Man, it’s been awhile since I’ve ranted about my least favorite human rapist on the planet. But Joe Francis is putting Nic Cage’s tax issues to shame — he owes the IRS approximately $34 MILLION for back taxes from 2001, 2002 and 2003.

The Federal Tax Lien doc was filed today. The IRS claims Joe owes the money for 3 years of back taxes — 2001, 2002 and 2003. In 2001, the IRS says Joe didn’t pay $17,658,358. In 2002, the delinquency is $11,238,582.14, and in 2003, he owes $4,922,147.

It was less than 2 weeks ago that Joe got out of a sticky federal tax evasion case by copping a plea and avoiding prison.

Joe told TMZ, “I have no idea what it is.” He says he does not owe the money and, “This is total retaliation for me beating them in court.” Joe says the law the IRS is using hasn’t been used against anyone in 20 years.

Joe says yesterday, the feds seized more than $100,000,000 in cash accounts of his.

Joe says the IRS is forcing him to file for personal bankruptcy, which he will do tomorrow.

Let’s clarify that final number there: The IRS seized more than ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS in CASH ACCOUNTS from him. Yeah, cash accounts. This motherfucker has A HUNDRED MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS in cash right now, and meanwhile you can’t figure out how you’re gonna pay rent next month. Oh, I know: You should videotape underage girls touching each other’s naked breasts and then sell it. (Make sure you rape them first though!)

I’m sure personal bankruptcy won’t slow him down a bit — he’ll just siphon money out of his business accounts. This dude just needs to be in jail, like, forever. He obviously doesn’t believe the law applies to him in the slightest, and it’s just a matter of time before someone winds up seriously dead as a result.

50 Cent poses behind the scenes at a shoot for VitaminWater. That is all the information I have on this photo.

Don’t worry, you guys, they’re not in the hospital together. No single hospital has enough morphine for that. (Oh, wait, Nicole doesn’t have a drug problem anymore … yeeeeah.) But Amy’s still in a London hospital because her “cold medication” — God, I can’t even type this with a straight face — interacted poorly with some “other” medications she was on. Ummmm yes. When you take 32 Nyquil and 18 Vicodin, they interact poorly. That’s true, Amy. Glad we’ve cleared that up.

Nicole’s at Cedars-Sinai for pneumonia, which I kind of believe, only because she’s been missing a lot of press events lately, citing illness, and that’s unlike Nicole. I’d put the likelihood that she’s in the hospital for something more interesting than pneumonia at about 30%. Her rep says she’s “doing well.”

OK then. Get well, everybody, no matter why you’re sick. Pics are of Nicole at a March of Dimes event earlier this month.

I’ve had a weird fascination with Courtenay Semel ever since she was on that random TV show where they made spoiled rich kids drive cattle. I think it has something to do with the way her first name is spelled. I just don’t think I’d be able to talk to her without being all like, “Heeeeey, Court-e-naaaaaay.” Also it’s a neat coincidence that the last sound there is “neigh” and she kind of looks like a horse. That was mean. Pretend I didn’t say it.

Anyway. Court’s on the cover of lesbo-riffic mag Curve this month, and what would she talk about if not her (non-) relationship with Lindsay Lohan? Oh, right, and that rehab stint earlier this year:

“I always said you’ll never see me get a DUI, you’ll never see me falling drunk out of a club, you’ll never see me get arrested, you’ll never see that side of me and unfortunately, it did happen. I did take responsibility for my actions. … But, at the same time, I think, you know, everyone scrutinizes, Lindsay for everything she went through, but they should thank her, because it shows you exactly what not to do … I would like to say that Lindsay and I would make a really hot couple, but unfortunately we were best friends and the media kind of ruined that relationship. Let’s put it this way, it’s kind of like another one of … my little frenemies out there was protecting their own self and their own relationship and threw us under the bus. But, for me, it was like, I would go to an event and they would start to say, ‘So you and Lindsay aren’t friends anymore,’ and I’m like, ‘Oh, really? That’s news to me.’”

Ummmm, is that Courtenay Semel accusing Samantha Ronson of planting rumors in the press? That’s sure what it sounds like to me.

My Lord, I’m so glad I’m not famous. These people are terrible.

More pics of the twosome in happier days (late 2007-ish) are in the gallery.

Evan Chandler, the 65 year old father of the now 29 year old that accused Michael Jackson of molestation in the early 90’s is dead.  Chandler was a wealthy Beverly Hills dentist who reported Jackson to Santa Barbara authorities in 1994, claiming that his son had been molested by the singer during sleepovers.

Michael’s attorneys eventually settled with the Chandler family for $22M.  The son, Jordan, has never spoken about the case due to a non-disclosure agreement, but I wonder if he’s still bound by that contract now that both of the involved parties are dead.  In any case, Jordan became estranged from his father after Evan reportedly attacked him with a dumbbell back in 2006.

After the case was settled, Evan Chandler reportedly had many plastic surgeries to change his appearance in an effort to hide from unhappy Michael Jackson fans.

The former dentist appears to have died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound and did not leave a suicide note.  He did have prescription medicines in his home that indicated that he was suffering from a serious illness.

The first trailer is out for Salt starring Angelina Jolie.  This movie looks pretty entertaining if you’re into the CIA agent accused of being a spy type of plot.  It’s so tempting to say that Salt is a movie that’s peppered with action.  So.  Tempting.

I think the tentative release date for this flick is July 23, 2010 which makes you wonder:  How good can a movie be if the marketing blitz for a 2010 mid-summer release begins before Thanksgiving of the previous year?  Angie better hope that reptile jewelry line takes off!

Playboy has two covers out for its December issue.  Chelsea Handler who saw it for the first time on Leno and Joanna Krupa who thinks posing nude is the way for women to be able to compete with men in the salary game.  Jump in if you’d like to know a little bit more about Joanna.  Of course, if you buy December’s Playboy I suspect that you’ll know just about all there is to know about the model.

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