Oh. My. God.

So I’m having dinner with a friend tonight. He reads my blog and so knows about all my celebrity crushes. And he’s like, “Okay, let’s rank them. Who do we have? Michael Phelps, of course. And Patrick Stewart. And Adrian Grenier. Oh, and Adam Duritz. And who else is in your top five? Christian Bale? Rank them from one to five.” And so we go through the process, and Adam Duritz came out on top, and my friend’s like “Really? Even with the fat?” And I thought about it, and I was like, “Ya know, maybe not with the fat. Because I tend to have clitoral orgasms, so I need to be able to rub up against the pelvic bone during sex, and with a really fat guy I couldn’t do that, so maybe me and Adam wouldn’t work after all.” So then I thought maybe Adrian would be on top, or Michael Phelps — if we wrapped the American flag around his face — and Patrick Stewart always comes in fifth because, although he is hot, he is undoubtedly old.

Here’s the point.

None of this matters anymore.

Because Chelsea Handler gets me wetter than any of those dudes combined.

Chelsea, baby, I love you in a way I didn’t know I could love. Your genius inspires me in a way I didn’t know I could be inspired. I want to be a part of you and scoop out some of you and keep it for myself. Is that gross? Chelsea, love, I don’t care. You are my everything, Chelsea Handler, you are my world, you are my future, and your genius is as boundless as my admiration for you.

On the slowest news day ever, I think it’s time we break out the Jonas Brothers.

You may not know about them. You may not care about them. But they’re the Biggest Thing Ever among the tweener set, which means in a few years they’ll be hitting up the night clubs and impregnating Tallulah Willis (yay!), so it’s time we start familiarizing you guys with them.

Here they are performing on The Early Show this week. The first clip is the song “S.O.S.” and the second clip (after the jump) is “Look Me in the Eyes.”

I’m not at all impressed.

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