According to this article in the Daily Mail, Suri Cruise will be off to Scientolotot Elementary after she turns three this week. She’s heading to the Scientologist school founded by (closeted) Scientologist Will Smith.

The school is staffed by trained Scientologists and lists ‘study technology’ as a key curricular focus. The children eat a low-carb, low-sodium and low-sugar organic diet, although something tells me that’s about the only positive thing they’ll be teaching the kids at that school.

Meanwhile, Katie’s reportedly been on a much less nutritious diet, the Purification Rundown that Scientolowives endure before becoming impregnated with their little Xenu babies. The diet –- which consists of herbal drinks and a purification procedure to eliminate toxic substances — is rumored to have left Katie so run-down that she was forced to miss the Oscars. Starvation! Exactly what the medical community recommends prior to pregnancy! Katie’s somehow found the strength to be filming her new movie, The Extra Man, in NYC, but she’ll be heading back to LA soon so that Suri can start school and she can get knocked up. (By some manner of “extra man,” I’d imagine — probably the same one that fathered Suri.)

FREE KATIE!!!

Suri, I don’t blame you.  I’m totally over your dad too!  Speaking of “dad”, may I take this opportunity to ask you to Google images of Katie Holmes’ ex, Chris Klein?  Oh, hell…just look in the gallery.

Tom, Suri and Katie wearing an ensemble that is sure to spark baby bump rumors, arriving yesterday in Japan as they continue their Valkyrie promo tour.

I’m not kidding here.  She wears rhinestone press-ons which are the brass knuckles of the toddler set.  Total gangsta.  Is that nail polish on her pinkie?  It’s probably some sort of gang symbolism.  Incidentally, I’m really old-fashioned because my kid wouldn’t be wearing red nail polish at like…two…gang or not.

I love her facial expression.  You can tell she’s totally going to be one of those celebs who goes totally Kanye on the paps all the time.  Or maybe she’s just freezing.  Is there some sort of Scientology rule about actually putting a coat on?

Also, a few additional pictures of Katie Holmes today performing All My Sons on Broadway.  Please.  Someone.  Feed.  Katie.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes take little Suri for a Thanksgiving walk outside Central Park on Thursday.

She’s FINALLY keeping warm!

Perhaps most surprisingly: Bella was in some of the photos!!!!

They actually let her be in the same park as them sometimes!!!

How kind-hearted.

Image via WENN

What. Is with. The skirt. Katie?

In NYC on Monday.

Katie and Suri enjoy a nice October day in NYC.

Suri Cruise wishes everybody would just be quiet for a minute, as she attempts to get into the car following an outing with her parents.