Or because she flashes her cooter or dresses in skimpy clothes or goes to nightclubs. I’m sorry, America, but that’s just not how it works. The kids are fed, they are warm, they have clothes, they have adult supervision, and no one is beating them up, and I assure you that Los Angeles Children and Family Services are going to deal with all the families who don’t meet one or more of those criteria before they show up to take Britney’s kids away, and that’s gonna take them at least the next year or twenty.

I guess there are new nudy pics of Britney from that night she was traipsing around some NYC nightclub, bonding with the go-go dancers. Everyone’s bidding on them right now (bidding’s at around $150K). But there’s also a tape, caught by security cameras, of Brit-Brit and some of those dancers engaging in a little more hard-core partying (it’s not clear from the article whether we’re talking drugs or sex or both). “If that thing goes on the Internet, there’s going to be big trouble. It might be what they need to take [Spears'] kids away from her,” says a source. Ugh. Once again: might Kevin win at least partial custody of the kids in a custody battle because he’s their father and he can take care of them? Yeah, maybe. But no one is going to come a-knockin’ on Britney’s door like, “Hey, remember how you ate out that go-go dancer in New York a few months back? It’s on tape. Yeah, we can’t have you doing that and raising kids at the same time. Mm-kay?” Not gonna happen, people.

I reported yesterday that I thought both he and Diddy were punk-asses so I’m sure someone is going to give me flack because he was arrested today in Sweden for suspected narcotics use. Honestly, I wonder if they even had to search him. I would think his passport would say something like “Hey, this guy is on drugs.” I bet they have a special stamp for that.

Oh, in reading the article I’m sort of right! Check this out:

“You can see that a person indicates that he has used narcotics in looking at his eyes or his movements. (Police) suspected that he had taken drugs.”

He’s Snoop Dogg. Are you guys serious with this? Here is the best part, guess what those maniac Swedes are going to do with him?

Results are due in two to three weeks and the rapper could face a fine if the tests confirm drug use. “if he earns a lot, it can be a couple of thousand (Swedish crowns) ($280)”

Now that, my friends, is hilarious. If $280 was the fine in America you’d see people lighting up on the street and carrying a checkbook with them. Snoop has got to be like “Hey cousin, I’m Snoop, I’m on drugs, here is your money. Now bring me that bikini team should they still exist.”

The lesson here: Go Swedish drug laws and play on Snoopy. You’re still not gangsta though.

I make no secret of my adoration for Laguna Beach’s Kristin Cavallari. I think she’s just the coolest, prettiest, bestest girl around, and I sincerely hope one day to be just like her. (Hey, have you noticed that by now almost everyone else from that cast has moved past the Laguna Beach’s epithet? Even Jason Wahler is now, like, “Jason Wahler, from The Hills and jail,” but Kristin’s done nothing of value since. Bongo ads, maybe?)

Any-hoo, Kristin, age, what, 17?, has found a surefire way to make a relationship last: she got the initials of her boyfriend, Nick Zano, tattooed on her wrist. “He wants the other guys who flirt with Kristin to know she’s all his,” said a source who’s seen the tat. When Kristin was asked about it, she “got really giggly and started blushing.” Does Kristin do anything else? Kristin Cavallari is like a Furbie: she does giggly, she does angry, and she does sad, but there’s none of that subtle area in between. And once she’s up and talking, she does not stop.

I look forward to seeing what happens to that tattoo when Nick dumps Kristin for Nicole Richie.

I think I’m the only Mandy Moore fan on this site, though it’s hard to keep track of the shifting alliances around here. Anyway, according to those tireless Page 6 bastards she’s broken up with DJ AM.

A few thoughts on Mandy Moore. I think she’s cute. And in general I’ve liked her recent movies. No, not the one where she dies, I don’t have a learning disability, the one with Hugh Grant.

In interviews she seems fun too. So why the hell is she dating a DJ? Sure, I’m hopelessly out of touch, but in my world DJs are meant for weddings and weddings alone. You don’t date them. I guess I’m saying I’d still hit that. Mandy, be a bud!

That’s a grabby headline eh? And this is an evilbeetgossip exclusive because it was reported breathlessly to me by my bud who was on a flight with Mischa from LAX to NYC. Details are as follows:

*Mischa is still too skinny. I wish my pal would have offered her a ham sandwich; we’ve got to start this thing at a grassroots level.

*Mischa had two pups and a handler with her and she wore sunglasses throughout the trip (big scoop there). The pups were NOT teacup Chihuahua’s nor were the Pomeranians. It is reported that they looked like Poms but were not. I’ve helpfully included a photo that’s clearly the dog my friend saw and I’m sure some dog person can enlighten us. The dogs were not in a purse – they were on leashes. Scoopage!

*Finally, the coup de gras, as M-Bart waited for her luggage one of the pups peed next to the baggage carousel and Mischa used napkins from her very own purse to clean it. Eww. But good form I guess.

See? No one is that different. We all clean up pee at some point.

I feel obliged to at least touch base with you guys on this topic, although I’d rather keep coverage of Britney in rehab to a minimum, to give her some time to get back on her feet. But here’s the round-up at this point.

Word from insiders is that Britney is — gasp! — struggling in rehab! She doesn’t want to be there and she doesn’t think she belongs there! She doesn’t like all those pesky rehab rules and she is angry with her family for pressuring her to go to rehab.

So it turns out that Britney Spears is like basically everyone else who goes to rehab ever. Nobody ends up at Promises because they have done a really fantastic job of managing their lives and emotions, or because they are super-duper good at taking the advice of the people who love and care about them, or because there’s a smoother path to health for them. Everyone is a whiny, angry pain in the ass during their first couple weeks of rehab. No one’s happy about the rules. No one has so much fun detoxing. No one is really grateful to be there — not at first. I think they worry more about you if you’re pleasant in the first week. They assume you snuck in drugs.

Oh, and she has also reportedly been battling bulimia since she was sixteen. There’s a cute little bit in some British rag about Britney throwing up her pills: “For the first few days, she’d take her tablets,” says a source, “then go off and eat breakfast or lunch. She was throwing the whole lot up, so, naturally, her medications weren’t working. Now the medical experts know why, her progress should pick up a little speed.” This is so funny to me, because, see, Americans working at American rehab facilities don’t say things like “tablets” or “the whole lot” or even “medical experts.” In America we say “pills” and “all of them” and “doctors.” But if you’re a British magazine with British writers inventing a source and a quote, then I guess you might say “tablets,” etc. Sheesh. Give me a break.

Get better, Britney. We’re rooting for ya over here.

A new pic of American Idol hottie Ace Young, just for fun. ;) Yummy.