Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have “eloped” in Mexico, if by “eloped” you mean “meticulously photographed every moment for the eventual sale of the photos to Us Weekly.”

I kind of refuse to believe that these two voluntarily opted against televising their ceremony. My guess is that MTV wouldn’t pay them what they were asking and had them locked into a TV contract, so they said “Fuck it” and “eloped” and sold the pics exclusively.

Us Weekly pics are here.

Heidi’s 22 and Spencer is 25. This thing will last FOREVER, I’m sure of it. At least, it will last until the messy, messy divorce, for which I am so psyched.

“Like I’ve always said: Heidi’s hair and makeup people are some of my favorite homosexuals on the planet, and if they want to marry each other, I’m not about to be like, ‘Don’t.’”

The sage and ever-eloquent Spencer Pratt — a staunch Republican — discusses Prop 8 during an interview today.

As for Heidi’s take on it?

“I’m very for equal rights,” she said.

See? This is where Spencer and Heidi come in handy. When you need someone to really reach across the aisle and connect with the morons. Spencer and Heidi speak moron fluently, and, if that can help a cause I care about, I’m all for it.

Hey remember how Britney Spears did a couple of episodes of How I Met Your Mother and everyone was like “That’s stunt casting! This is a ridiculous ratings ploy!” and the producers were all like “We would never do that! How dare you?”

Yeah.

Guess who’s filming their guest spots on HIMYM this week?

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

“We can confirm that Heidi and Spencer will appear on the show,” cocreator and executive producer Craig Thomas says. “But we can’t give away anything specific about the episode. All we can say is that they play themselves, and one of them is the Mother.”

Holy Jesus if these two submit their names for Emmy consideration, like Britney did, I’m just going to boycott the whole world forever.

While Lauren Conrad was debuting her new fashion line in LA yesterday, her frenemy Audrina Patridge was getting friendly with LC’s longtime arch-nemesis, Spencer Pratt, at the grand opening of XIV restaurant in WeHo.

Ouch!

Question: Is there anything in the universe more obnoxious than a logo-bearing Fendi belt?

Maybe a logo-bearing Fendi scrunchie?

I’m just not sure.

You know, every now and then, something will happen that reminds me that I’m getting more mature. Like, I’ll carry the trash bag all the way to the trash chute, instead of just setting it in the hall outside my apartment and trusting that someone else will get so sick of the smell that they’ll take it to the trash chute for me. When I tell people I’m going to the gym later this afternoon, it’s the truth. When my cats are crying because they’re hungry at 6:30 in the morning, I get out of bed and give them food, rather than grabbing the water gun off the bed stand and shooting at them until they shut up. And, in the ultimate proof that I am becoming a full-fledged adult, I no longer care about The Hills. It’s true. I don’t watch it and I don’t want to. Every now and then I get a little pang of guilt about it, but it quickly passes. I really didn’t care at all about The Hills‘ season premiere on Monday and I’m not afraid to admit it.

But here are the pictures. Because I don’t think I’ll ever get old enough that I don’t want to look at other people’s dresses.

Also: Did Heidi get her lips done recently? Yes or no?

Honestly, when I first heard that Heidi and Spencer were planning on making a trip to Iraq, I was like “As a weapon?”

Are they just going to annoy the living daylights out of the enemy? Explode heads with the sheer force and relentlessness of their egos?

No, no.

Actually, Heidi plans to sing for the troops.

“My brother was an airborne ranger in Afghanistan and Iraq,” she said in an interview. “It’s very important to me and important to Spencer to support the troops and go over there.”

And they’re somehow dragging Meghan McCain into this mess, too.

“She’s very sweet,” Spencer said. “I think Meghan McCain is helping organize Heidi and our Iraq trip. Her dad definitely has some pull with the military. I think she’s going to put that together for us.”

Jesus Christ, how funny would it be if Heidi and Spencer single-handedly destroyed the John McCain campaign? Like, “Yeah, I was gonna vote for him, but if he’s gonna help promote Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, he clearly doesn’t have a clue about what’s in this country’s best interest.”

Also on the Speidi agenda: a video game. Yeah, you read that right. “It’s top secret,” Spencer says. “Get ready. All your wildest dreams are going to be in it.”

Oh, I hope so. I hope it’s a first-person shooter game. And I hope the targets are Heidi and Spencer. I would buy that game.