Oh, jeez! Look who’s back! It’s my favorite drunken party skank, Tara Reid and she’s on the cover of Playboy!

The completely unemployable actress has had a really rough go the last couple of years between dealing with what was clearly a substance abuse problem and a series of botched plastic surgeries that left her body looking like shrink-wrapped cottage cheese stapled to the inside of a leather purse. She’s undergone more surgeries to remove a lot of the scarring that she experienced and now she’s showing off her goods in a nudie mag so we all know that she’s “back in action” or something. Tara (now 34 years old! Can you believe it? Time flies!) told a New York radio station “That’s part of the reason why I did Playboy, to show people, ‘Right, look at me. This is how I look now.’”, referring to those horrible tummy tuck scars we all saw.

I wonder what the other reasons for doing Playboy were. Perhaps the fact that it was her only paying gig since a club appearance in New Mexico or a straight to DVD film? Perhaps because there really was nothing to say about the woman that hasn’t already been said and she wanted to offer up a new angle for the press? Dare I say “art”?

I’m a little late on this, but hell: you can read about this twice if you have to, it’s that ridiculous: Tara Reid, perhaps the greatest con artist of our time, is posing for Playboy. We’ve seen pretty much everything she’s got after that red carpet nipple slip and numerous bikini clad shoots, there’s really not a question in my mind regarding what this woman looks like naked. Still, she somehow landed herself a Playboy spread.

In Touch broke the news and said:

In Touch can exclusively reveal that Tara Reid has stripped down to pose for the cover of an upcoming issue of Playboy magazine. The American Pie star, who underwent a botched liposuction procedure in 2004, posed entirely nude for the popular magazine at a private residence on October 7 in Santa Monica, Calif. Although Tara, 33, was a bit nervous shooting, she seemed to ease into it as the day went on. “She was a bit insecure about her body when they first started,” says an insider. “She looked great and finally got into the groove.” Tara had said in the past that she would never pose for Playboy, saying, “I know there are problems with my stomach. There are bumps on it, it’s uneven, but it’s not that bad. My stomach scars are my battle wounds.”

Aw, actually? Ya know what? That is kinda sad. A once promising actress with a budding career turns in to a big ol’ alcoholic mess and has to have the weight she gained from partying and boozing surgically removed and it ruined the only thing she thought could help her completely. Sadface.

Still, I seriously think this woman could be the Frank Abagnale of the Z-list. I mean, Playboy’s paying her?

Now, I’m not saying she looks good, but at least she’s not falling-down drunk and sloppy. She looks … presentable, and I commend her on that. Her stomach does look a little roundish in some of these photos, but I’m gonna give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she just ate. Because God help us all if this girl’s pregnant.

Tara’s on a St. Tropez vacay with her boyfriend, Michael Axtmann.

I was hoping things were looking up for Tara Reid after her stint in rehab.  To be honest, she was looking fabulous and seemed really dedicated to her program.  Then she went to Cannes.

Relapse is pretty common, especially in the early days of sobriety.  Tara, go home, call your sponsor.  And for God’s sake, put on some lipstick!

Sadly, Reid isn’t the only one back on the sauce.  I watched Celebrity Rehab when porn star Mary Carey was on.  And yeah, the show is exploitative, but she really showed signs of promise.  It seemed that when she stopped drinking she could envision a life that didn’t involve getting naked in front of cameras.  Unfortunately, she had a manager who was a real scumbag focused on salary over sanity.

It was pretty clear that she returned to boozing it up, but now Carey has released a new porn movie titled Celebrity Pornhab with Dr. Screw. You can watch a small clip of her on the set here, complete with Carey swigging straight out of a bottle.

Dr. Drew Pinsky, host of Celebrity Rehab (which will now be known as “the one where everyone keeps their clothes on“), Tweeted about it: “For those of you wondering about my feelings about Mary Ellen Cook’s [Mary Carey's] choice to mock : Res ipsa loquitur. Makes me very sad.”

It is sad to watch the descent and I can’t imagine having to battle addiction in the media.  I hope these two over-processed blonds can get on the right path.  Soon!

Well, at least it’s a horror flick. Who isn’t a little bit scared by Tara Reid?

Tara will star in an upcoming movie called The Fields, and the film’s writer/producer says “We’re hoping to make Tara relevant again.”

Tara will play a mother whose family is terrorized by an unseen presence. Meanwhile, the rest of us will continue to be terrorized by the unseen presence of Tara Reid’s career.

Whatever, it’s good to see her back on her feet and working. It can’t possibly be worse than Lindsay Lohan’s Fornarina ad. I’m still kind of surprised that even Lindsay “Desperate” Lohan took that gig. Where is that ad going to air? At the Special Olympics? (We can make that joke now, right? Because the President did.)

You know, I don’t know much about Promises, but I get the impression that they don’t like people to leave before they’ve logged their 30 days.

And it turns out that early reports that Tara Reid had left after 22 days were false.

Tara is still at Promises, says her rep, and sources inside her camp say “she’s doing well” and that “the whole family is very positive about this being the new beginning for her.”

Aw, Tara, I’m rooting for you, girl. This has been a long time coming. I’m hoping you can keep your ass sober after you do get out — or, better yet, spend some time in a sober living before jumping right back into the shreds of your career. Lord knows you stand to gain a lot in the long run for investing in your sobriety right now.

Remember the other day when Tara Reid went into rehab?  Well, she signed herself out of treatment at Promises Malibu on Saturday.  That basically amounts to twenty-two days in treatment.

I have this theory that people who check into rehab at the worst times of the year have the best shot at true recovery.  Because it is really life-inconvenient to enter treatment a couple weeks before Christmas.  I had high hopes that Tara was really serious when she checked in on December 12th.

Now I am working under the assumption that twenty-two days of Promises isn’t going to be enough.  The good news is Tara, her wayward nipples and coke eyes should provide many more years of entertainment!