B showed off the goods when she took a dip in the ocean in Miami yesterday. Seriously, though, what’s up with her keeping her shorts on??? We want the WHOLE PICTURE, Beyonce! Why won’t you let us see your full bootyliciousness? It’s the least you can do to repay us for infecting society with that word.

It’s a funny thing, the news: It happens when you least expect it.

Us Weekly had signed a contract guaranteeing them exclusive photo rights to Kendra Wilkinson’s wedding on Saturday, which may have resulted in solid newsstand sales for them. But then Michael Jackson died, and all of a sudden Kendra’s (first) wedding becomes a non-issue. Us Weekly reportedly wanted to wiggle out of the full price in the contract, but a contract is a contract, and they’ll have to pay up. A rep for them denies the story, saying that the “wedding pictures were purchased after Michael died.”

Ya know, my first thoughts about Kendra’s wedding (because, yes, I think about these things), was that it kind of sucked for her to have her wedding’s media coverage eclipsed by the Jackson death. But then I realized — these things go to print at the start of the week. So what you’re seeing is a bunch of tabloids with Michael Jackson on the cover … and Kendra Wilkinson on the sidebar. (Like this.) This week’s tabloids are going to sell to a mass of people who would never normally buy a tabloid rag, because everyone will want to read (or want to own) the Michael Jackson death coverage. The result? Kendra will be visible to an audience that never would have known about her before. It’s actually fantastic for her. And that is my in-depth media analysis for the day.

Ed: Our fabu NYC sister team of Skipabeet and Sierra is back with another report on a hot new show they recommend. Enjoy!

The Oxygen Network’s new show proves to not only be heartwarming but hilarious.  Sierra and I attended the premier for the new show in NYC on Monday night and absolutely loved it!  It is as if The Biggest Loser and Dancing with the Stars had a hot steamy affair and gave birth to Dance Your Ass Off.  The best part about it is, Loser is too emotional for me and Stars is too cheesy, whereas this show takes the best from both and drops (like pounds) the qualities I so despise about its fraternal shows, but exploits all the good ones.

When I learned that each overweight participant would be accompanied by a (hot) professional dancer, I assumed that I’d be so distracted by the pros’ hot bodies to focus on the contestants, however that is NOT the case.  These 300lb (or more) contestants do head stands, the splits, and some many more moves I can’t even do in the bedroom.  IT’S PHENOMENAL. Dance Your Ass Off can be seen every Monday night on Oxygen at 9/10 central.

I cannot believe this!  At least twelve fanatical Michael Jackson worshippers have committed suicide since the King of Pop’s death.  Did this happen when Elvis or John Lennon died?  I am beyond troubled. 

Please — no one’s death should result in people ending their own lives!  Even Jesse Jackson agrees.

I, for one, have had it with these two. 

Eminem has played answering machine tapes of Mariah from when they briefly dated, told a radio station that he pissed on her, and referred to her in his song “Bagpipes from Baghdad.”

See Mariah above, filming the video for her new song “Obsessed.”  Is there any doubt that she’s spoofing Em?

I’m so sick of both of them.

Anna Kournikova, the most highly overrated tennis player that we only know of because she’s marginally attractive, got into a brawl this weekend in Vegas. 

At Lavo Nightclub, some drunk chick pushed Anna early in the night and then threw a drink on her later.  When Anna demanded the patron be thrown out, a cat fight ensued that left Kournikova with scratches around her neck.  Instead of resorting to punches, she should have just started doing some of those grunts that the female tennis players do — those things scare the hell out of me.

I think we all have a responsibility to diffuse potentially violent situations.  When some boozy floozy throws a drink on me, I just start sucking my clothes, quite honestly.  Why waste free drinks?

Anyway, Anna’s fine, I don’t care, but I do have a question:  Is she married to, divorced from, or dating Enrique Iglesias?  I’m supposed to know these things and I cannot seem to unravel this mystery!

It seems like it was just three months ago — it was three months ago — that Melissa Rycroft was dumped on national television, courtesy of the Bachelor reunion show.

That’s okay.  No one can remember the Bachelor’sname now anyway.  Rycroft, on the other hand, went on to fleeting C-list fame achieving a third-place finish as a contestant on Dancing With The Stars.  Equally bewildering, her dancing gig led to a summer reporting job on Good Morning America.

Now, I was never good at math.  My son does Algebra as a hobby, but I’m frequently flummoxed by halving or doubling recipes.  But even I knew that something didn’t make sense when Rycroft announced that she just became engaged to Tye Strickland, her boyfriend of two years.  All I can conclude is that she signed up for the show in search of love during an “off-again” phase with Strickland. 

Despite all the engagement confusion, good luck to Melissa and Ty!