I got an IM from a concerned citizen about how media everywhere is talking about how Paris Hilton was robbed today when a thief stole $2M in jewelry from her Beverly Hills home. “I believe she was burgled,” he said. Apparently robbery is when there is an in-person threat of violence, but, since Paris was not home at the time, it is a burglary. Paris Hilton was burgled, not robbed. (And just you know, I was informed that “larceny” is when you steal without breaking in. As in “Justin Gaston larcened Miley Cyrus’s virginity.”) There you have it folks! You’re all prepared to be detectives now!

“At around 5 a.m. Friday, officers received a call from a security guard who reported that Paris Hilton’s residence had been broken into,” LAPD spokeswoman Julie Sohn tells PEOPLE.

“According to detectives, a man wearing a hooded sweatshirt and gloves forced entry through the front door, ransacked her bedroom, took unknown property and fled,” Sohn added.

I don’t really understand what happened here. Like, do they know what the dude was wearing because they checked the security tapes, or were they watching it happen and just didn’t do anything about it? Also, where was Paris Hilton at 5 a.m. last night if she wasn’t at her house? Did the robber burglar know she wouldn’t be home? How did he get into her gated, “secure” community in the first place? Did he have an inside source? Inquiring minds want to know.

Here’s some old school footage of a Britney Spears audition from when she was just a little kiddo. Um — is it just me or was she kind of a good singer back then? What happened??

Here’s Lindsers leaving Maxfield in WeHo today after some shopping.

Man, she is killing me with her boots lately. They are soooo freakin’ gorgeous and I WANT THEM. I don’t even want to know what they cost, though. Probably more than my rent. I totally have to marry money.

Image via WENN

The women always tower over the men!!!

What’s with that?

Scientologists Jenna Elfman and hubby Bodhi turned up to cheer on Tom Cruise’s doomed Valkyrie at the flick’s LA premiere. It is going to take some seriously intense Xenu power to keep this shit from flopping. I’ve heard rumors that the early test audiences were laughing … at the dramatic parts.

Also: Jenna kind of looks like hell now, IMHO.

Adam Sandler greets his mom, Judy, at the red carpet premiere of his new flick, Bedtime Stories.

And she’s wearing PJs!!

Awwww!

Adam Sandler should have his mom be in his movies. She’s adorable!

Congrats to Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, who just had their eighteenth child, Jordyn-Grace. She was born Thursday via C-section, weeks before her due date of Jan. 1. She weighed in at 7 lbs, 3 oz and was 20 inches long. Mother and baby are doing well.

And, hey, did you guys know their oldest son got hitched earlier this year? Well he did.

Florida native Anna Keller married 20-year-old Josh Duggar, the eldest sibling of the family, on Friday, becoming the twentieth person in the clan, reports The Florida Times-Union in Jacksonville.

The two met at a home-schoolers’ conference in 2006. Duggar said it was love at first sight and he spent the next two years courting Keller. “Dating means you’re shopping around,” he told the paper. “A courtship is the path toward marriage.”

They have kept in touch by phone ever since, including some visits – chaperoned, of course.

“We wanted proof that, yes, we did exactly what we said we would,” Duggar said. “We want to encourage other young people to wait for the right timing.”

Dude. Here I’ve spent my entire adult life looking for marriageable men in bars and nightclubs, when all this time they were at home-schoolers’ conferences. I am making some serious changes to my social routine. I am also going to make sure that men court me rather than date me. Like, the next time a cute guy asks me out to coffee I’m going to be like “Would you consider this a date?” and if he says “Yes” I will be like, “Sorry, I don’t date, I only allow myself to be courted. Please try again when you’re ready to treat me like Josh Duggar would.”

Seriously, though, do you know how I know my love life is really pathetic? I’ll tell you: See, my mother, like, practically invented feminism. She was, like, in the streets taking a Bic to her bra back when that shit was in. She’s always very much like “You don’t need a man, you’re fantastic on your own, just focus on you and leave the rest up to God, you’ll have a man in your life when it’s time, there’s plenty for you to do until then, etc, etc.” And so she calls me today and we’re talking, and I’m telling her how upsetting it is that it’s this snow day and I can’t even really leave the house and it would be so romantic to have someone here to cuddle with and make snowmen with and it’s just depressing to be stuck here all alone and then I braced myself for a barrage of feminist pick-me-ups, and a reprimand for even implying that I might need a man to be happy, and instead she was like, “Aw, sweetie. I’m so sorry. When you’re in town next week we’re going to work on your man situation. We’ll work on it together.” So, ya know, woah. I must be getting pretty tragic if even my mother thinks we need to take action.

Is there any other male Duggar over the age of 18? I’m totally a virgin at heart.

What do you guys think???

God, I LOVE me some Ali Larter. But not in a sex way, really. We’ve been over this before, I know, but I think I want her to be my big sister. I just absolutely adore her. I’ll see this just because she’s in it.