Tori Spelling and her creepy husband Dean McDermott go helmetless (that’d be illegal in California, TorTor!) as they bike their munchkins around LA in some sort of newfangled baby Tupperware.

Toothpick.

Tori and the family visited Coogie’s Beach Cafe this Sunday to grab a bite to eat, or in Tori’s case, to look at the food and occasionally smell it.

The family became irate and left the restaurant when a waitresses mistakenly attempted to use Tori to hold together a club sandwich.

“My daughter one day decided that she wasn’t speaking to my husband, myself and my son, and that’s how it’s continued for the last, oh gosh, four or five years. And it was sad, that’s what killed my husband, actually. He just didn’t want to live after that. He [had] just done everything he could possibly do for his daughter, and she wanted no part of him once he couldn’t do anything for her.”

Candy Spelling speaking to a Massachusetts radio station, relating the story of how her very boring daughter Tori is a murderer.

Tori Spelling is a phenomenon I just don’t understand. She bores me to tears. I find absolutely nothing compelling about her other than the unsolved mystery of how someone with so much money could get such a terrible boob job. I never write a story about her unless I absolutely have to. But most Tori stories go ignored around here unless Wendie picks ‘em up.

So I’m shocked to hear that Tuesday night’s season-four (four???) premiere of Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood drew 424,000 women 18-49, making it Oxygen’s most-watched opener among the demo in its nine-year history. In total, there were 763,000 people watching the show about Tori’s marriage and children, even if she did kill her father.

I ask this honestly: Why are people watching this show? Why is anyone remotely interested in the life of this woman and the husband she stole from another woman? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? Identify and explain yourselves.

I’m just going to say it.  How did someone with Tori Spelling’s bone structure produce such a cute child?  I’ve seen pictures of Tori as a baby…she was tragic looking.  Could one-year-old Stella already be getting surgery?  Was she a patient at the Romper Room Rhinoplasty Clinic?  Oh, you know I’m just kidding!  I just feel thankful that Tori’s husband Dean obviously and mercifully possesses all the dominant genes.

Tori was at the pool this weekend with that obviously adopted adorable child rockin’ a bikini.  And when I say “rockin’” I basically mean that her chesticles have hardened into igneous rock formations.  I hope she has strong swimming skills.  Being in water with a mountain chain strapped to your chest can’t be safe.

Tori making that “Oh my God, what’s wrong with this baby’s face?” face while holding her daughter conjures up images of my favorite Twilight Zone episode.  All the characters were doctors and nurses who worked at this hospital and had hideous pig faces but didn’t know they were ugly.  Then, when they removed the bandages from the face of a mystery patient, she was classically beautiful and all the snout faces were horrified by her because they only knew their own definition of beauty.  And while I understand that the moral of the story is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I think we can apply a couple of general ground rules regarding beauty.  For example, my two-year-old shouldn’t start growling and clawing at his own neck every time he sees a picture of Tori Spelling. (I need to video that.)  I hope Tori is aware that she is the snout face in this and every scenario and her baby is the beautiful one.

Finally, I’ve been worried about Tori’s eating habits, however my concerns have been assuaged as she was hard at work scarfing down a sandwich.  Dean is clearly eating small children her other two meals every day.

“I happen to be a Scorpio and I happen to be robust.  Can you blame me? Look at my wife. She’s the most beautiful girl in the world and has the hottest body — I’d be lying if I didn’t want to have sex with her six times a day…I was toasting that the sex was down from six times a day to three and a half.”

Dean McDermott explaining a toast he made to his wife in which he said, “to the sex we used to have,” which referred to the daily half-dozen carnal interactions that used to occur between him and “the most beautiful girl in the world” aka uh…Tori Spelling.

Also, can someone please explain to me how one has sex three-and-a-half times a day?  I’m sheltered.

Tori Spelling might not be able to be saved from her mandible.  And if she hasn’t learned the Bright Lipstick, Neutral Eye Color (or vice versa) rule yet, it probably isn’t going to ever sink in.  But Tori Spelling is wasting away in front of our eyes.  She’s always been thin but she looks a little insane at this point.

Tori’s skeleton, her husband Dean and their children Liam and Stella all attended Tori’s Mommywood book release party last night in Bev Hills.  Also there were Lisa Rinna, Jennie Garth, Kim Kardashian and inexplicably, Bobby Trendy.

Spelling has been going through a lot of familial stress lately which could be contributing to her gaunt appearance.  Her mom Candy just released her own book, titled Candyland.  Beyond their ability to cleverly title books, it seems like this mother and daughter don’t have much in common.  According to Mama Spelling, Tori has cut Candy out of her diet life.

Of course, Whori says she loves her mom but they “simply never meshed.”

I don’t know how to tell you this Cands, but it seems like your kid just isn’t that into you.