I wasn’t aware that the Jamiroquai look was back, but what the hell do I know? Last night at LAX, Victoria Beckham strolled out wearing a hat that looks kind of familiar. I think maybe the last time I saw someone wearing a hat like that I was sitting on the living room floor doing my 8th grade math homework. Yes, yes it was. I was watching this music video. Posh, I’d like to thank you and your stupid hat for getting this song stuck in my head for the next 24 hours.

Half a dead animal (wearing a suit made of people skin) arrived at London’s Heathrow airport today with half a dead animal hanging out of its handbag.

Victoria Beckham is known for having one of the skinniest bods in all the land, so why would she be hitting the gym every day of the week? Apparently she works out that hard so that she can ensure that no one needs to airbrush her. She told Harpar’s Bazaar “I wanted to look at those pictures in 20 years’ time and say ‘Wow, look — after three kids — I didn’t look bad.’”

While I suppose that’s a fair goal (wanting to be as fit as possible is not a crime, in or out of the spotlight), but I can’t imagine that Victoria has any problem areas that need to be kept in check. Not only is she fit looking, but she’s very very skinny looking, which are two different things. I can’t imagine that she even has any fat or excess skin to hang, let alone get out of control.

All of this points to a greater image problem that Beckham might have. Perhaps a little body dysmorphia? A friend close to the Beckham’s told US Weekly “She’s not the most confident of girls, believe it or not,” and also says that she’s had three surgeries on her breasts– two augmentations, and then this year, a reduction.

Posh is getting older and while body dysmorphia isn’t strictly for teens and women in their 20s in any way, it’s a shame that this woman who’s gorgeous and married to one of the most handsome men in the world has to fight demons like this. I’m pretty sure most people would take her even if she gained 100 pounds.

Victoria Beckham attended Fashion Night Out at Bergdof Goodman in New York City last night wearing this delightful little number that looks a bit like a beautiful, pastel, feline-family animal caught in a trap.  Obvs, I want to hear what you think about the dress, but also — just because you can wear one square foot of fabric, should you?  

Oh, and this probably doesn’t even need to be pointed out, but even Posh is feeling the pinch in this challenging economy.  She has clearly downsized her, uh, assets.

Food, that is.

Victoria “Bag of Antlers” Beckham even refuses the meals offered to her when she flies first class.

Victoria’s nutritionist Monica Grenfell said: “Victoria’s always been a teeny little thing. She seems into her diet in a big way. Whenever we chat, she always asks me what she should and shouldn’t be eating. She’s very Audrey Hepburn looking, slim and neat. She’s strict with herself.

“When she goes on business lunches she’ll choose white fish and she’ll often pick at things rather than have big sit down meals.

“When we talked about the 11-hour flight to Los Angeles, Victoria told me she’s not that keen on eating on the plane. She prefers to catch up on her sleep and reenergise.”

Anyone who’s ever been trapped on an airplane for that long knows there’s nothing to do but eat, pee, and watch horrible movies. It’s fun to attempt to sleep– it kills more time– but it’s ultimately futile. Regardless, not eating for 11 hours when perfectly potable food is offered to you is not “being strict with yourself,” it’s being sick.

Victoria Beckham was spotted today during a photo shoot today in London.  Per usual, she completely ignored trays of food and instead opted for some no-calorie, fat-free lipstick.

Maybe it’s tough to look super casual on a piece of playground equipment when you’re wearing Louboutins but I haven’t seen anyone so stiff since Bill Clinton was in the Oval Office.  You do realize she is incapable of experiencing the emotion of joy because she hasn’t had cheese in decades, right?

She was one slightly more over-tweezed eyebrow and some black lip liner away from working at Dress Barn:

Raw Spice is (unfortunately) available on Youtube in its entirety. A few stray clicks ended with me watching it yesterday for over an hour. I was absolutely stunned by how different Victoria Beckham used to look. The snapshot above is one thing, but you really need to look at the video to get the full picture. “Posh” makes her first appearance at about 4 minutes in.

Amongst other utterly useless pieces of information, the video taught me that the fifth member was originally a girl named Michelle who was thought of as the “smart one.” If they hadn’t replaced her with Baby Spice, there might have been a “Smarty Spice” or a “Bookish Spice.”

I’ve heard rumblings that Busty Spice had her implants replaced to a more frame-appropriate size 34B, and now that Daily Mail is reporting it, it must be true.

This morning, I’ve spent more time than any heterosexual woman ever should inspecting countless pictures of Victoria Beckham’s rack.  The conclusion of my investigation?  I don’t know.  They look pretty big both before the month of May and after.  The only observation that leads me to believe that there could be truth to DM’s story is that, in more recent pictures she’s hiding behind bags and children and trench coats.  Also, I also noticed that for the past couple of weeks, Beckham has been wearing the same conservative black crew neck top everywhere she goes.  I told you — Serious.  Investigative.  Skills.

The pictures above are Posh in June and Posh last November.  Gallery includes a massive collection of VB’s massive set.  Let the comparing begin!

Posh Spice Victoria Beckham on the streets of London, embracing the shredded legging trend.

Just in case you weren’t sure exactly how many things were imperfect about your own body, Victoria Beckham is happy to get mostly naked all over your magazines and billboards so that you have plenty of opportunities to count every way your body is different from hers.

I’m telling you right now that I love the bag and I need to know who makes it and how much it is.  Does anyone know?  I’ve been up and writing since four and I’m too lazy tired to Google.  But I want it and have to figure out how many kids gallons of blood I have to sell to be able to afford it.

Elton John’s yearly party is super exclusive and tough to get an invite to.  Having said that, I’m having a few “What the fuck,” moments.

What the fuck?  Simon Cowell and Terri Seymour are back together?

What the fuck?  What is that French’s Golden Mustard get-up Dita Von Teese wearing?

What the fuck?  Rachel Griffiths in head-to-toe grey flannel?  Is she fat or just pregnant?  Oh, she’s pregnant.  Still…that’s not right.

Bai Ling?  Just, what the fuck?

Ugh, I had more to say, but I looked at too many pictures of Posh and now I must sleep…can’t…keep…eyes…open.