“HEY EVERYONE! I DID DRUGS! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!! MAKE ME FAMOUS!!!”

Okay, Stephanie, but only because there’s not much else going on today.

“Once in history class, I was so high that when the teacher wasn’t looking, I asked a girl to feel my heart,” she said. “It was beating so fast I thought I was going to die … Spencer got mad because he was always defending me at school, saying I wasn’t on drugs even when I was. He stopped talking to me for a bit.”

That’s a dumb story, Stephanie. You know what? Once in history class, I was so high I filled up three blue books for what was supposed to be a two-page essay and then used another to write a thank-you note to the teacher. Now that’s how you do cocaine.

Stephanie says she got sober after her 2006 arrest. “Getting arrested was a blessing,” she says. “I don’t think I would have been able to get off drugs without that wake-up call.”

Man, you’d think that after watching his sister battle a drug addiction, Spencer would be a little kinder toward Jason Wahler and his sobriety. But whatever. Spencer’s an ass.

Remember how I was saying it would be fabulous if there was a Stephanie Pratt sex tape?

Ask and ye shall receive.

This just landed in my inbox:

evilbeet,

there IS a stephanie pratt sex tape. i met stephanie in miami just a few weeks after spencer started on the hills and she was bragging about how her brother was on tv and i didn’t give a shit, but i was like “damn that girl is hot!!!” so i took her back to my place and we had a little fun for the camera. and i think it’s funny that her brother was talking shit about lauren’s vaj, because his sister has a gross mole on hers. it’s the size of my thumb and it has little hairs in it. you can see it in the tape. am currently talking to video agencies to decide where to sell it now that hse’s on the hills but wanted to let u know.

[name redacted]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!

All’s fair in love and war, kids. You should have stayed away, Stephanie.

Who’s this gross-ass methface?

It’s Spencer Pratt’s little sister, Stephanie, who recently decided to start making appearances on The Hills and hassling Lauren without provocation.

You’re fair game now, whore.

Early in the evening of May 8, 2006, in Honolulu, Stephanie, then 20, and a 20-year-old friend — the daughter of a production executive on the locally filmed ABC series Lost — were arrested by the police after security guards at ritzy Neiman Marcus department store caught the duo attempting to shoplift a number of clothing items.

According to police records, Stephanie and her friend had tried on more than 50 pieces of clothing in a dressing room, then left the store after the friend paid for five items. When apprehended outside by store security, Stephanie was wearing two stolen items of clothing and carrying five more in her shoulder bag, while her friend was wearing one stolen item and carrying five more in her bag. Together, the value of the stolen merchandise totaled $1,300!

Stephanie and her friend found themselves in even more hot water after they were arrested on charges of second-degree theft and transported to police headquarters. After they both claimed they took prescription medicine and gave permission to have their bags searched, Stephanie was then arrested on further charges of “promoting a dangerous drug” in the third degree, and “promoting a harmful drug” in the third and fourth degree (her friend was also arrested on a single drug charge). The friend didn’t help matters when, according to the police report, she told an officer that she’d call her lawyer and “be out of this mess and then fly to Paris.” She then added: “If I leave the state, then f–k you guys and your charges! You can’t do anything to me once I’m not here!”

Can’t wait until the Stephanie Pratt sex tape surfaces. Oh, we’re going to have some fun with that.