Congrats to Jenna Jameson, who welcomed twins on Monday morning. The two healthy boys walked out of Jenna’s vagina hand-in-hand, waving to their doctors. They then headed out with Charlie Sheen to score pussy.

Jenna Jameson is apparently preggers, which just seems implausible to me, because I figured if the anorexia hadn’t completely destroyed her uterus, the twenty-year parade of huge cocks would have, but I guess I was wrong, because Tito Ortiz has successfully knocked her up. I guess if it can happen to Bones Richie, it can happen to anyone.

This kid is going to be so miserable. Like, pretty much anything anyone says about his mama is going to be true. Any joke that begins with “Yo momma’s such a slut …” will have to end with a nod of begrudging agreement from this child, instead of a left hook. That’s unfortunate.

Jenna showed up with Tito to the premiere of Never Back Down, and I’m not going to go so far as to say she looks healthy, but she certainly looks healthier. She looks like she’s gained a few pounds. Not, like, in a she’s-getting-fat-way, just in she’s-15-pounds-away-from-being-able-to-menstruate-again sort of way. She looks okay here. I want you to be okay, Jenna. I don’t know exactly what you’ve been going through this past year, but from the looks of some of your pictures, it’s been rough. So hopefully this set of pictures is a sign that things are looking up for ya, girl.

So Mischa pulled out of her hosting gig at CatHouse last night at the last minute — because of, ya know, that whole DUI thing — but they went ahead and opened anyway.

And who the hell needs Mischa Barton when you have Jenna Jameson and Tito Ortiz???

Also there: Jamie King, who got hitched to director Kyle Newman in November, and who’d sure as hell better be pregnant if she doesn’t want me to talk shit about that weight gain.