I’m really shocked, because I thought Lindsay had been sober since going to Promises back in 2007 — that’s sarcasm, folks — but I guess I was wrong.  Some dude who writes for Mirror, tells the tale of a caged Lindsay, texting Samantha Ronson, drinking vodka and generally freaking out at a nightclub.

I’m used to celebrities getting wasted, making fools of themselves and larking around.

But what I witnessed at London’s Cuckoo nightclub this week was beyond anything I’ve ever seen before.

Step forward fallen movie star Lindsay Lohan who was on the table next to me at the Swallow Street venue.

I watched open-mouthed as Linds sat with her straggly hair all over her face looking strangely detached from the world and mumbled: “I feel so, like, caged. Totally caged.”

Unfortunately, the creepy behaviour continued as Lindsay and her posse visited the bathrooms.

My spy tells me: “She just wouldn’t stop saying she felt caged. She was just not all there and it really was like watching a broken girl in the middle of a complete breakdown.

“She spent much of the night furiously texting Sam Ronson – and wasn’t best pleased about the texts she was getting.

“Everyone with her was actually very concerned about her. She seemed like a girl on the brink of self- destruction.”

And there was even more cause for concern when Linds returned from the loo.

My jaw once again dropped as Lindsay – who had a vodka in hand throughout the night – squirmed around as if trying to hide in a ball on the floor.

It’s no secret that I’m no fan of Lindsay the celebrity.  But, just as a story about a human being who is so obviously lost, this story makes me so sad. 

Isn’t there a way for family members to commit her to a detox program before she ends up dead?  While everyone in her life is sitting around being concerned for her, and enabling her, she’s slipping away.  Daddy Lohan is in courthouses all the the time for his own legal snafus.  Can’t he grab some sort of court order for Linds while he’s there?  Lohans, get involved and save your daughter’s life!

I don’t know what’s more shocking:  the video of Bret Michaels getting leveled by a piece of stage equipment at the Tony Awards, or the fact that Bret Michaels and his Poison bandmates were invited to perform at the Tony Awards.  Both scenarios are pretty astounding.

Michaels was injured but didn’t break his nose as was originally reported.  Personally, I think it was God’s way of trying to get his attention.  When you get taken down by a metal curtain, that’s just His way of saying, “End these interminable seasons of Rock of Love!” 

One thought just keeps haunting me:  If Heather Graham had just flown to the awards to protect Bret, this never would have happened.

Heather Graham makes me feel so inferior.  I consider it a successful day when I get a shower, but The Hangover actress Heather Graham has loftier — literally — goals.  So, while I continue to work on mastering my daily scrub, Graham is working on levitation and learning to fly.  As she explained in a Daily Mail interview, she needs to learn flying so she can travel across cities and oceans and save people from bad fortune.

So far I’ve only succeeded in my dreams. I practice transcendental meditation and there is a phase where you’re meant to lift off the ground. It hasn’t happened yet. I’ll manage it one day. In fact, I’m aiming beyond levitation. I want to be able to fly like a superhero. I won’t be happy until I can fly across oceans and cities, saving people from being murdered.

Let me get this straight — Heather Graham won’t be happy until she accomplishes transatlantic flight without an aircraft?  I predict it’s going to be a long and unhappy life, Heather.

While perusing photo sites today, I stumbled upon a set labeled “Kristen Stewart is a Smoker!” that contained several exclamation points and the above photos with nifty little red circles indicating the irrefutable evidence that Kristen Stewart is in fact one of the most horrible human beings ever to walk the planet. Forget about her terrible acting or the fact that she’s so stoned out of her mind at award shows it’s a miracle she hasn’t swallowed her own tongue yet. The bitch smokes!
I’m going to go ahead and preempt the idiotic maelstrom of “terrible role model” comments and E! Entertainment News pieces that will probably follow the publication of these photos and suggest she learn to pop prescription pills and starve herself or drink excessively and hop behind the wheel of her expensive car like most other “it” girl celebrities under 30.

Get it together Kristen.

It can be hard being a cold-hearted bitch, so sometimes I like to write about things that make me feel good. Like when one of the biggest Powerball jackpots in U.S. history is won by someone who appears to have really needed it– a cowboy from one of the poorest areas of the country who has been struggling to help his family make ends meet.

23 year old Neal Wanless has been helping his ranching family pay the bills by reselling scrap metal. No stranger to hard times, the Wanless Family’s trailer had recently been repossessed and they owe a couple thousand dollars in property taxes. A few weeks ago, he traveled to the nearby town of Winner, South Dakota (how’s that for irony?) and bought $15 worth of Powerball tickets.

Wanless was the sole grand prize winner of the $232 Million jackpot and will receive an $88.5 Million lump sum after taxes. He says he plans to “repay many times over” the kindnesses he and his family have received from neighbors who helped them out in these tough economic times. Wanless also says he plans to buy some land and donate part of the winnings to charity.

When asked about other plans for the money, he said he hasn’t decided yet, but promises that he “will not squander it.”

This week Kate Gosselin and the sextuplets vacationed in Wilmington, North Carolina, swimming and playing on the beach under the watchfull eye of body guard and alleged side piece Steve Neild.

Meanwhile, Jon and the two older girls hung out 500 miles away, back home in Reading, PA. The trio rode ATVs, ate dinner, and went to see the Pixar flick Up. These separate vacations may be a good indication of things to come as the Gosselin family adjusts to family life in a household with separated parents.

TLC stirred up a little controversy surrounding the show this week when an affiliated production company posted a casting call on Craigslist:

“TLC is now looking for NY, NJ, and CT families who are expecting twins, triplets, or more! We would capture the birth of the babies and witness their amazing first breath, first cry, and all the emotions that go along with such an incredible occasion. TLC will be there as you leave the hospital and adjust to your first few days at home as a family.”

The post has since been taken down, but with the Gosselin marriage obviously drawing its final breaths, is TLC looking for a Jon and Kate replacement family? Should they be?

This will make a lot of people happy– a few editors on this site in particular: James T. Kirk and The Artist Formerly Known as Ol’ Dead Eye are history.

A source is quoted as saying “Chris Pine was forced to dump Audrina because his camp wants him to take the right strategic steps to become a big movie star. Dating a reality show star would tarnish his image.”

The couple had only been together for a few weeks and probably weren’t all that serious, but Pine’s people reportedly became concerned because the “media” was so interested in the pairing.

Don’t get me wrong. I agree that Pine could do much better and I’m glad those two have split like Lindsay Lohan’s Labia. I just think it’s a little strange, and, dare I say douchey to date or not date someone based on what your agent and PR people tell you.