When I dated, the goal was to send the signal that it was like an amusement park under my skirt.  Roller coasters, cotton candy kiosks and all that is right in this world but without the long waiting lines.  

Fast forward to Fashion Week in Paris.  Indian designer Manish Arora has taken all the work out of seduction.  He has unveiled THE dress that every woman needs.  Because seriously, nothing screams “I am more fun to ride than the Tilt-A-Whirl” more than wearing a carousel on your torso and a beaded penis glans on your head.  It speaks to me.

 Where the fuck was this ensemble when I was single?  Oh the nameless sex I could’ve had.

Sarah Palin Tina Fey has reportedly landed a six-million dollar book deal.  Not too many details out yet but it is supposed to be non-fiction humor genre (obviously!).  She has emerged as one of the best comics of today.  I cannot even look at Palin without second guessing if it is really her or if it’s Fey.  I betcha it’s one heckuva book!  Tina Fey is a maverick!  Darn right!    Ok.  I’m done now.  *wink*

Last night Howard Stern and Beth Ostrosky made it official at Le Cirque promising to love, honor and tan together ’til a violated pre-nup do them part.  An over-surgeried 50 something marrying an 18 years his junior model…revolutionary! 

Other wedding highlights:  Sarah Silverman’s ass is a handrest for Jimmy Kimmel, Joan Rivers’ collarbone cracked by massive overload of QVC jewelry, John Stamos can be my Uncle Jesse anytime but only if he’s the perverted kind, Chevy Chase is old and bride raises hand ‘cuz she’s Sure.  Billy Joel continues to be a complete fucking bridge troll and Barbara Walters searches Le Cirque’s parking lot in hopes of locating her lost hairline.

Ted Casablanca’s latest blind item sure sounds a lot like my beloved:

It can be a rocky journey to the top, and no one knows this better than Finnegan Furrow-Brow. He’s been in the spotlight for years, but never had that star recognition until most recently. See, Finny’s a younger-type dude who’s been thrust upon this world of flashing lights and flashing panties simply due to his ambitious achievements (which, of course, means he’s starting to dabble in all kinds of crossover activities too, which usually happens with the young, firmly muscled and pretty popular).

F’s tight ass and adorable smile def don’t hurt his fame cred, either, but newly minted megamoney and magnified status aside, FFB isn’t exactly a traditional knockout stud. Regardless, his basically “unthreatening” demeanor gets girls into the throes of his sheets all the damn time, anyways. But…these digging damsels shouldn’t be too eager. Here’s why:

Despite Frazzy’s best ass-getting efforts, when it comes down to it, he often has difficulty knocking the cojones outta the park. Why? Oh, not because of any diss-able effort on his part—turns out, actually it’s quite the opposite, as Mr. F.B.’s predicaments usually occur because he’s such a good guy. See, he got the herp. And being the nice boy he is, he’ll always warn (hugely unlike most of his H-town counterparts, hugely) these supple potential nooky sirens that he has herpes, but not to worry cause they can “just use a condom.”

Cue girl’s exit. Almost always.

What do we think? Is this Phelpsy? Who else could it be???

Oh dear!

Thanks Jordana!

Angelina Jolie is tip-toeing back into the public eye.

She showed her face in Manhattan on Friday.

Welcome back, Angie! We’ve missed you!!!

At the launch of Jay Strongwater’s Limited Edition Pink Reflections Compact. Proceeds go to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation. So, I mean, go easy on her … but not too easy. She is wearing pink leopard-print, after all.

O.J. Simpson: GUILTY ON ALL COUNTS.

ROT IN JAIL FOREVER, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT.

That was QUICK!

The verdict will be announced TONIGHT. Probably within minutes.

Stay. Tuned.