This story gets more intriguing by the minute.

On Tuesday night, an obviously distressed Howard K. Stern appeared on Larry King Live to announce that he and Anna Nicole Smith have been in a relationship for “a very long time,” and that he is the father of her new baby girl, Hannah.

I think on some level I kind of knew this already, but still, it’s crazy to watch the video. We forget that these are very real people. This has been a truly horrific month for HKS and Anna, and it’s written all over his face in this interview. I feel terrible for him.

Update: I just realized something. If your names were Howard and Anna, and you wanted to name your kid a combination of the two, Jamie-Lynn Spears-style, what would you name it? Probably Hannah.

UpdateUpdate: Apparently the kid’s name is now Danilynne, which has something to do with “Daniel” and the fact that Anna Nicole’s real name is Vicky Lynn.

UpdateUpdateUpdate: Larry Birkhead is such a fucked up cocksucker.

• File-sharing site Limewire is suing the RIAA for anti-trust violations, and they’re asking for a jury trial. So it’s pretty much the most awesome publicity stunt since that time Aaron Carter proposed to Kari Ann Peniche.

• Katie Holmes agrees to adopt another fake baby with Tom Cruise, if he’ll marry her and renew her contract.

• The kids at Best Week Ever have tasted Cocaine: The Drink. The verdict: all the fun of actual cocaine, with 110% of the mysterious itching.

• Eddie Murphy is soooo in love with Scary Spice. It’s so nice that neither of them has a career to get in the way of their relationship.

• Kari Ann Peniche(’s publicist) finally breaks her day-long silence about the abrupt and predictable end to her week-long engagement to Aaron Carter.

• Brandon Davis gets in his second fight this week. I think he and Jason Wahler have an agreement to alternate days.

• Would you like to see a (tragically, censored) video of Steve-O urinating on his own red carpet? You’re in luck!

• Paris Hilton is formally charged with that DUI she picked up earlier this month. The maximum sentence is six months in jail, so keep your fingers crossed.

• The new Killers album is available for streaming on The Leak.

• NBC has complete episodes of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and Heroes available on its website. Not to be outdone, ABC has most of its primetime lineup available online, too. See, folks? Desperate Housewives may not be funny anymore, but boy oh boy is it ever accessible!

Albert Einstein once said “Do not worry about your difficulties in math. I assure you that mine are still greater.”

This isn’t a great parallel, but the quote came to mind. Because however nauseatingly sick you are of every other post on this blog being about what Lindsay Lohan is doing today, I assure you that I am way, way fucking sicker of having to write about it. The jokes run thin real quick, and they weren’t that good to begin with. I’m tired of thinking up new ways to be mean to her. The joy is gone. I don’t hate her, I don’t want her to die or contract E. coli from spinach or continue her pathetic estrangement from her shoe-assaulty father; I’d genuinely like it if she checked into rehab and found a suitable treatment program for her problems with cocaine and alcohol, got into a stable relationship, tied all future Birkin bags to her wrist with rope, and got on with her acting career and life.

Until then, though, we’ve instituted the Lohan Tracker here at Evil Beet. You’ll find it on the upper-right side of this blog, and it’ll be updated regularly so that you, the concerned public, can be informed as to Miss Lohan’s whereabouts and goings-on, and I don’t have to write more than a few words about it daily.

• Lindsay Lohan was seen sucking face with Stavros Niarchos last night at Dragonfly. In case you’d forgotten about him already, Stavros is the Greek shipping heir who was at one point engaged to none other than Paris Hilton.
• Laguna Beach’s Jason Wahler was arrested — again — on Friday, for battery, after an altercation with a Department of Transportation officer and a tow truck driver. I have created an Evil Beet Hypothetical Transcript of said arrest:

JASON: (sniff) Hey, Mr. Tow Truck Driver, what are you (sniff) doing? (sniff)
TOW TRUCK DRIVER: I am towing your automobile because you did something illegal with it.
JASON: No you’re not, asshole. You have no right!
TTD: Actually, I do.
JASON: Like hell you do. I think we ought to (sniff) get an officer from the Department of Transportation involved in this little snafu. He is certain to see it from my point of view. (sniff sniff, shiver)
TTD: Okay, I’ll summon one.
[both smoke cigarettes]
DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION OFFICER: I was summoned?
JASON: Yeah, um, (sniff) this tow truck driver believes he has the right to tow my automobile.
DOTO: As a matter of fact, son, he does.
JASON: Don’t you (sniff) know who I am?
DOTO: …
JASON: (sniff)
TTD: …
JASON: (punches both men in the face)
And scene.

• John Mayer’s blog entry from yesterday is genius.

Update: I’m so silly. Hilton dated Niarchos, but she was never engaged to him. She was engaged to an entirely different Greek shipping heir, Paris Latsis. Seriously, if I can’t keep things like this straight, what right do I even have to live?

• Hey boys! Just when you thought masturbating to thoughts of Miss Cleo couldn’t get any better — turns out she’s a lezzie!
• Aaron Carter breaks off his week-long engagement to Kari Ann Peniche, because he’s now met the requisite media usage quota of “House of Carters” as detailed in his contract with E!, and because, you know, she used to fuck his brother.
• KFed’s not even going to include “PoPoZao” on his debut album, Playing with Fire; it’s being replaced by a duet between him and his wife, Britney Spears. So, by its late October release date, we should all be ready to welcome Britney Spears’ Playing with Fire, featuring Kevin Federline.
• Are Paris & Nicole combining their evil powers once again?
• How many people does it take to wax Scarlett Johansson’s vag? A whole “waxing crew,” apparently. [via Junkiness]
• Triumph the Insult Comic Dog bangs fellow puppet Ernie of Sesame Street. The folks at Childrens’ Workshop are all like “even our audience knows that stupid dog is played out.”
• Jackass Number Two makes number one at the box office. This, folks, is why the terrorists hate us.

Nicole Richie has been spotted all over town lately with her new man, longtime friend and Prince of Malibu Brody Jenner. But it was not so long ago that the super-skinny starlet was engaged to DJ AM. Is Nicole really over AM? Well, we can’t know for sure, since she didn’t wear a t-shirt making any formal statement to the press, but we can look at the evidence and draw our own conclusions.

AM has been spending a lot of time lately with 22-year-old model Lauren Hastings, who has not yet thought to make her mySpace profile private. The song playing on it currently? A DJ AM mix highlighting the fact — one which friends can attest I have been harping on for years — that the Chili Peppers’ “Dani California” is essentially an uncredited remake of Tom Petty’s “Last Dance with Mary Jane.” Because it is. So that’s cool.

But anyway. AM is placed third on her friends list. She lists her status as single, but she also lists her hometown as Tijuana and her occupation as “unicorn fluffer.” So make of it what you will.

Here’s the dirt:

Nicole was recently celebrating her 25th birthday at Teen Vogue’s Young Hollywood party (um…don’t you age out of “young Hollywood” by 21 or so?) when Lauren showed up. At that point, Nicole suddenly asked security to “clear her area,” and Lauren was not allowed in.

What’s sad to me is that this whole mess could have been prevented with a simple “You Can’t Have Him” baby tee.