Late-night links will be back eventually, I promise. But it’s gonna be weird like this until I have a functioning Internet connection at home. Don’t get me started.

Kim Stewart is super threatened now that her brother is becoming stepmom-covetingly famous. So what’s the fastest way for a semi-famous cute blonde to raise her profile? Hang out with Paris Hilton, of course. But what if you’ve already tried that, like, for years? You go with Plan B: Lindsay Lohan. [Jordan is Your Homeboy]

Mandy Moore fractured her ankle, but even that wasn’t enough to get her out of attending the Kids’ Choice Awards. No one escapes them, Mandy. [Warship]

It’s funny because Kelly Clarkson is an overweight lesbian. [Gabsmash]

Alanis Morissette brings us her very own take on “Lady Humps.” That’s special. [Junkiness]

Courtney Love’s U.S. Bikini Tour continues, giving a whole new meaning to Celebrity Skin. [The Blemish]

Wow, this truly is a very frightening picture. [Ninja Dude]

The MPAA continues to be extremely protective of Elisha Cuthbert. [Agent Bedhead]

Hey, you know what Eva Longoria needs? More make-up. [ICYDK]

All this time she’s spending with Diddy is rubbing off on Sienna Miller — or at least on her friends — as they roughed up some paparazzi as she left a London club this weekend. [A Socialite's Life]

MTV is casting for True Life: I’m Celibate. If you’ve spent this long respecting your body, isn’t it time you disrespect everything else about yourself by allowing MTV’s cameras to exploit your virginity? I think yes.

Do you voluntarily abstain from sex? Have you made the decision to be celibate for personal or religious reasons? Are you a virgin? Are you about to become celibate because being sexually active just isn’t working for you anymore? Or maybe you’re already celibate and struggling to stay that course? Or are about to ease your way back into sexually active life after a period of celibacy?

If so, MTV’s documentary series True Life wants to hear from you. Are you struggling to refrain from having sex, while it’s all that your friends and the media can talk about? Are you facing pressure from your boyfriend or girlfriend to give in? Do people give you a hard time about your decision, or do they discriminate against you for choosing not to have sex?

If you’d like to tell the world why you’re saying no to sex, we want to hear your story! If you appear to be between the ages of 18 and 28 and have a story for us about your decision to remain celibate, email us with the details of your story at celibate@mtvnmix.com.

Please be sure to include your name, phone number, location, and photo if possible.

Okay, okay, Details. You win. I’ll run it. This is pretty funny. Although I genuinely hate to be plugging The Bachelor. Don’t watch that show, people. Just don’t. It’s on season ten already. The first time was funny. The second time was sort of funny. The third time was awkward. Now it just reflects really poorly on our country. Enough is enough.

I know I’m supposed to be on the gossip beat around here (and there’s some mind-numbing crap going on with Larry Birkhead and his ex-attorney and HKS and those pesky DNA tests if you really must know) but omg you guys they are remaking Adventures in Babysitting!!! Adventures in Babysitting is the greatest movie of all time, and I am sooo excited about this.

Disney brought on a writer, a producer, and apparently they are throwing Raven Simone (depending on how old you are, you know her from The Cosby Show or Cheetah Girls) and Miley Cyrus (if you’re my age, you know her from absolutely nothing, but apparently she’s the reason Hannah Montana sold so many damn albums last year, and, coincidentally, is also living proof that there exists a more ridiculous name than “Hannah Montana”) at the project.

The IMDB page is for IMDBPro members only, but luckily I am gullible enough to have plunked down the cash for such membership long ago. The project’s scheduled for a 2008 release, and it looks like Raven is playing the Elisabeth Shue role. The article in Variety claims the movie will be called Further Adventures in Babysitting, but the IMDB page suggests they’re keeping the original title (I hope IMDB is right).

On the heels of the announcement that the Sex and the City cast all signed on to do the movie — hooray! — it’s looking to be a wonderful 2008 in movieland for people like me, who love all the movies the critics hate.

And he obviously wants to make damn sure the whole world knows it. The psychopath hottie to Scarlett Johansson’s hypersexed hottie in Match Point and star of the new buzztastic Showtime series The Tudors walked into The Plumm nightclub with girlfriend Reena Hammer this weekend. According to Page Six, they couple “retired to a couch and launched into a frenzied make-out session as a crowd of revelers became voyeurs.” According to an on-looker, “it was really a scene. She straddled him, and they were at it for some time.”

Eventually, feeling confident that he’d convinced the world of his heterosexuality, JRM and Reena (who you don’t know from anything because she’s not famous and not even really that cute), got up and left the club without so much as buying a drink. Which is totally cool with the club, since everyone’s writing about them today.

I missed The Tudors last night, since idonthaveatelevisionrightnowandyoudontevenwanttogetmestartedonwhy, but apparently it is very very good and worth watching, even if its star is going to be doing obnoxious stuff like this to get written up in Page Six.

LISTEN UP MOTHERFUCKERS … It has been an awful week and an even worse weekend, and I’m sorry nothing got posted this weekend because mostly I was trying not to shoot myself in the head (always a bad idea), but we are motherfucking back. Bring it.

Brit-Brit and some hair follicles hit up the Lakers game, because what the fuck else do you do when you’re not drinking? [A Socialite's Life]

I hate to start off your week with such horrible news, but the Beckham’s reality show might not get aired, because Tom and Katie refuse to be a part of their televised circus … no one, and I mean no one, is going to out-circus TomKat. [Cele|bitchy]

Beyonce’s got some new videos. [popbytes]

Kim Stewart got to be famous; it’s Sean’s turn now, dammit!!! Unfortunately, he’s not pretty or BFF with Paris Hilton, so he has to take his pants off on the beach. But still. We’re writing about him, aren’t we? [ICYDK]

That girl who was starving for Sanjaya started eating again. He can’t be stopped! He won’t be stopped! He’s gonna win this whole damn thing. Learn to love it. [SOW]

You should watch the Oceans 13 trailer. Over and over again. For two hours or so. Because that’s pretty much exactly what the whole movie will be. [Bree]

Yeah, okay. Paris got that boob job. Because what was really holding back her career was a lack of sexuality. [Celebslam]