An excerpt from Rex Reed’s review in The Observer:

Over-produced, over-publicized, over-designed, over-computerized and just plain over the moon, it’s so preposterously overwrought with so many bewildering plots juggling simultaneously for over-emphasis, there’s no entry point for criticism. You just stare at it, as you might a great big exploding pile of cow manure …

The sets are cheesy. The actors are unconscious. The writing is barely legible. The digital effects are overwhelming, without a shred of freshness or originality. None of it makes sense. In summation, Spider-Man 3 consists of one swollen contrivance after another until they all fester and erupt in an incomprehensible blast of noise and gibberish.

Seventeen minutes late and counting.

Jail jail jail jail jail!!!

JAIL!!!!

Update: She has arrived. Let the games begin.

I think the headline says it all folks. And don’t give me no jibba-jabba about Australia either.

Because I’m just fuckin’ on top of it today.

I’m sure David Beckham was super excited that his birthday party was basically a Spice Girls reunion. [Cele|bitchy]

Look, Isaiah, it’s over. Just stop using homophobic slurs. No need to film a whole PSA about it. [The Bosh]

Who else is totally psyched for the J.Lo/Marc Anthony juggernaut that is El Cantante? [Junkiness]

It looks like Jessica Alba may be getting very, very naked for Sin City 2. [Agent Bedhead]

Please, David Hasselhoff, remind us again how your ex-wife has a substance abuse problem. I mean, after you sober up enough to eat a hamburger without assistance. [The Blemish]

Mr. Hail conducts a thorough analysis of some possible explanations for the white powder on Kate Moss’s pants as she leaves a London club. [Derek Hail]

The Smashing Pumpkins are touring again. Break out the Urban Decay nail polish. [ICYDK]

Brad and Angelina are still disgustingly in love. [Daily Stab]

Busta Rhymes gets pulled over due to having excessively tinted skin windows, and winds up with a DUI. [Yeeeah!]

Now that Lindsay and Britney don’t go to AA meetings, we’re forced to turn our attention to Mike Tyson’s rehabbing adventures. [Bossip]

A billion more Coachella photos, because some of you care. [Buzznet]

In the oh-so-capable hands of Sarah Silverman, even beastiality is funny. [popbytes]

Celeb bikini watch brings us Vanessa Anne Hudgens today. We’ve got a whole summer of this ahead of us, kids! [Grumpiest]

And hooray for a Sienna Miller nip slip! [Drunken Stepfather]

See, it occurs to Britney Spears to cover her nipples with flowers, but cover her vagina with underwear? Why would she do that? [The Bosh]

Reese and Jake are still going strong. [Cele|bitchy]

Carmen Electra and what must have been a goddamn stable of airbrushers team up for her pictorial in FHM Russia. Honestly, this isn’t even a pictorial. Somebody painted this. The original, oil on canvas, is hanging in a museum in St. Petersberg. Carmen Electra hasn’t looked like this in 10 years and you know it, FHM. [CityRag]

BREAKING: Paris Hilton spends a truly unreasonable amount of time looking at herself in the mirror. [Gossip or Truth]

More pics of Britney’s San Diego HoB show. [Allie is Wired]

Hayden Panettiere’s 10-year-old brother is about two years away from the disturbing realization that he totally wants to bang his sister. [Ninja Dude]

Rosie won’t be fighting with Elizabeth Hasselbeck anymore, lest such blatant liberalism somehow interfere with her co-host’s pregnancy. I don’t know. Whatever. [ASL]

You know, guys, it’s really hard for Keira Knightley to eat when you keep calling her anorexic. All the stress just takes her appetite right away. But not, like, in an anorexic way. It’s just that refusing to eat is her response to high-stress situations. Sheesh. [MollyGood]

If you’re like me (and I hope, for your sake, you’re not), and your life is basically a whole lot of nothingness puntuated by the regular perusal of what’s new on WireImage, you would be aware that Kirsten Dunst has been a regular Magellan this week, traversing the globe in search of shinier dresses and stronger cocaine, as Spiderman 3 premiered everywhere they can subtitle it. It opened across Asia, Europe and Australia yesterday and today, and preliminary box office reports are staggering. The film broke records in Hong Kong, Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore, the Philippines and Taiwan, and beat out the Spidey 2 openings in Korea and Japan.

Look for it to kick some Aquaman ass here in the U.S. On Friday, it will open domestically in 4,163 theaters, the largest opening in the history of the world, and that’s including Paris Hilton’s vagina.

Get ready for the summer movie season, kids. Disturbia what?

Brit kicked things off with a 16-minute show at the San Diego House of Blues last night. Check out video of her performing “Toxic.”

Lindsay Lohan is just so damn sober she’s taken her shirt off and is dancing on tables with Paris Hilton at 4:30 in the morning to celebrate! Yay sobriety! [The Bosh]

Debra Messing fought for Grace to have tiny titties. [A Socialite's Life]

A very sober Bruce Willis drops the f-bomb on live TV. [Ninja Dude]

Hooray for summer! The celeb bikini pics are back in full swing. Up now: Taryn Manning gets wet. [Drunken Stepfather]

What are your top five break-up songs? [Pajiba]

Naomi Campbell’s all like, “Yeah, so it turns out I’m an alcoholic.” [The Blemish]

Kate Moss stands in a store window to promote her new clothing line. [Agent Bedhead]

Turns out Selma Blair is sober, too .. who knew? [Cele|bitchy]

Hayden Panettiere and Laguna Beach’s Stephen Colletti are still going strong, much to my chagrin. [ICYDK]

R. Kelly wins the award for first musician to capitalize on the Virginia Tech tragedy. [Celebrity Smack]

Keira Knightley wishes she were ridiculously fat. Memo to Keira: sarcasm doesn’t translate so well in print. Trust me. [Warship]

TRUMP STEAKS. [INO]