Just what you always wanted: a teeny tiny Coke bottle made of aluminum.

Yay.

Apparently the tag line they’re going with is “Taste That’s Real, Cool You Can Feel.”

And to launch their new product?

Coca-Cola brought in heavyweights like Ed Westwick, Robert Verdi and, uh, Nik from America’s Next Top Model?

If you’re looking to launch a competing line of soda, now seems like it would be a good time to do so.

Sources are reporting that Britney Spears will do a duet with Justin Timberlake, and that it’ll appear on Britney’s new album, due at the end of the year. (Really? That’s soon!)

Um, I wonder how Jessica Biel feels about Britney and Justin spending all that studio time together?

Because, really, how freakin’ phenomenal would it be if Brit and Justin got back together? I don’t think anything could make me happier. And then if they got married and started adopting kids from Africa? Oh, oh, oh! I can’t think about this anymore, I get too worked up.

Ahhhhhh ha ha ha ha!

Being a spoiled brat is so hard sometimes.

I reported earlier today that Tila Tequila’s gal-pal/famewhoring socialite Courtenay Semel spent some time in jail on Wednesday. Now we have the details on why.

A source says Semel, a former friend of Lindsay Lohan and the 26-year-old Tequila’s current girlfriend, was at Caesars Palace’s Pure Nightclub that evening and left her cell phone on the property. When she went back to retrieve it, the club was closed.

“She demanded that they find [the phone] and hit the security guard,” the source says.

Las Vegas Metro Police Officer Jay Rivera confirms that Courtenay “struck a hotel security guard in the back of the head.” She was cited for battery and released.

So her drunk ass left her cell phone at a club and then decided it was someone else’s fault, and that someone needed to be assaulted. On the back of the head. Talk about pent-up anger.

It’s like, I’ve definitely been in the situation where someone’s actions — particular the bitchy actions of those asshole bouncers at Vegas clubs who strut around like they own the whole world when you know they have penises the size of my thumb — make me so mad that I fantasize about smacking them real hard in the back of the head. But the difference is that I don’t do it. Because I was raised in a world where actions have consequences, so I learned that I couldn’t necessarily act on my every whim. Courtenay Semel obviously never learned that as a child, so she’s having to figure it out as an adult, which is a more painful and embarrassing time to learn such things.

Money can’t buy happiness, kids.

Is there a mug shot out there somewhere? Oh, Lord, I hope so.

Oh YAY!!!!

This is TOTALLY the best part of politics.

The BITCHY ADS!!!

Love it, love it, love it.

Here an Obama ad noting that John McCain is SO OLD and SO RICH that he doesn’t even remember how many houses he owns! (The answer is seven.)

This shit is totally better than a Paris v. Nicole fight, because ads like this are really expensive and funded by some of the most powerful people in our country.

How will McCain retaliate?

BRING IT ON!

Someone decided to spray-paint the word “SLUT” along the wall of the London home of husband-stealer Sienna Miller.

And WTF is that symbol next to it?

Be afraid, Sienna.

Dude, when Miley Cyrus turns 18, I’m throwing a party. Food and liquor is on me. I will fund it with the money I will make from the naked pictures of her that are sure to be all over the Internet within a month of her 18th birthday.

But until that happy day, Miley is selling tickets to her 16th birthday party — at $250 a pop!

The bash will take place at Disneyland in late November, and tickets go on sale August 30.

Doesn’t a ticket to Disneyland cost $250 anyway these days?

I mean, not door-to-door or anything, although nothing would make me happier.

Sanjaya’s going to appear in a commercial for Nationwide Insurance.

In the commercial, Sanjaya visits a wise man who tells him he needs a retirement plan — and a haircut. Ahhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha! THE WIT! Those wacky insurance ad guys! What will they dream up next? Oooh, I know! We could have Shaquille O’Neal in a commercial. And make some sort of joke about how he’s tall!

I have to hand it to Sanjaya, though — he’s managed to drag his fifteen minutes out about as long as anyone can while still clinging to a shred of dignity. I talked to a guy at the gym today who’s working on a show about Extreme Arm-Wresting. Apparently it’s like normal arm wrestling, but you can use your free hand to punch. Kicking is legal, too. When the sport initially began, they tethered the competitors’ arms together, but soon learned that resulted in too many injuries. Anyway, here the point. The star of the show? Danny Bonaduce.

Yeah.

I love how Shannen Doherty manages to phone in even the half-second clip promo clip she did for 90210v2.0. She’s not even trying!

This show is gonna suck.

Everybody’s having babies!

I really need to hurry up and have a baby. I’m worried that by the time I find a husband and settle down, having babies won’t be cool anymore.

Anyway, Gwen Stefani has finally decided to put an end to her pregnancy, which began, as I recall, during the previous Olympic Games, and is currently at Cedars-Sinai preparing to push out a human.

Congrats!

Hey, so you know that dude who’s been wandering around Times Square in his underwear, a cowboy hat and a guitar for the past bazillion years?

It finally paid off.

Robert Burck, aka The Naked Cowboy, has inked a reality TV deal.

Burck he will judge the talents of street performers such as himself in an American Idol-style competition.

“I want to see people like me, the real deal,” the Naked Cowboy said in an interview with the New York Post. “I’m looking for character more than anything. You could be the greatest musician in the world, but if you stand in jeans and a T-shirt next to me, no one will notice you.”

The show is set to air on Country Music Television.

You know what I want to see? I want a reality show about those mole people who live under the subways in NYC. I read a book about them when I first moved there, and then spent the rest of my time there staring out the windows of the subway cars hoping for a glimpse of the mole people. Are you listening, Hollywood? I WANT MOLE PEOPLE!

Here’s Matt Damon’s face, along with the voices of Michelle Obama, Cindy McCain and Mayor Bloomberg, among others, in a new TV campaign that’ll start running nationally next week.

Thoughts?

The International Olympic Committee (IOC) confirmed today that it has asked the International Gymnastics Federation to investigate the Chinese gymnastics underage fiasco, following new evidence that at least two gymnasts competed under the legal age in the Olympics.

A hacker by the handle of “stryde.hax” (every time I read that I think to myself “Does he use Stridex?”) tracked down some evidence of the real birthdates of He Kexin and Yang Yilin that shows that they are actually 14 years old. Basically, the Chinese government had any traces of their actual birthdates deleted from everywhere — even Google’s cache — but this hacker tracked it down in the document translation cache of Chinese search giant Baidu. Which isn’t really hacking so much as it is, ya know, good old-fashioned American ingenuity. You can check out the documents here and here, but they’re in Chinese so good luck with that. You can also check out stryde.hax’s blog on the issue here. (Thanks Emily for those links!)

Emmanuelle Moreau, IOC’s Media Relations Manager in Beijing, said in an email that, “the IOC has therefore asked the International Gymnastics Federation to endeavour to find out more. We understand they are doing so immediately.”

I know a lot of you feel like I — and maybe Americans in general — have been making too much of a fuss about this, but I disagree. This isn’t about getting a gold medal for America, at least not in my mind. If the Olympics are going to be worth anything at all, people have to play by the rules. This includes China. Hopefully there will be repercussions here.