Archive for the ‘Susan Boyle’ Category

Don’t Come Between Susan Boyle and Her Pussy

Sunday, June 21st, 2009

Susan Boyle - June 17th, 2009

After cancelling a performance earlier this week due to “fatigue”, Susan Boyle has once again raised concerns about her mental health after having a full on freak out last evening shortly before she was scheduled to sing during the Liverpool performance of the Britain’s Got Talent tour. Sources say that she was acting strangely all night, wandering around looking dazed and “scratching her belly with her top pulled up.” She later became hysterical and “repeatedly bawled: ‘Where’s my cat… I want my cat!”

It then took event staff half an hour to “sneak her out of the Liverpool hotel via a fire escape,” moments before she was scheduled to go on.

I don’t often profess concern for celebrities in my posts. This is mostly because I’m a bitch, but also because although I write about these people all the time, I don’t really know them. It’s hard for me to feel more than the most general “we’re all human beings and we’re all in this together” kind of concern for strangers who do stupid things like Twitter about their vaginas when they have too much to drink. But I am honestly worried about this woman.

Without speculating on any underlying preexistant mental illness, I’m just going to say that some people are not meant to be famous.

It’s not easy. You have to put up with an insanely hectic schedule, nary a moment’s privacy or peace, and people like me in your business all the time, writing snarky things about you and constantly judging your every action.

Susan Boyle is not meant to be famous. If she keeps this up, it will destroy her. Someone get her out of the spotlight before she gets burned… because chances are that she is not going to stop this on her own.

Is Susan Boyle Really Worth $13,666.66 a Minute?

Monday, June 15th, 2009

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Now that Susan Boyle is all rested up, she began her Britain’s Got Talent UK tour.  Oddly enough, after one performance, she had to take off last night to rest.  This could be part of her recovery plan from the exhaustion and breakdown she suffered a couple of weeks ago. 

It really begs the question:  When is it enough money?  Boyle gets paid $164,000 to perform a twelve-minute set.  She also has a recording deal for a Christmas CD that is worth about $13M. 

Susan, can you hear me?  Do the CD, do ten 12-minute sets — that’s two hours out of your life — and get the hell out of the spotlight, buy a house in the country and enjoy your millions of pounds.  And your good mental health.

Susan Boyle Admitted to Mental Health Clinic

Sunday, May 31st, 2009

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I feel like a dick. Sometimes things like this happen when you’re a loudmouthed cunt with oral diarrhea (which I most assuredly am). You spout off about someone only to have something horrible happen to them later on that makes you feel like a complete turd.

Susan Boyle has been admitted to a priory clinic (a mental health facility) following an emotional breakdown. Show aides telephoned police on Saturday to report that the BGT runner up had been acting strangely.

Paramedics helped the “spaced-out” star through the lobby and into an ambulance just after 6pm.

A Met Police Inspector and a police doctor were called to assist. The ambulance, tailed by a police car, then took her to the Priory in Southgate, North London.

A source at the hotel said last night: “She’d been at the hotel for a few days, but since Saturday’s final had been acting strangely, causing a bit of a stir.

“The staff were concerned – something wasn’t right.

“When the paramedics and police arrived she agreed to go voluntarily. She didn’t make a fuss. The paramedics calmly took her out through the main lobby and into the waiting ambulance.

“It was all done very calmly. They didn’t want to stress or upset her. She didn’t look well – she looked lost, not all there.”

Reportedly Susan had also burst into tears after her final BGT performance of “I Dreamed a Dream” and “sank into the arms of producers” immediately after leaving the stage.

Her physicians say that she is mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted and is going to take a few days off to rest and recover.

I talk a lot of smack about people, but I honestly don’t really want anything bad to happen to them– especially someone like Susan who hasn’t done anything wrong herself, but was being exploited by a production company.

I hope she gets the rest and relaxation she needs and has the strength to do what’s best for her mental and emotional health– even if that means passing on a multicity U.S. tour or giving up the record deal.

Susan Boyle’s Got… Second Place?!

Sunday, May 31st, 2009

In last night’s finale of Britain’s Got Talent, the homely heartstring-tugging heavy favorite Susan Boyle performed an encore performance of the song that made her an internet sensation– “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Miserables– this time in Dress Barn’s best elastic shimmery ball gown. As has become standard practice on the show, the judges permanently sewed their lips to her rather sizable ass, falling all over themselves to talk about how amazing her mediocre performance was.

Simon Cowell gushed, “Win or lose, you had the guts to come back here tonight, face your critics, and you beat them. You can walk away from this with your head held high Susan. I absolutely adore you,” while Piers Morgan called it “the greatest performance I’ve seen in Britain’s Got Talent history.”

Unfortunately, Britain didn’t agree.

In a season finale shocker, the title of most talented Brit went to a dance troupe called Diversity. Subo placed second.

Are any of you surprised? In spite of the massive BGT hype machine practically shoving Boyle down everyone’s throat as the feel-good, scrappy, spunky, kid with a lot of heart who has been shat on her entire life because of her physical appearance, the reality is that she’s just really not that good. She’s not terrible, but her singing has never been as astonishing or incredible as the judges gushed every time she set foot on stage.

The BGT team saw an opportunity to create some publicity, and capitalized on that brilliantly by blatantly exploiting Susan’s physical appearance. The whole situation has left me with a bad taste in my mouth. By pimping her out as the perpetual underdog just because of her unfortunate physical appearance, they’re basically saying that appearance is everything, and that we should all be shocked and ashamed of ourselves because we never realized that ugly people can, in fact, sing. Whether or not Susan herself was in on the act is something of which we can’t be certain.

At any rate, congrats to the winners, a dance troupe called Diversity. You can see a video of their winning performance below. Where did they pull that tiny child in the Superman outfit from? And where did he go??

No word yet on exactly who will be performing at the Royal Variety Show. The winner of BGT is supposed to perform at the show in front of the queen, but Boyle has already been invited to make an appearance. I’m guessing both of them will be there.

Does Susan Boyle Still Got Talent?

Sunday, May 24th, 2009

After a whole lotta hype, Susan Boyle performed again on Britain’s Got Talent, this time singing “Memory” from Cats. Personally, I was comparatively underwhelmed by this performance — she was behind the band most of the time, and more than one of the notes was a little pitchy. That didn’t seem to disturb the audience or the judges, though — she got a standing ovation and a ton of praise, even from Simon Cowell. “You know what, I just want to apologize because of the way we treated you before you sang the first time,” he said. “You made me and everyone else look very stupid and I’m very happy for you, very proud for you.”

What do you guys think? Does Susan deserve the hype?

For kicks and giggles, I put the performance of one of her competitors, dance troupe Diversity, after the jump.

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Susan Boyle is Still a Virgin

Sunday, May 24th, 2009

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The homely singer is getting ready for the final round of Britain’s Got Talent, and she’s heavily favored to win. Amanda Holden, a judge on the show, has invitied Demi and Ashton to attend the final show since the couple are supposedly big fans of the Boyle. She’s even received a personal invitation from her majesty to appear at the Royal Variety Performance– which will be embarrassing if she doesn’t win, since that honor is typically reserved for the winner of BGT.

And in case you were wondering about the sate of the 48 year old’s hymen, it remains intact– a fact that BGT’s promotional team would like you to remember. Because isn’t it amazing that an unattractive middle-aged virgin can sing? It just doesn’t make any sense! You have to be pretty and thin to be able to sing, like 99% of the female artists who have record deals today, right?

Oh wait, no. Actually, what you look like or how much sex you’ve had has absolutely nothing to do with how well you can sing. I’ll leave the oral jokes up to you.

Susan Boyle Was Just Kidding About Never Being Kissed

Thursday, April 23rd, 2009

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Hey, remember just yesterday when I was all like, “Isn’t it weird that no one believed Britney Spears was a virgin but everyone believes Susan Boyle’s never been kissed?” I’m so prescient, you guys.

In an interview with Extra’s Terri Seymour that will air tonight, Susan admits that she was totes JK on that one. “It was meant as a joke,” she said. “I’ve got a wicked sense of humor, you know!”

Hmmm. I wonder if she’ll lose some of the fan support because of this. Everyone just LOVES the idea of the tragic woman who’s never been kissed and is FINALLY getting an opportunity at empowerment. We want so very badly to be the ones who give love to the this previously utterly unloved woman. Will we love her less now that the joke’s on us?

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