Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo celebrate their joint birthdays by being boring and adorable at club LAX in Vegas.

They’re sooooo boring.

But soooo cute.

Nick Lachey knows exactly what’s happening later tonight.

Honestly, Vanessa, if you don’t want us to write these things about you, don’t pose for photos with your face that close to his penis.

At a pool party in San Juan.

They take home leftovers!

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo exit a Beverly Hills eatery on Tuesday night.

I wonder if they’ll eat it naked in a jacuzzi. With knives.

Nah, they’ve probably learned their lesson.

Photo credit: Splash News

So remember back when we had those pics of Vanessa and Nick in a hot tub that I had to pull because they threatened to sue me?

Even though OK magazine said they paid $400,000 for the shots to keep them private, some Spanish magazine called Toxic got the uncensored versions of the pics and ran them. They’re not the shots of the couple doing the nasty, but they’re some very naked pics of Vanessa, who doesn’t shave down there, if you know what I mean.

You can view them here and here.

Jessica Simpson is having a wonderful day today.

I bet that’s the face she makes in bed when she’s spanking Nick.

Vanessa showed up at Kohl’s Department Store in Jersey City to sign autographs and pimp her cosmetics line, Flirt, again.

The doggy-style couple put on a brave face at the grand opening of Atelier in NYC. We know what your O face looks like, Nick …

I’ve attached here, for your perusal, the three-page cease and desist I got from Nick and Vanessa’s legal eagles this evening. They are very unhappy that I posted these pictures, as I, too, would probably be unhappy if someone took pictures of me making an “O” face.

Here’s my favorite part: there’s a line in there that says that the “Illegal Photos are copyright protected, to which my clients, by virtue of written assignment and transfer, have obtained the exclusive copyright and all right and title interest thereto.” Now, correct me if I’m wrong, my law-inclined readers, but what that says to me is that Nick and Vanessa actually bought the rights to the photos of them having sex in a hot tub. My God, how I wish I’d been present for those negotiations!

Anyway, sorry, guys, but the photos are coming down. As much as I’d love to star in a court battle with Nick and Vanessa, I’m not going to pull a Perez. Plus, as the lawyers pointed out, I “act at my own peril.” That’s not news to me, guys. I pretty much realize that upon waking up each day. But I feel awful about this; I know you guys count on me to deliver your celeb porn, and I totally failed. So, to make it up to you, I created my very own re-enactment of that fateful day, in Photoshop, to share with you. Enjoy!