First, the good news: James Franco is going to get naked. It’s all here. I’ll quote:

(James) Franco recently shot a scene in which he doffs his clothes to go skinny-dipping in a pool. However… there are no full-monty shots.

Now for the debbie downer. Sean Penn probably does a nude scene with him. Sorry.

Also, I’m not sure about that mustache at all.

Word on the street is that Paris is back to sucking face with the newly divorced Travis Barker.

Now spies say Hilton, wearing a wig, met up with Barker on Wednesday at the Jet nightclub. Rumors are, they shared a pre-Valentine’s Day kiss.

“Shanna is very upset that Paris is back around,” says a pal. “She and Travis are unhappily divorced — they really should be together.”

What ever happened to Simon Rex? Wasn’t Paris riding him for a week or two? I’m so tired of these shenanigans.

Seriously, we’re all pretty desperate for stories on a very slow Presidents Day holiday.

Of everything that Britney Spears has done and not done lately, I can’t imagine why we all care that homegirl walked out of Fred Segal yesterday wearing a $200 shirt that she “forgot” to pay for, causing chaos on the street. But, like I said, slow news day.

A shopper said: “Britney seemed to be in a daze. She rushed around looking at coats and bags and then left with her gang of 25 people.

“The staff were just staring at each other, then said ‘I think she’s taken a top’. There was chaos outside with fans and police.”

Whatever, Britney. If this is the worst thing you do all week, I’d say things are looking up.

Check out Lauren Conrad on Regis & Kelly.

Natalie and Scarlett have been doing oodles of press for their new movie “The Other Boleyn Girl.” They were on the Today show for instance.

However, yesterday only Natalie showed up… and she did so in something she made in her third grade art class.

Where was Scarlett? Not sure. But they certainly could have used the press as the movie looks to be dead on impact. If you want to watch a dreadful spoiler laden trailer look no further:

In lieu of actually making movies, Lindsay Lohan decided to sit down with photographer Bert Stern to recreate Marilyn Monroe’s “The Last Sitting.”

NSFW photos are after the jump.

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So I drive my wife to the airport on Sunday, she’s a high powered executive lady type, and after I drop her off I’m thinking “Wheeeee, I’m free.” Only I’m not truly free because I’ve lost the capacity to plan by myself. Every time I want to do something I look over to where she’d be sitting on our luxurious couch and because she’s not there I don’t do the thing. I totally know how Britney feels now y’all.

Anyhow, that was a total writer’s trick to point out that this is Spiteful Lars coming at ya large and somewhat in charge. The facts presented were the truth however, so now I feel obligated to tell you what became of my Sunday after I realized I’d never be free again. Ready for it?

1) I finished the Grisham book “The Appeal”
Allow me to make an appeal to John Grisham. Dude. You’ve GOT to to stop ending your books when you’re tired of writing. I realize you’re not trying to be Hemingway but this is getting ridiculous. You can’t end a book to save your life you poor bastard! Next time write 200 pages and then send me the manuscript. I’ll leave the audience feeling satisfied. You know I will.

2) I watched “In Bruges” with a pal.
This is actually a really solid, really funny film. It’s also the only time I’ve seen Colin Farrell perform at a high level (besides the sex tape).

Now I know what you’re saying. “Where’s my celeb gossip and/or witty commentary bitch?” First off, watch your language. I’m a full fledged human and deserve love. Second, there isn’t fuck-all going on today because it’s the holiday and I’m only writing/working because it’s either this or popping pills. You know the drill. So I’m going to look for some celeb stuff, and you can check back and there will be some new stuff… but for now the book bashing and movie recommending will have to suffice.

Hugs and kisses,

Lars

P.S. - Yes we can!

Paris Hilton celebrates her 27th birthday by demonstrating the maturity it’s been such a joy to watch her grow into.

And I know I’ve been MIA lately, guys. I know posts haven’t been as prompt or frequent as they usually are. No, I’m not ditching you for a boyfriend or a new job, I promise. Without going into too much detail, I’ve kind of been going through a little crisis in my personal life the past month or so, culminating in a fantastic Britney-style breakdown this weekend (no umbrellas, but there was some running up and down PCH sobbing, which was oddly cathartic, and I see now why Britney is fond of such antics), which is why I was totally gone. I seem to be doing much better right now.

I need a few more days to pick up the pieces, but expect everything to be back to normal by the end of this week or so.

I’m human, too, you guys, and I appreciate your understanding.