of retraction.