You know those awkward days after a break-up, where you still have to see the guy every now and then to work out the details? Who’s keeping the dog? Where are my bikinis? You owe me $30 for that time I paid for the cab. Won’t you please reconsider? Please?

In the new media, EdTV life of Lindsay Lohan, these moments are captured on tape and broadcast to an international audience via the web.

Play along, won’t you?

TMZ has tape of Lindsay showing up at Harry’s West Hollywood office yesterday, a day after she got dumped by Morton at the Chateau Marmont.

We’d like to take a moment to thank our sponsors. This particular summer in Lindsay Lohan’s life has been made possible by the following:

• Pink Taco restaurants
• Rehab energy drink
• Chateau Marmont
• Hyde Lounge
• The island of Maui
• BlackBerry by RIM
• Cocaine

Today has been a real downer of a news day, and here at Evil Beet, we’re gonna go to our happy place. Our happy place, of course, is wherever someone is making a total ass of Paris Hilton.

Right now, that place is Sir Richard Branson’s Oxfordshire estate in the UK, where he threw a fantastically expensive 21st birthday party for his son Sam. The theme was “Mad Hatter.” Don’t try too hard to understand why “Mad Hatter” is in any way an appropriate theme for a 21st birthday, just keep telling yourself they’re British.

The Bransons invited Paris Hilton, who wanted to come dressed as Alice in Wonderland, the pill-popping star of any Mad Hatter-themed party. When Branson found out, he secretly saw to it that all 60 waitresses at the party were also dressed as Alice, and when Paris arrived, he pretended to mistake her for a member of the wait staff and asked her for a drink.

Thank you, Paris, for providing a small bright spot in an otherwise gloomy day.

Finally. Okay, brutal honesty from me: these two drive me insane. She is so young and beautiful and talented and famous, and he is so old and horse-faced and bearded and irrelevant, and I absolutely hated the possibility that true love could have triumphed over all of that.

Phew.

Kate Hudson’s rep confirmed today that the Almost Famous star will be splitting from her not-even-in-the-same-room-as-famous-anymore hubby of six years, former guitarist singer for some band that the kids at your high school who hung out on the grassy knoll and drew anarchy symbols on their Skechers may have heard of, Chris Robinson. Tossed amid the wreckage will undoubtedly be their 2-year-old son, Ryder.

Kate, in exchange for your decision to spare me a lifetime of nauseating interview quotes about the pureness and unquestionable staying power of your love for the man you married at 21, I will end this entry without making any play at all on How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days; this puts me on a road far, far above everyone else who has written about your glee-inducing marital cataclysm in the past two hours. You’re welcome.

You could be this girl.

To the utter surprise of absolutely no one, super-skinny mega-tattooed rockstar Travis Barker filed for divorce this morning from his wife of two years, the ever- heavier and less-employed former Miss USA/Playboy eagle-spreader Shanna Moakler (I know, I know, she just had a kid, leave her alone, but this isn’t fucking therapy, it’s a gossip blog, and the girl has been large lately, and you noticed, too).

Memorandum

To: Celebrity couples
From: The Evil Beet
Re: Tips for a successful marriage

Hey! Celebrity couples! A few pointers from your friend the EB:

1) Not everything has to be so extreme. When the theme of your wedding is Nightmare Before Christmas and then you go and name your daughter Alabama, you become irreconcilable even as caricatures. Where in there is a marriage supposed to fit?

2) Pass on the MTV series.

3) No, really, pass on the MTV series.

4) Other misguided labels for progeny: Sailor, Apple, Suri.

5) No, you can’t take the VH1 series either. If they have headquarters in Santa Monica, you probably shouldn’t let them film in your bedroom. (This is really a good rule of thumb for anyone trying to make it in Los Angeles.)

All my best,
EB

Update: In sorta related news, Kristy Swanson admits she’s pregnant, which is really, really good, because last time I saw a picture of her I was like “holy sweet Jesus, when did Buffy get so fat??” Seriously, I have no idea what this Skating with Celebrities business is all about; Kristy Swanson will always be the one and only Buffy in my mind.

I know it’s mean and misogynistic to pick on female celebs’ body types, but I saw this picture on The Skinny Website (don’t even get me started), and I really felt a lot better about my body. So don’t think of this as my cattiness, think of it as your self-confidence boost for the day. I am just trying to help.

You know, people say she tries to stay out of the spotlight — she’s hawking a fashion line and getting into the hotel biz and not fucking every C-list scenester on the Sunset Strip (just the one) — but it’s not like this girl actually goes out of her way to avoid being in the public eye. I crossed paths with all 5-foot-absolutely-nothing of her at a party last year, and she posed for the cameras for a good solid fifteen minutes before grabbing her gift bag and heading back out the door. She could have afforded the swag on her own; she came to have her picture taken. She’s not trying that hard, people.