Perez Hilton held his 31st birthday party yesterday at the Viper Room nightclub in West Hollywood. For someone who talks a lot of trash about celebrities, making juvenile comments about their love lives and appearances, a lot of them showed up at his party. This means that I can still hold out hope that Clive Owen will turn up at my 31st birthday party, no matter how big of a bitch I am on this blog.

Paris Hilton & boyfriend Doug Reinhardt, Amanda Bynes, Steve-O, and a very different looking Ashley Tisdale (holding hands with a lady friend) were in attendance, amongst others. The Jonas Brothers “rushed over” from the Kid’s Choice awards to sing Happy Birthday, and Christina Aguilera did her best Marilyn Monroe impression of a breathy “Happy Birthday Mr. Perez-ident.”

“I’m not thrilled with the number 31,” Hilton, whose real name is Mario Lavandeira, said on the pink carpet in front of the Viper Room nightclub. “But I am super excited that, right now, I’m happier in my life than I ever have been before.”

Hilton bragged that the first gift he received was from “High School Musical” heartthrob Zac Efron.

“He sent me a bottle of champagne to my hotel room, which made me squeal like a little school girl,” he gushed.

Party attendee Paris Hilton seems to have contracted Victoria Beckham’s “Every Day I Look More and More Like a Robot” disease. Note the cut on boyfriend Reinhardt’s lip, a souvenir of Friday night’s scuffle with a bodyguard at Fontainebleau.

“My urge to stay sober, today, is way stronger than my urge to get fucked up. I truly pray to keep it that way … I’m going door-to-door from rehab to a sober house. Woo-hoo!”

Steve-O, who’s currently in treatment for alcoholism and drug abuse.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m actually proud of Steve-O right now.

A GOODBYE LETTER TO MY DRUGS OF CHOICE

At this point,
All you fucking things are good for is dying. I’m not
ready to die. I’m ready to live. I’m ready to breathe
(properly, even). I’m ready to fall in love. I’m ready
to become ready to start a family. I’m ready to be
happy, fulfilled and meaningful. Maybe I’ll see you
fukkers if and/or when I’m ready to die.

Steve-O

From his most recent MySpace blog.

“They call it “code 5150,” that means “psycho,” legally, fuckin bat-shit, certifiably. I’m outta my mind, believe-you-me. How’d I get this way? How can this be? It’s gotten so bad there’s nothing left of me.” -Steve-O

Those words were written during a “low.” Before the day when Johnny Knoxville, Jeff Tremaine, Big Regg, Swizz, Rick Kosick, Dimitry Elyaschevich, Cordell Mansfield, and Trip Taylor came to my home and, physcially, forced me into the hospital (where I was placed on a 5150 “hold”), I had thought of “bipolar” as a “good” thing. I rationally deduced that, with our time in this life being so limited, it was productive to stick to nothing but extremely high “highs”, and extremely low “lows.” ANYTHING but to “crash on the rocks of mediocrity.” I figured that, since I am an extraordinarily “tough” individual, I could handle it, and my legacy would be comprised of only that which could be described as “intense.” After four days in a psychiatric ward (a.k.a. “looney bin,” a.k.a. “cuckoo’s nest”) it has dawned on me that a great deal of what I produced, while on narcotics-induced “highs,” was a bunch of manic bullshit that made little-to-no sense and, furthermore, was devastating to those who love me the most. At this point, I am no longer “5150-status” (which was the three-day “hold” on me, resulting from suicidal behavior). I am now “5250-status” (which means that the “hold” has been extended to 14 days, for the exact same reasons). I’m not getting out of this “insane asylum” any time in the immediate future, so, I’m going to learn as much from the experience as possible. So far, I’ve figured out that I did a great deal of damage to my brain by abusing drugs and, now that they’ve all worn off, I’m facing the consequences. I suppose it is an ironic “eye for an eye” situation that I am in, coping with the lowest “lows” that I’ve ever experienced-as a form of punishment for the emotional distress that I have put my loved ones through with the self-destructive behavior that led me here.

I already know that I will be handing these pages over to my beautiful assistant, Jen Moore, during our next visitation, and instructing her to share them with as many people as possible on the Internet (rather than try to sell a “juicy” story to the tabloid press for profit). I hope that I haven’t disappointed too many of my fans. Actually, ya know what? Anyone that is disappointed by any of these words really doesn’t matter to me. I’ve harmed myself to no end for those people (at the expense of my loved ones), and look where it got me.

Now, what do I have to add? The research I did into the immortality of the soul, the end of life in our current bodies, and the 4th dimension, was, by no means a bunch of bullshit. I could stand before you all and say very similar words to the ones I say in the following clip, it’s just that I happened to be under the influence of a very dangerous amount of drugs when it was filmed:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C19d47jXyqg

Remember, everyone, “Be real careful, don’t misbehave…That’s all you gotta know to be saved…” -me

I Love You All, Steve-O

P.S. I’m really in the looney bin, but I think it was TJ that read my mind. Is that right, are you TJ? Maybe I’m wrong…

Jackass star Steve-O, in an email to his friends.

If there’s a good reason for me to run this email and give this guy more attention, it’s this: This life — the life that this guy was living — is not what it seems. It is not all crazy fun and good times and carefree shenanigans. There’s a lot of darkness behind the facade. There’s nothing free and wonderful and exciting about a self-destructing drug addiction, no matter how much money and celebrity you manage to garner in the process of exploiting your own disease.

To put it simply: Don’t try this at home.

Here’s some dumbass video Steve-O made after he got out of jail earlier in the month.

He claims he’s sober, but you can actually see the cocaine up his nose.

That’s hot.

Steve-O is currently in the psych ward at Cedars-Sinai, and was charged on Thursday with felony cocaine possession.

You’re so cool, dude. I wish I were cool like you.

Wow. I totally did not see this one coming.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

After emailing a suicide note to several friends and making this video, it seems our good friend Steve-O has landed himself in the Cedars-Sinai psych ward, Britney’s alma mater.

Psych wards are totally the new rehab!!!

According to an insider, he was taken to the emergency room on Sunday afternoon. After drug tests, he was checked into the Thalians Mental Health Center — known for doing crisis intervention — where he was put on a 72-hour hold. That has since been extended to 14 days, Star has learned.

“Steve is stabilized on meds at this point,” the source told Star. “He was also treated for burns on his skin as if he had been putting cigarettes out on his own body.”

Friends and family have become increasingly concerned about the star’s mental state, especially following his March 3 arrest following a dispute with a neighbor. Days after, a close family member told Star that Steve-O — real name Stephen Glover — suffers from untreated bipolar disorder.

“Right now he’s in his extreme mania,” the family member said. “His concerned friends and family are hoping he’ll seek treatment. He doesn’t need jail, he needs therapy. We’re just really hoping that this will be the wake-up call that gets him back to himself.”

But the situation escalated over the weekend when Steve-O, 33, e-mailed suicide notes to several friends, blaming a broken romance. Eventually a woman friend and his bodyguard took him to the hospital around 2pm on Sunday. But he caused a major scene in the hospital, says one insider.

“Steve started flipping out. He told doctors he wanted to hurt himself badly. He wanted to break every bone in his body one by one.”

Yeah, Steve-O needs meds. Meds and AA!!!

Get some help, kiddo.

I don’t know why I keep giving this kid publicity.

Maybe it’s because I feel like, as long as we’re writing about him, he’s incentivized not to kill himself or others. Because, like, when we stop writing about him, this dude’s totally going to take an entire elementary school hostage. Mark my words.

Anyway.

Watch at your own risk.

Really, dude, don’t you think it’s about time you check into rehab? I mean, just for show? This is getting ridiculous.

Steve-O is being held at an LAPD police station on $20,000 bail.

He was arrested at 5 a.m. this morning at his apartment after a neighbor called in complaining about vandalism at the apartment building.

I mean, aren’t you tired of this already, Stevie? Get some help.

Seriously, this kid needs Lindsay Lohan to swing by and pick him up on the way to her AA meetings. Steve-O has gotten himself in trouble once again.

“JACKASS” star Steve-O won’t be a part of Spike TV’s Video Game Awards because he showed up to the taping just too drunk and rowdy. The reality-show loser boarded a flight from LA to Las Vegas last weekend “already incredibly drunk,” a spy said, and “almost got kicked off the plane.” After arriving in Vegas to tape the show at the Mandalay Bay, he “started pulling down his pants and flashing women while holding two cocktails in one hand. He was escorted from the property by security – making it impossible for him to present at the show.” A Spike rep declined comment.

When you think about it, though, the only thing that makes him famous lately are his incredibly drunken antics. If he deals with his drinking problem, we probably won’t write about him anymore, and I think that’s his single greatest fear.

Okay, Steve-O, here’s a promise: if you get sober, I promise to write about you once a week anyway. Okay? Get some help, buddy.

Naomi Watts is preggers. [Perez]

Ryan Phillippe’s new girlfriend is 18-year-old Nikki Reed, of Thirteen fame, which is, ironically, their approximate age difference. [Cele|bitchy]

Eminem is reportedly set to marry Kim Mathers for the third time. They say third time’s the charm, so maybe this go-round he’ll actually kill her and we can be done with this crap. [Agent Bedhead]

Fergie continues her spelling bee of a solo career with the new video for “Glamorous.” [Bree]

Welcome to Famous, Heidi Montag. Leave your clothes at the door. You know, on the hook right above your dignity. [Pop on the Pop]

Maybe if Anne Hathaway ever emerged from her crypt and into the sunlight she wouldn’t be so depressed. [ICYDK]

• Kari Ann Peniche(’s publicist) finally breaks her day-long silence about the abrupt and predictable end to her week-long engagement to Aaron Carter.

• Brandon Davis gets in his second fight this week. I think he and Jason Wahler have an agreement to alternate days.

• Would you like to see a (tragically, censored) video of Steve-O urinating on his own red carpet? You’re in luck!

• Paris Hilton is formally charged with that DUI she picked up earlier this month. The maximum sentence is six months in jail, so keep your fingers crossed.

• The new Killers album is available for streaming on The Leak.

• NBC has complete episodes of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and Heroes available on its website. Not to be outdone, ABC has most of its primetime lineup available online, too. See, folks? Desperate Housewives may not be funny anymore, but boy oh boy is it ever accessible!

• Katie Holmes may play the role of Victoria Beckham in an upcoming biopic about Posh’s hubby, U.K. soccer star David Beckham.
• A publicity-starved Steve-O urinates on the red carpet at the premiere of Jackass 2. Fair warning: if you click that link, you are going to see his penis.
• Steve-O’s penis is lovely treat, but I know what you all really crave is a peek at Rosie O’Donnell’s tits. Well, then, you should watch Nip/Tuck on October 3. Or, you know, avoid Nip/Tuck at all costs for the entire month of October, just in case.
• Britney’s “manny” leaves her for Jude Law. Maybe he’s planning to reunite with Sienna Miller for the fifty-eighth time. She was not such a big fan of the old nanny.
• Keith Richards showed up to film his part as Johnny Depp’s father in the third installment of the other national mint, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Rolling Stones rocker was almost too drunk to get through the scene. Where is Courtney Love when you need her?
• If you own an energy drink called Rehab, and you would like people to take pictures of your product and write about it on the Internet, you do whatever it takes to get that can into the sweaty, shaky hands of Lindsay Lohan. But how to do that? It just seems to good to be true. It took me awhile to find much information on the product, since any google search for “lohan rehab” or “rehab beverages” provides a million hits I can’t use, but I finally tracked down their website. They’re a Las Vegas company, and it looks like they’re partnered with Pink Taco, a chain of Mexican restaurants owned by Harry Morton, Lohan’s boyfriend. Mystery solved.