We are four days away from America’s sweetheart, Tom Cruise, giving up his flower one more time. This here link from ABC has a delightful sneak peek at the vows which are so awesome they must be broken down. They are as follows:

“Now Tom, girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills. A pan, a comb, perhaps a cat.”

I should mention this is not fake in the slightest, this is what Tom really will say “Hail Xenu” to. A gal needs frills! To quote a British friend of mine “Luvs It!’ Also, perhaps a cat? L. Ron, why not just lay it down, she either needs a cat or she doesn’t man.

Here is what Katie will say “uh-huh” to:

“Hear well, sweet Katie. … For promise binds. Young men are free and may forget. Remind him then that you may have necessities and follies, too.”

Okay, so Hubbard was a writer but he couldn’t quite get the spirit of the word “folly” correct. A girl may be prone to folly, but I’ve never heard of follies. Okay, I just checked it out at Merriam-Webster and although it’s a word I’m still mildly pissed off about the usage. I’d further note that if Tommy is still a young man at the tender age of 44 I look forward to many years of forgetting to buy cats my own self.

If these two crazy kids can’t make it what chance do the rest of us have? The answer, sadly, is none because most of us are kinda-sorta on prescription medication and will never make it to the 42nd level of blinding light or whatever Cruise is up to now.

Yup, the Spiderman 3 trailer leaked. Enjoy. [Derek Hail]

TomKat and Suri the Fake Baby (looking fake as can be), arrive in Rome for the contractually mandated wedding of the century. [Glitterati]

Leann Rimes sides with Faith Hill on the whole Carrie-Underwood-sucks issue. Classy. [Tabloid Whore]

Holy crap, stop the presses. Jude and Sienna broke up. For the eight billionth time. I honestly do not remember them getting back together. I’m sure I wrote about it, but I have some sort of Jude-Sienna mental filter that keeps that sort of info from sticking. I’m glad of it. [The Superficial]

This constant stream of Anna Nicole stories makes me want to mix methadone with antidepressants, too. The power company pulled the plug on her place in the Bahamas yesterday. [Allie is Wired]

Vogue doesn’t want pictures of Britney Spears’ baby. Not even for free. Damn. [HGW]

A little treat for the straight guys who stop by on occasion/accident: Alessandra Ambrosia photo explosion over at CelebSlam. [CelebSlam]

From our friends over at Heavy. Check it out.

Tom Cruise will be bringing his special brand of crazy to United Artists, parent company MGM announced Thursday. Cruise and his longtime producing partner, Paula Wagner, have taken a “substantial minority stake” in the company, where Wagner will serve as CEO and Cruise will have the authority to greenlight and star in the big-screen adaptations of every L. Ron Hubbard novel John Travolta missed.

“You’ve got the studios accusing talent of driving up the cost of doing business and the talent accusing the studios of being political bureaucracies,” says MGM chairman and CEO Harry Sloan. “We think if we can create a talent-friendly studio, owned by artists, then we can come up with a new financial model.”

Cruise was booted in August from his former home at Paramount, after Viacom crypt-keeper Sumner Redstone insisted Cruise’s off-screen antics were hurting the bottom line on his movies. His arrival at UA marks a return to the artist-run business model on which the studio was originally founded.

A lucky garbage man finds 200 nude photos of Marcia Cross in her garbage and is planning to sell them to the highest bidder. Cross has hired a lawyer to get them back. Note to Marcia: a shredder would have been cheaper. [Hollywood Rag]

Mischa Barton and her boyfriend, Whitestarr frontman Cisco Adler, may be calling it quits. [Pop on the Pop]

Viacom Overlord Sumner Redstone puts his dentures back in for long enough to give us a few more soundbytes on why he kicked Tom Cruise to the curb. [Yeeeah!]

Courtney Love reveals that she was pursuaded to enter rehab through the efforts of none other than drunk driver extraordinaire Mel Gibson. The Kabbalah thing she picked up elsewhere. [Hollyscoop]

Brad Pitt learns of his half-naked appearance on a Vanity Fair cover along with the rest of the nation. [TMZ]

Tom and Katie’s rep have now confirmed that their wedding will be November 18th in Italy. I’m glad for Katie since she already got brainwashed and knocked up in the course of a year while waiting in vain for her big wedding. They have been engaged since June 2005, so this wedding has been “in the works” for some time. I wish them well even though I find Tom Cruise super creepy.

I wonder if the guests will dress as aliens? Seriously if anyone knows what a Scientology wedding entails please shoot me an email.

Katie Holmes’ Catholic parents have threatened to boycott her wedding to Tom Cruise if it’s held in the Scientologist tradition. They also object to the Rob Thomas mask he insists she wear throughout the ceremony.