Top picture taken in 1997.  Bottom picture taken tonight.  What a difference a decade (+1) makes.  Paris Hilton is beautiful underneath it all.

That’s right everyone.  There are now awards for paying common respect to one another.  The Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network, the people responsible for this, “recognize individual and corporate leaders who have helped propel GLSEN’s efforts to ensure safe schools for all of America’s students, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity/expression.”  I applaud the agenda and cannot understate its importance.  

Since there are now awards for everything, I want my own “You didn’t run over any old ladies this week” phallic looking award thingy.  I mean, I’m showing respect to the elderly.  I deserve it.

A huge congratulations are in order to Lisa Marie Presley and her husband Michael Lockwood.  Their publicist released a statement today announcing the birth of healthy twin baby girls.  No names were released but they weighed in at 5 pounds 2 ounces and 5 pounds 15 ounces.  That’s a lot of baby!

There is no happier moment in a woman’s life as the moment after she’s given birth.  Sure, it’s great to see your child and all…but pregnancy is hell and birth day signals the end of hell.  There will never be a “next time” for me but if there were, I’d require an epidural at conception.

“Nicole Kidman’s forehead looks like a fucking flatscreen TV!”

Sharon Osbourne sharing her thoughts on plastic surgery while appearing as a guest on Chelsea Lately.

Meow.  Truly?  I’m all for plastic surgery as long as it doesn’t completely morph you into a droid.  Nicole Kidman looks great.

Two talk show hosts have accused Magic Johnson of faking AIDS.  The exchange happened on-air Wednesday which prompted Magic to respond to the Associated Press.  He has called for the station to educate their listeners about HIV and AIDS but does not want the employees terminated.

Chris Baker and Langdon Perry of KLTK Minneapolis were discussing illnesses that can be controlled over a long period of time with medication.  The partial transcript goes like this:

Baker:  “Like Magic Johnson?”

Perry:  “Like Magic with his faked AIDS.  Magic faked AIDS.”

Baker:  “You think Magic faked AIDS for sympathy?”

Perry:  “I’m convinced that Magic faked AIDS.”

Baker:  “Me too.”

First of all, Magic was diagnosed in 1991 with HIV.  He has not been diagnosed with AIDS.  But most importantly, I can find humor in almost any situation.  People with catastrophic and/or terminal illnesses?  Just…not funny.

The Yoplait Save Lids to Save Lives campaign donates ten cents to Susan G. Komen for the Cure© for each pink foil Yoplait container lid that is mailed to them.  It’s a great cause and an easy way to contribute.  Who doesn’t eat yogurt anyway?  Well I don’t but I’m no poster child for normalcy.  And come to think of it, can you imagine if your job was to open all those incoming envelopes of lids?  Gross!  Because you know people lick those lids, put them in an envelope and mail ‘em out all in the name of cancer research.  And I cannot deal with unknown DNA.  It’s what killed my career in porn.  Sorry…so…last night was the 10th Anniversary celebration of this program and lots of stars turned out. 

I was a bit alarmed when I saw the pictures of Cynthia Nixon.  Was she always this thin?  She looks like she could stand to eat a Yoplait to help save her life.  I’m dramatizing but she is thin.  Also, I feel, as a public service announcement, I need to tell Sheryl Crow that there comes a time in every woman’s life when she must start wearing a bra.  For me, it was at twelve.  For you Sheryl, today is your day.

 Other celebs who arrived for this worthwhile cause include Kristin Davis, David Arquette, Laura Dern, Rita Wilson, Kelly Lynch, Rosanna Arquette and Kelly Kapowski Samantha Harris.  And please, a moment of silence for Judy Tenuta’s face as we used to know it.  I always thought she was so beautiful.

Prince, the artist formerly known as a symbol, performed last night at a launch party for his book 21 Nights.  I thought Prince was all reclusive and ruminating and “I shun this curse of fame” but apparently he felt it was time to share his life story with the world.

Someone once told me I look like Prince.  I remember being absolutely crushed.  Because, let’s face it, Prince=not attractive and a dude.  OK this happened in the seventh grade… but I still carry the pain.  Thank you for letting me share.

Other pictures include Dennis Rodman and Tom Green theater interpretation of the bailout, wedded reality hits Howard Stern and Dave Chapelle answers the question “How many job offers have you received since walking out on Comedy Central in 2005?”

In 2005, Charlize Theron entered into a contract with watchmaker giant Raymond Weil for 20 million dollars.  The requirement:  She was to wear one of their watches when appearing publicly from October 2005 through December 2006.  Any other jewelry worn during the contract time had to be approved by Raymond Weil.  Instead she appeared in print ads and at a high-profile event wearing a Dior watch and jewelry.  RW sued.  This week a judge ruled that the case will go to trial; a decision largely based on 10 pages of contract terms that were initialed by Charlize. 

I’m embarrassed to say what I’d do for 20 million dollars (think Carrot Top) but it extends a hell of a lot further than just wearing a fucking wristwatch.  Charlize had a seriously tit gig going…how she risked 20 million dollars just leaves me…flummoxed.

Also, just learned that using “tit” as an adjective is apparently specific to New England & Upstate New York?  Weird.  So anyway, tit=small.

Here’s the racy version they wouldn’t show on 20/20.

What’s the verdict?

If it reminds you a lot of “Toxic,” that’s probably because it’s by the same director.

I guess the guy here is kind of hot, but he’s no Matt Felker.

New York State’s Rensselaer County sent out hundred of absentee ballots with “Barack Osama” on the top of the Presidential ticket.

They claim it was a typo that made it past three rounds of proof-readers.

Can Tina Fey play Sarah Palin on this show too? Please?

So I guess last night’s episode of ANTM involved an awards-show themed photo shoot (inspired by the Fiercee Awards!), and one of the girls — who bears an uncanny resemblance to Kim — was given the task of being the “Interviewer with an Attitude.” It was kind of obviously a jab at Kim.

This morning, Kim’s fighting back on MTV’s blog with an insincere letter to Tyra.

Not only is [the Fiercees] one of the nation’s most anticipated awards shows, but it’s also one of the more star-studded carpets that 221 West 26th Street has ever seen. Wait. What? Did someone say Carol Alt?

The Fiercee Awards bring young girls with the same dream together — and applauds them for such noble endeavors as “Ugliest Cry,” “Worst Wipeout” and “Craziest Phone Call.” Now, if winning one of those awards doesn’t inspire confidence in our young models, what will?

The whole reason I’m writing this post, though, is that Kim tops it off with a positively BRILLIANT impression of TyTy that I just had to share with you all.

Tragically, MTV won’t let me embed it, but you can watch it here.