I know there are more than a few of you who’ve wished someone would smack the crap out of Tila Tequila. But I doubt any of you meant it literally.

The actress singer umm.. American citizen (it seems harsh to call her an internet fame whore when you’re writing about domestic violence) was hospitalized Sunday after an altercation with her boyfriend, San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman.

The two had been hanging out at a club all night for a friend’s birthday party and seemed in good spirits. But something went sour after they went home.

The San Diego Sheriff’s Department received a disturbance call from Tila “Tequila” Nguyen at 3:45 a.m. She told deputies she had been choked by Merriman and, when she tried to leave, he physically restrained her, a sheriff’s spokesman said.

Nguyen, 27, signed a citizen’s arrest warrant accusing the NFL linebacker of battery and false imprisonment.

Merriman is currently being held at the San Diego County jail. Tila’s rep declined to comment on her current condition.

Poor Lady Gaga’s chest exploded whilst performing at the 20th Annual MuchMusic Video Awards in Toronto, Canada.

Also there was Audrina Patridge in a cheap and ill-fitting dress, my fiance Bradley Cooper and the pure Jonas Brothers.  Oh, and I’m totally willing to support Kelly Clarkson in this whole body-acceptance thing she’s got going on, but there must be compromise.  No.  More.  Scarf.  Tops.

Rumer Willis appeared with her chin and Tila Tequila was positively stumped over the one-button operation of the Flip Mino HD camera.

Finally, in an admirable effort of frugality, Kim Kardashian fashioned her dress out of one of the extra costumes used by Fergie’s backup dancers.

Tila Tequila is a special kind of whore.

(SFW… I guess.)

Guys, I seriously don’t know how I can resist this.  It’s like God has sent a Priority Mail message directly to me.  Tila Tequila is in Boston this weekend.  That’s a lie, actually.  She’s not in Boston, she’s in Quincy — an outlying suburb.  I’m trying to determine if she’s worth the 45 minute drive and seven dollars worth of gas for me to go confront her.  I’m feeling like I need to go to Marina Bay, the club she’s appearing at, and ask her why she’s doing paid appearances since being famous means nothing to her.  I don’t know — what do you think?

If I go, I’m totally bringing my Flip so I can videotape this.  Now, I must leave you so I can go research just how quickly I can have a t-shirt printed that reads “Dumbass hoe.”  Oh, and I’m bringing an actual hoe and a hand mirror with me so I can explain the difference.

This is what happens when I’m left unattended too long.

I was on Twitter last night and I saw Tila Tequila whining about how she’s blocking anyone who asks her about Shot at Love.  Okay, let’s be honest here — Tila Tequila doesn’t have over 127,000 followers because of the humanitarian work she does in war-torn Sierra Leone.  People know her, and are interested in her (I guessssss…) because of the two seasons she did of Shot at Love.  And because I was left unattended too long I decided to point out that seemingly obvious fact to her.

Tila responded by calling me a “Dumbass hoe.”  If you aren’t familiar with that term, it means that I am the least intelligent of all garden tools.  Apparently, she didn’t appreciate my perspective.  Story.  Of.  My.  Life.

I don’t know if this is just some sort of publicity stunt but Tila Tequila and The Smashing Pumpkin’s Billy Corgan showed up on the 2nd Annual Bravo A-list awards red carpet, looking totally into one another.  So weird, it almost works.

Also, Kendra Wilkinson showed up looking like a Howard Johnson franchise, Tori Spelling needs a Happy Meal intervention-like, yesterday, Rachel Zoe is Jesus Christ, Kathy Griffin tried out a new lifestyle with Aubrey O’Day and Sanjaia Sanjaya was there despite the fact that the photo agencies didn’t care enough to even spell his name correctly.

You don’t want to screw around with pregnancy hormones.  I don’t know why Tila Tequila didn’t know this, but I bet she does now.

The Enquirer reports that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden were at a post-Oscars bash when reality-tv star and skanky dress designer, Tila Tequila arrived.  She was hugging Joel and hanging on him until Nicole dragged her fiance away.  Later in the night, Tila circled around again, trying to reconnect with Madden.  That’s when Nicole went psycho.  She put her face in Tequila’s, but thankfully not in tequila, and screamed for her to back off.  Tila left the party several minutes later.

When I was pregnant with my oldest, I almost threw a full bowl of Lucky Charms at my ex-husband’s head.  I’m sure it was just the hormones.  Yep.