“Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother. She’s an ethereal angel. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren’t my mother, as sick as that sounds.”

Shia LaBeouf sharing his secret and stomach-turning desire to bone his mother, in the Playboy article that Kelly wrote about over the weekend.

At least with the folks at the Burbank courthouse.

Shia was busted for smoking illegally outside some stupid gift shop in Burbank. His arraignment was today at 8 am, but Shia was a no-show. His lawyer didn’t show up either.

The judge issued a $1000 bench warrant for his arrest. His current whereabouts are unknown, but I’m sure that, wherever he is, he’s laughing his ass off about this, like he probably was with the ticket earlier.

Like, seriously, smoking is bad, kids, but I think it’s total bullshit that people aren’t allowed to smoke on the fucking streets anymore. I understand banning it from restaurants, or even from bars, but on the street? Like I love how every time I’m walking down the Santa Monica Promenade smoking a cigarette some kind pedestrian stops to remind me that you’re not allowed to smoke on the Promenade. And I’m always like “Oh, yes, I’ll take that under serious consideration” as I puff away. If anyone ever tried to ticket my ass for smoking on the Promenade I think I’d be like “Take this ticket and shove it,” much like Shia did. Fuck, dude, I don’t even pay my speeding tickets; you think I have time to deal with smoking tickets?

No hard feelings about this one, buddy.