It’s Friday and I’m sick of Hollywood.  Enjoy this clip of America’s Got Talent’s judge Sharon Osbourne appearing on the Opie and Anthony radio show, calling Britain’s Got Talent contestant Susan Boyle “a hairy arsehole.”  Of course, she made sure to cushion all her bitchy comments with proclamations of “God love her.”

S.O. is such a twat.

Oprah doesn’t like sharing her magazine cover.  It’s not one of her favorite things.  She’s only ever shared with Michelle Obama before this December’s issue.  After Ellen Degeneres’ aggressive campaigning, she appears with Big O on not one, but two covers.

I love Ellen, even if I don’t understand her love of all things O.  You know what else I don’t love?  Oprah’s constant yammering about living her authentic self.  Just how many whacks of Photoshop’s warp brush tool do you think O’s saddlebags were treated to?  Even in discussing the shoot, Oprah said “When Ellen arrived at the photo shoot for our cover, I didn’t have to ask her how she was doing: it showed on her face.  She radiated the kind of peace and satisfaction that comes only when you’re living at your highest potential.”  I wish I could get five minutes with Oprah to ask if she’s living at her highest potential or is she just edited to appear that way.

I’m just going to stop talking about the Lohan battle of the written word after today, because they have definitely entered Gosselin territory.  Michael Lohan released random, recorded phone call tapes to Radar Online and RO has deftly crafted a major “Exclusive Breaking News” type of story out of them.  Every.  Day.

If you’ve been smart enough to avoid all the updates, let me get you up to speed.  Michael wants Linds in rehab.  Linds doesn’t want to go.  Dina tried to get Linds to go.  Linds punched Dina in the face.  Michael thinks that cocaine God is punishing Linds, stripping her of her career, as retribution for all the lies she tells.  Lies that include Linds’ Twitter account of all the gory details of her parent’s marriage.  All of America doesn’t give a crapness about any of it and is actually craving a Gosselin brawl right about now.

In other words, the Lohans are fucking nuts.  Hollywood needs to capture this in a new reality show.  Like, they could lock all the Lohans in the Dr. Phil house for a long weekend — Gah!  Dr. Phil would love to get a piece of that action — and let them have at it (in front of cameras, of course) until a winner is declared.  And I think we all know who that winner would be:  Linds’ brother, Michael Lohan Jr. who is absolutely the sanest of that bunch.

“I love the smell of diapers; I even like when they’re wet and you smell them all warm liked a baked good. I love the smell of Balmex. Love it.”

Sarah Jessica Parker grossing me the fuck out in an Elle magazine interview in which she compares pee to brioche.

First of all, I’ve scrounged up a bunch of pics of Brit strolling around Australia with no bra on.  As always, you’re welcome.  If there was ever a question as to the importance of proper support, let these pictures be your forewarning.

Enough of that; here’s why I’m moving to Australia:  the Minister for Fair Trade of New South Wales wants to create some sort of disclaimer that informs patrons paying up to $1,300 a ticket to see Britney in concert that she’ll be, um, lip-synching.  You just know that B is all excited — “I’m gettin’ my own law y’all!”

“It is Britney’s ‘prerogative’ to lip-sync, and it is my job to make sure consumers know what they are paying for up front,” Judge said in a statement released by the government.

One idea is to require disclaimers on promotional materials and tickets indicating that portions of a show will be pre-recorded.

It’s no secret that many artists, including Spears, lip-sync at times during their elaborate stage shows. And this Australian initiative may not have much effect on interest in Spears tickets, given that many of the shows Down Under are already sold out.

“Personally I would rather see a live set from a local artist,” Judge said, “but I am sure Britney’s fans will be treated to a spectacular show.”

I’m a huge fan of Brit’s music and I’ll always be her cheerleader.  I think she’s made amazing strides to get her life back on track and once she starts wearing an underwire, I’ll be even more impressed with her accomplishments.  Putting that aside, she’s a singer.  I wouldn’t pay a thousand dollars for any concert ticket, but I wouldn’t pay twenty dollars for mime.

In Conan’s never-ending attempts to be funny, he did a bit last night that got huge laughs from the audience.  With musical backup, William Shatner did a poetry reading that was purportedly based on Levi Johnston’s Tweets.  Pearls of wisdom such as “Where can I get some weed?” and “What’s with all the taxi drivers that don’t speak English?  Is that a law?” read in Shatner’s dramatic fashion made for an entertaining skit.  Unfortunately, Conan and NBC didn’t do their homework — the Tweets are from a fake, non-verified Levi Johnston Twitter account.  And he’s pissed.

Johnston’s lawyer, Rex Butler is demanding a retraction from NBC, especially in regards to Conan’s disclaimer that the Tweets were “all real … we did not make this up.”  In all honestly, Levi should be angry.  After all, he wouldn’t want people to think that he’s stupid, now would he?

Good Morning America gets props for getting absolutely the most mileage out of a celebrity interview.  Ever.

Here’s part two of the Rihanna interview that aired this morning.  The singer shares more of the details of what actually happened, such as witnessing Chris Brown’s soulless, blacked out eyes as he beat her — on the night of the Grammys.  The entire, uninterrupted interview will air tonight on 20/20.