“I heard Oprah Winfrey is leaving and there’s nobody who can do what Oprah did but, ahem – hello! Hello! I’m trying to proposition the networks right now. If you’re wanting a nice, black, exciting young male who wants to turn the TV world right up – get at me.”

– Snoop D-O-double jizzle, discussing his plans to fill Oprah’s shoes when she quits next year.

Good morning, everyone!  I hope you are waking and baking this morning.  I’m so glad that I work in the written word and don’t do vlogging, because I seriously would be cracking up right now and wouldn’t be able to get through this piece.  Oh, and I would have to put makeup on.  Needless to say, I’ve never smoked a joint in my life.  Do they even call them joints anymore?  Roaches?  Spliffs?  Blunts?  Are those all the same thing or are there different varieties?  I need you to educate me.  You can even give me a pot quiz, afterward.  Get it?  Pot Quiz???  Shit, I’m starting to sound stoned.

Rapper Snoop Dogg, idiot extraordinaire, has posted NSFW video on his Twitter live stream of himself (allegedly!) smoking pot.  But don’t worry-he’s got a license to do so.  Which leads me to ponder:  Is no fashion sense a medical condition that necessitates daily use of medical marijuana?

Congratulations to Snoop Dogg, who is now considered non-threatening enough to enter the country of Australia.

In fairness to Snoop, it’s not that he got less badass, it’s just that the government in power when he was banned was a little less immigration-friendly than the current administration, which removed the ban.

“He has now been assessed under the character test as having passed, so he will be given a visa,” said an immigration official.

With the ban lifted, Snoop plans to tour in Australia starting October 21 along with Ice Cube.

I guess he is, because his wife was arrested for DUI in Fullerton this weekend.

Her name is Shante Broadus, and she’s been married to Snoop since 1997. She was taken to jail in Fullerton and released. There was no one else in the car.

Look at this chick! She’s been doing a lot more than drinking and driving. That is some serious crack-face. You’d think Snoop would have ditched her ass long ago.

For reasons passing understanding, Snoop Dogg appeared backstage at the CMT Awards on Monday.

Maybe his options for appearances are limited, seeing as most countries are currently trying to ban him.

Britain really, really doesn’t want Snoop Dogg in their country.

Britain’s Border Agency said Friday it would appeal a court’s decision to reverse an earlier ruling that had banned Snoop Dogg from entering the country after the rapper and his entourage started a fight at Heathrow Airport in April 2006.

He and five others were arrested at Heathrow on charges of violent disorder for instigating a brawl in a nearby duty-free shop after their 30-person posse was denied entry into British Airways’ first-class lounge because not everyone in the group was holding first-class tickets. Seven officers were injured in the melee.

I’m sure it all seemed very cute and unimportant at the time, but Britain didn’t feel that way. They banned Snoop from entering the country, and it meant he had to cancel a British Isles tour with Diddy, so now he’s looking to make it all better.

“Snoop and his team are mystified at the decision and are hoping that the British government will reconsider this decision,” says his rep. “He has asked how he can help rectify the situation and would happily talk to and give assurances to the officials.”

Snoop is also currently banned from Australia, where their prime minister said that “he doesn’t seem the sort of bloke we want in this country.”

Heh. It does kind of seem like Britain’s making an unfair example of him, but I can’t say I blame them. Like, it’s neither cute nor badass to start fist fights in international airports in a post-9/11 world. You have to be pretty fucking dumb to pull that crap. Save that shit for the playground, boys.

Like even this photo — which was taken at his album release party in late March — kind of pisses me off. I know you have a reputation to protect, Snoop, but you also have children of your own, and you’re actively glorifying gun violence by wearing that necklace. I know you rap about much worse shit, and you absolutely have that right, in much the same way you absolutely have the right to wear that necklace, but really? Do you have to? You’re 36 years old now. Doesn’t it ever just get exhausting to define yourself with violence?