It’s not even a terrible rap song, but you’d think after spending, like, three months having her entire bisexual, death-threatening, watching-Natalie-fuck-an-NFL-player life filmed, she’d look a little less like a giant pussy on camera. And it’s weird how she’s trying to pantomime all the words, like the dance to “Like a Virgin” my friends and I choreographed in sixth grade. Or, you know, this.
Still, I love you, Flo. Just not as much as I love Natalie. Who’s the real psychopath in the house. (Well, either psychopath or raging coke addict. I can’t always say. I leave the BGC recapping to the capable hands of Saranden and Sierra, even though some weeks I really, really, really wish I could do it.)
Instead of having half-cantaloupes stacked on her sternum, Jersey Shore’s J-Woww’s going for half-beach balls … So in for summer 2010 at the Seaside Heights beach house. [Celebslam]
Beyonce just wakes up, still looks better than you at your best. Like, forever. Fuck. [popbytes]
24 could be adapted for the silver screen. I could subsequently wet myself. [Pajiba]
Levi Johnston still fame-sucking, celebrating son’s birthday a month late for more press. [Celebitchy]
God damn, that is one ugly thumb: Megan Fox uses hand stunt-double in latest Superbowl commercial ’cause she doesn’t want you to know that she has wonky club thumbs. [Amy Grindhouse]
AskMen.com’s sexiest woman of the year, Emmanuelle Chriqui, has more nip-slips than Britney, Paris, Lindsay and Bai Ling combined. [cityrag]
Heidi Montag is “fragile”, unstable and completely unsurprising. [Pop on the Pop]
Meet Snooki’s look-alike boyfriend. He’s a tool, too. [Zelda Lily]
If you’re looking for something uplifting or inspiring, you’d best go read something else: you’ll find naught but bitterness here.
Bitterness because the fact that Jennifer Aniston is turning 41 makes me feel really, really old.
Bitterness because, at 41, she’s more attractive than my saggy 28 year old ass will ever be.
Bitterness because while I’m stuck here huddling under a blanket in the grips of Snowtorious B.I.G. 2010 with nothing but my flaky, white, winter-ravaged skin to keep me company, her tan ass is prancing around in a bikini in fucking Cabo with Gerard Butler, Courtney Cox, and Sheryl Crow.
Can you taste that?
It’s the acrid taint of deep, bitter jealousy. Crack me a beer and pass the buffalo chicken dip– I’ve only got 14 hours (of Superbowl pregame shows) to get this taste out of my mouth.
One upon a time in Shanghai, there was a beautiful but superficial and incredibly stupid young woman who dated a guy who was kind of a jerk. This jerk had an obsession with actress and all-around hottie Jessica Alba. He plastered the wall of his home with pictures of her and often hinted to the beautiful (but superficial and stupid) young woman that he wished she looked more like Jessica Alba.
Incredibly, this match made in heaven didn’t last (gasp!)
One day, the jerk decided that he would be satisfied with nothing less than Jessica Alba herself, so he broke up with the beautiful (but superficial and stupid) young woman so he could devote more time to his hobby of finding ways around the Chinese government’s firewall to do Google image searches for “Jessica, Alba, Nip slip.” At least, that’s what the young woman says is the reason for the breakup.
Now, in a bid to win back the heart of her prince charming, this beautiful (but super…ahh, you know the rest) young woman is going to undergo massive plastic surgery in order to look more like Jessica Alba. And the Alba is not amused.
“I think you should never have to change yourself like that,” actress Alba said. “If somebody loves you, they’ll love you no matter what.”
And if they don’t love you, they won’t love you, no matter which gorgeous celebrity you pathetically and desperately try to look like.
Good luck with the surgery beautiful but superficial and incredibly stupid young woman. Enjoy being a beautiful but superficial and incredibly stupid young woman for a few more months, before you undergo the surgery and become superficial and incredibly stupid young woman with a weird amalgamated face that looks like someone melted Jessica Alba and stuck her skin on a mutilated cadaver. Because that’s how these things turn out.
And IF it works, and your ex-boyfriend– by virtue of some psychotic lapse– takes you back, he is still going to dump your ass as soon as the novelty wears off. Because that too is how these things turn out.
Pete Wentz has a “falling out” with his band … and ends up unemployed. [Celebslam]
Sarah Chalke, who mostly reminds me of Roseanne, to star in upcoming ABC sitcom Freshmen. [Pajiba]
“The Humpty Dance” sets epic example for bathroom sex. [Zelda Lily]
Snooki finally takes out the Bump-It and shows us the executive side of the Jersey Shore. [Allie Is Wired]
Gwyneth Paltrow still an asshat, still insists that you shouldn’t eat meat … Sometimes. [Celebitchy]
Jack Nicholson’s daughter looks way hotter in her bikini than he does fully clothed. [Pop On The Pop]
Lady Gaga sports a “Little Monsters” tattoo … and no, not as in Howie Mandel and Fred Savage, ’cause I know that’s what you were thinking. [Amy Grindhouse]
If loving the exploitation of Lindsay Lohan’s journey through emotional wreckage is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
Is Lindsay Lohan a secret celebrity hoarder????
Yes.
She is blatantly hoarding half the world’s collagen in her lips. You can let some of that go, Lindsay. Do you really need all of it? I think there’s a dead cat in there somewhere. (Seriously you guys do you remember that episode where they found that dead cat? ZOMG. I died. Not like that cat died, but you get it.)
