Stephanie Pratt got a DUI recently and according to her, it’s not her fault. She thinks that she was set up by her brother Spencer, who is desperate to keep The Hills on the air. Stephanie claims that Spencer was encouraging her to drink at sister-in-law Holly Montag’s birthday party the night of the arrest. She’d been watching her intake exactly for the reason that she was afraid of getting pulled over and says that Spencer and MTV producers were the ones who kept telling her to pound another drink down. Once Stephanie left the club, where there were already officers parked outside, and didn’t get twenty yards in her vehicle before she heard sirens.

While Stephanie’s story is actually slightly believable, it seems unlikely that Spencer, MTV and the Los Angeles Police Department were all willing to do this to Stephanie. Not only does she already have a record, but it just seems over the top, even for The Hills. While Stephanie did blow just barely over the legal limit, making it a fair arrest, wouldn’t the LAPD catch some unneeded flack for their involvement in such a stunt? Beside, isn’t Holly supposed to be the alcoholic?

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have “eloped” in Mexico, if by “eloped” you mean “meticulously photographed every moment for the eventual sale of the photos to Us Weekly.”

I kind of refuse to believe that these two voluntarily opted against televising their ceremony. My guess is that MTV wouldn’t pay them what they were asking and had them locked into a TV contract, so they said “Fuck it” and “eloped” and sold the pics exclusively.

Us Weekly pics are here.

Heidi’s 22 and Spencer is 25. This thing will last FOREVER, I’m sure of it. At least, it will last until the messy, messy divorce, for which I am so psyched.

“Like I’ve always said: Heidi’s hair and makeup people are some of my favorite homosexuals on the planet, and if they want to marry each other, I’m not about to be like, ‘Don’t.’”

The sage and ever-eloquent Spencer Pratt — a staunch Republican — discusses Prop 8 during an interview today.

As for Heidi’s take on it?

“I’m very for equal rights,” she said.

See? This is where Spencer and Heidi come in handy. When you need someone to really reach across the aisle and connect with the morons. Spencer and Heidi speak moron fluently, and, if that can help a cause I care about, I’m all for it.

Hey remember how Britney Spears did a couple of episodes of How I Met Your Mother and everyone was like “That’s stunt casting! This is a ridiculous ratings ploy!” and the producers were all like “We would never do that! How dare you?”

Yeah.

Guess who’s filming their guest spots on HIMYM this week?

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

“We can confirm that Heidi and Spencer will appear on the show,” cocreator and executive producer Craig Thomas says. “But we can’t give away anything specific about the episode. All we can say is that they play themselves, and one of them is the Mother.”

Holy Jesus if these two submit their names for Emmy consideration, like Britney did, I’m just going to boycott the whole world forever.

While Lauren Conrad was debuting her new fashion line in LA yesterday, her frenemy Audrina Patridge was getting friendly with LC’s longtime arch-nemesis, Spencer Pratt, at the grand opening of XIV restaurant in WeHo.

Ouch!

Question: Is there anything in the universe more obnoxious than a logo-bearing Fendi belt?

Maybe a logo-bearing Fendi scrunchie?

I’m just not sure.

You know, every now and then, something will happen that reminds me that I’m getting more mature. Like, I’ll carry the trash bag all the way to the trash chute, instead of just setting it in the hall outside my apartment and trusting that someone else will get so sick of the smell that they’ll take it to the trash chute for me. When I tell people I’m going to the gym later this afternoon, it’s the truth. When my cats are crying because they’re hungry at 6:30 in the morning, I get out of bed and give them food, rather than grabbing the water gun off the bed stand and shooting at them until they shut up. And, in the ultimate proof that I am becoming a full-fledged adult, I no longer care about The Hills. It’s true. I don’t watch it and I don’t want to. Every now and then I get a little pang of guilt about it, but it quickly passes. I really didn’t care at all about The Hills‘ season premiere on Monday and I’m not afraid to admit it.

But here are the pictures. Because I don’t think I’ll ever get old enough that I don’t want to look at other people’s dresses.

Also: Did Heidi get her lips done recently? Yes or no?

Honestly, when I first heard that Heidi and Spencer were planning on making a trip to Iraq, I was like “As a weapon?”

Are they just going to annoy the living daylights out of the enemy? Explode heads with the sheer force and relentlessness of their egos?

No, no.

Actually, Heidi plans to sing for the troops.

“My brother was an airborne ranger in Afghanistan and Iraq,” she said in an interview. “It’s very important to me and important to Spencer to support the troops and go over there.”

And they’re somehow dragging Meghan McCain into this mess, too.

“She’s very sweet,” Spencer said. “I think Meghan McCain is helping organize Heidi and our Iraq trip. Her dad definitely has some pull with the military. I think she’s going to put that together for us.”

Jesus Christ, how funny would it be if Heidi and Spencer single-handedly destroyed the John McCain campaign? Like, “Yeah, I was gonna vote for him, but if he’s gonna help promote Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, he clearly doesn’t have a clue about what’s in this country’s best interest.”

Also on the Speidi agenda: a video game. Yeah, you read that right. “It’s top secret,” Spencer says. “Get ready. All your wildest dreams are going to be in it.”

Oh, I hope so. I hope it’s a first-person shooter game. And I hope the targets are Heidi and Spencer. I would buy that game.

No, no, I’m serious.

RADAR magazine gave the dude a regular advice column.

When I first read this, I was like, “Oh, okay, it’s a new spin on the advice column: people will just write in each week and give Spencer Pratt some advice, because he obviously needs it.”

But no.

Spencer Pratt will be the one entrusted to advise other people.

“Spencer is never afraid to speak his mind,” Radar editor Maer Roshan said in a statement. “When asking for advice, it’s good to have someone who will be brutally honest with you, and tell it like it is.”

Oh, man. Spencer doesn’t tell it like it is. Spencer tells it like he thinks it is. And that’s not just not something you want presented as fact, ever.

It looks like that’s the case.

In a new interview with Us Weekly, Spencer says that “Kristin made it all happen. She said to me, ‘I know this girl who’s so hot and perfect for you!’”

My God, it’s a giant plot to ruin Lauren Conrad’s life.

I still love you, Lauren!!!!

Heidi also goes on and on about how she and Spencer are having “ups and downs,” ostensibly because he “cheated” on her, although she adds that “Spencer and I may differ on what it means to cheat.” Heh. Spencer probably gave a radio interview without Heidi there or something awful like that. You know this girl cares way more about famewhoring than she does about any dude.

Heidi and Spencer showed up at the premiere of Cloverfield, looking very much the couple, and a certain ring is back on Heidi’s finger.

Is this a publicity stunt???

Good.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE SPOTLIGHT, HEIDI AND SPENCER!!!!

JAMIE-LYNN SPEARS IS PREGNANT.

You don’t matter today, Heidi, or ever.

Says Montag,”We’re just going back to being boyfriend and girlfriend…” as Pratt interjects without mockery, “…when our relationship was flawless.”

So where is Montag’s engagement ring? “I turned it into a pendant,” she says. “It wasn’t my dream ring. I don’t like what it represents. I might sell it.”

A pendant.

How very Carrie Bradshaw of you.

Also: this photo is so ridiculously airbrushed.