Her so-called acting career may be largely a thing of the past, but at least her body is bangin’. Claire Danes and some ass-kicking thighs showed up to the NYC screening of her new film Me and Orson Welles last night, and I have to admit this is the best I’ve seen her look in years. To be frank, I liked her best with bright orange hair and a be-flanneled, eyeliner-free Jordan Catalano, but I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that we will never again get Jared Leto out of makeup.

Also there: Lydia Hearst, who needs sunshine and a cookie, stat. Really she looks like she just stumbled off the set of New Moon, with Dakota Fanning possibly being trafficked inside her skirt.

I haven’t had the opportunity to tell you guys that I saw New Moon last night and hated it. Chris Weitz was absolutely the wrong director — they never should have let Catherine Hardwicke go — and, despite my undying love for Taylor Lautner, I understand now why they wanted to replace him. Watching him play “angry werewolf” was excruciating. My date — who had never heard of Twilight before I asked him to take me — emailed me this morning implying that I need to put out in the immediate future in exchange for making him go to the “naked boy wolf movie.” It was one of those firmly worded “you owe me” emails. And he’s right.

Lastly, Zac Efron, who really ought to talk to his optometrist about getting new contacts that won’t irritate his eyes. Poor thing can’t stop squinting.

Is it just me or has anyone else noticed this? Like, we never, ever get a really good look at Lady Gaga’s face. There is always something covering it. We can stare into her inner thighs day after day like Michelangelo painted cherubs over her stray pubic hairs, but we can’t ever just see her face. I know I sound like her doddering grandmother right now, but I really wish that, just once, she could show up and try to be pretty for once.

Here’s Gaga reppin’ at some random event involving Best Buy that clearly necessitated sunglasses.

You guys, I think the Gosselin limelight may be fading. Kate Gosselin was awarded primary custody of her children today, and it wasn’t immediately, like, announced in Times Square. No one seems to care, really. In fact, the final episode of Jon & Kate Plus Eight aired tonight, and it’s being replaced with Cake Boss, which is, incidentally, one of the worst reality TV shows I have ever had the displeasure of witnessing. Does that crapfest get ratings? Like, it’s a bunch of New Jersey Italians bickering about cake frosting. I care a lot about cake when I can eat it, but under any other circumstances I’m rather indifferent. I would be really sad if my show got replaced by Cake Boss. The least TLC could do is replace it with King of the Crown, which I love.

I’m not really sure exactly what the terms of the custody agreement are, and if it means Jon can’t four-wheel around their Pennsylvania estate and smoke cigarettes whenever he’s taking a break from eating compulsively, but this whole custody agreement got hammered out in a day. The rest of the divorce isn’t expected to be finalized until January, which I think kind of means that Jon rolled over on the whole custody-of-his-children thing, but he’s prepared to stand and fight over, ya know, his car. That’s sweet. My, how the tables have turned.

Here’s the takeaway point: For those of you who have spent the past two years begging the world to stop caring about Jon and Kate, I think your day may be approaching.

It’s pretty bad when the babies of Hollywood have (much) more active social calendars that I, but that’s how these tots roll.

Jennifer Garner took little Seraphina to a friend’s birthday party on Sunday (and took Violet out for an ice cream date on Saturday), Katherine Heigl enjoyed her new daughter Nayleigh at a family get-together and Kimora Lee Simmons (whenever I say her name, I think of Cremora) and Djimon Hounsou took Lee’s daughters Aoki and Ming to the park with the son that Kimora and Djimon share, Kenzo.  Yesterday, Suri Cruise, with her human in tow, strolled the streets of NYC wearing a sleeveless embroidered dress.  She shopped, had some lunch and caught a ballet performance.

This weekend, I … showered.

As Molls told you, it was quite the weekend for New Moon.  Experts were predicting that it would take in close to $100M so when the snoozefest newest installment in the Twilight franchise pulled $140M it was quite a shock.  It’s the third largest weekend opening, following Dark Knight (1st) and Spider Man 3.  An impressive showing.  Did you see it?  How was it?  Most of what I’ve read online said that New Moon was really boring, but my Twihard friends all seem to have loved it.

I talked a lot of trash about Twilight, so I figured I should actually see the movie.  I did last week and when I was finished I spent the entire time I walked down my driveway as I brought my Netflix back to the mailbox, muttering “That’s it?  That’s what all this hysteria is about?”  I am so confused.  I am more flummoxed than ever about what is causing this hype.  It seems like Kristen Stewart only attended acting class on the day they read the chapter “How to be Insolent.”  There is no emoting with that girl.

Now that the Moon opening weekend is over with, the public can lather themselves into a frenzy over the next in the series.  Eclipse is scheduled to hit theaters June 30th, 2010, which gives us approximately seven months and seven days to obsess, fixate and ruminate on.  I saw a real shift to team Jacob after New Moon.  Could 2010 be Year of the Werewolf?  Whether it is or isn’t, we’ll be talking about it ad nauseam, I’m sure.

Wait until PETA gets ahold of this!  Kate Beckinsale spent hours — it takes time to look as good as she does — in the Byron Tracy salon in L.A. last week while her dog was outside, locked in the car.  The poor harnessed pooch didn’t have any water and all the windows were rolled up according to the photographers who snapped these pics.  Can a dog die this way?  I know that it’s not the best idea for toddlers.  And, does it seem like Kate really cares?  If I had highlights like those, I’m not sure I would either.  Priority:  Hair.  Secondary:  Dog.  (Before you start sending me “You and Michael Vick are Made for Each Other” hate mail, that’s sarcasm.)

This incident comes a little over a month after the actress was seen picking up the same dog by his leash.  Of course, her hair looked great then too!

“Does perez hilton..whatever his name really is..have no heart at all?Don’t ever attack my family again.Sad to know u hate so deeply.Sad 4 U”

Jessica Simpson’s Tweet to Perez Hilton in response to his blog that Bronx, Jess’ nephew, was celebrating his first birthday.  Perez’s ghost writer Perez wrote:  ”It’s been one year since Asslee pushed Bronx Mowgli through her vayjayjay and it’s all the family is talking about! … Poor lil’ thing doesn’t stand a chance!!!”

What is more ironic?  That Jessica Simpson cares what Perez Hilton dot com has to say about her nephew, or that she thinks Mario Lavanderia himself is actually banging posts out about Jess and her fam?  PH is phucking phfamous now!