According to this article in the Daily Mail, Suri Cruise will be off to Scientolotot Elementary after she turns three this week. She’s heading to the Scientologist school founded by (closeted) Scientologist Will Smith.

The school is staffed by trained Scientologists and lists ‘study technology’ as a key curricular focus. The children eat a low-carb, low-sodium and low-sugar organic diet, although something tells me that’s about the only positive thing they’ll be teaching the kids at that school.

Meanwhile, Katie’s reportedly been on a much less nutritious diet, the Purification Rundown that Scientolowives endure before becoming impregnated with their little Xenu babies. The diet –- which consists of herbal drinks and a purification procedure to eliminate toxic substances — is rumored to have left Katie so run-down that she was forced to miss the Oscars. Starvation! Exactly what the medical community recommends prior to pregnancy! Katie’s somehow found the strength to be filming her new movie, The Extra Man, in NYC, but she’ll be heading back to LA soon so that Suri can start school and she can get knocked up. (By some manner of “extra man,” I’d imagine — probably the same one that fathered Suri.)

FREE KATIE!!!

Katie Holmes showed up yesterday in Tokyo at a Valkyrie screening with long hair.  Man, she must have a serious protein diet going…her hair grew, like, overnight!

So…love it or hate it?

Suri, I don’t blame you.  I’m totally over your dad too!  Speaking of “dad”, may I take this opportunity to ask you to Google images of Katie Holmes’ ex, Chris Klein?  Oh, hell…just look in the gallery.

Tom, Suri and Katie wearing an ensemble that is sure to spark baby bump rumors, arriving yesterday in Japan as they continue their Valkyrie promo tour.

OK! has written an entire article based on this photograph.  Like me, they totally diagnose celebrities as pregnant based solely on pictures.  Ultrasounds are, like, so unnecessary nowadays.  It’s clear Katie Holmes is pregnant based on the fact that Tom Cruise has his hand on her stomach.  I made a similar prediction a couple weeks ago based on Nicole Richie looking jubilant and announcement making-ish.

Actually, the hand on stomach is a Hollywood thing.  When I was pregnant, my husband wasn’t even allowed to make eye contact with me.  Or sleep in bed with me.  Or know where I was living.

As I sign off for the day, a personal yet somewhat related note:  Nine years ago today, my life forever changed.  I experienced the joy of giving birth to my first son.  If you have a soft spot for hyper-intelligent nine-year-olds, I’d love it if you’d post a “Happy Birthday” to him on my blog (Beet was nice enough to link in sidebar).  He already thinks he’s a celebrity after your comments on the Grandpa Sam video.  Seriously, he recently presented me with a rider chock-full of lunch box requirements.

Last night, Katie Holmes had the honor of presenting the SAG Award for Male Actor in a Leading Role to Sean Penn.

SAG Award dresses need to be discussed in detail.  But for the moment, I need someone to set me straight on why beautiful Katie is wearing that shapeless, drab, nun-gone-bad get up that highlights nothing except her deflated water balloons.  Oh, right, because she’s married to Tom Cruise.  That vampire role was the best he was ever cast; he sucks the beauty and life out of everyone he marries.  Don’t believe me?  Pictures in gallery are of women in the early days of dating Tom Cruise and what they look like after their sham marriages ended.  Scientology Tom Cruise kills, people.

Tom Cruise’s Valkyrie wasn’t exactly a smashing success in the U.S., but now he and Katie Holmes are in Europe promoting the hell out of it. On Tuesday, they attended the film’s premiere in London.

I kind of hate Katie’s outfit, and it makes her look like she has a baby bump, even though I don’t think she’s pregnant (although she did just end her run on Broadway, so it would be appropriate timing). But is it just me or do black tights and black open-toed shoes not belong on anyone over the age of 8?

Tom Cruise was in South Korea over the weekend promoting his film, Valkyrie.  ”I’ve always wanted to kill Hitler. As a child, I used to wonder why someone didn’t stand up and kill him,”  Cruise told reporters.  If his mother loved him, she could have saved him a lot of angst by letting him know that the reason no one stood up and killed Hitler was because he already did himself the favor seventeen years before Cruise was born.

Since my childhood aspirations didn’t extend much past conquering Pong or feathering Kissing Barbie’s hair with safety scissors, I can’t relate to such lofty goals.  Dictator assassination seems so ambitious for a grade-schooler to contemplate.  He really is a superhero, wanting to kill the dead.  It’s why he can get away with the turtleneck/sportcoat/mom jean combo.