Oh, Lance Armstrong.  If he wasn’t busy with his knocked-up girlfriend, I’d so be trying to fix him up with Jennifer Aniston.  Why?  Because his biography, the imaginatively titled “Lance”, is coming out this summer and he talks about his break up with Sheryl Crow.  I know, I know-haven’t we all just been haunted, wondering “why?” ever since their split three years ago?  Anyway, I was thinking Lance and Jen would be the perfect couple.  They could get together and lament about Brad and Sheryl and we could all try to determine which of the four of them is the most tan.

As I’m pretty sure I said last December, Lance and Sheryl broke up in 2006 because they were in different places in their lives.  “Different places” is always code for “I don’t want kids,” or “I’m gay.”  She moved on and adopted a baby boy and he got his girlfriend pregnant because he thought his spermies were all dead soldiers.

In conclusion, this is what happens to you when there is a slow news day.  I talk about long-ended relationships that no one ever cared about even when they existed.  I will now go troll the wire looking for news on celebrity deaths, divorces and melees so we never have to suffer through another story like this again.  Wish me luck!

Here’s a rare shot of Sheryl Crow with her son, little Wyatt Crow.

OMG this kid is ADORABLE.

I need a baby NOW. There is only so long I can dress up Leo in varying outfits — he has a football jersey now that says “Quarterbark,” ha ha, GET IT??? So, put the word out, I am on the hunt for a baby. Preferably one who speaks perfect French. And also I am looking for at least two or three nannies for whenever the baby is doing something that is not cute.

The Yoplait Save Lids to Save Lives campaign donates ten cents to Susan G. Komen for the Cure© for each pink foil Yoplait container lid that is mailed to them.  It’s a great cause and an easy way to contribute.  Who doesn’t eat yogurt anyway?  Well I don’t but I’m no poster child for normalcy.  And come to think of it, can you imagine if your job was to open all those incoming envelopes of lids?  Gross!  Because you know people lick those lids, put them in an envelope and mail ‘em out all in the name of cancer research.  And I cannot deal with unknown DNA.  It’s what killed my career in porn.  Sorry…so…last night was the 10th Anniversary celebration of this program and lots of stars turned out. 

I was a bit alarmed when I saw the pictures of Cynthia Nixon.  Was she always this thin?  She looks like she could stand to eat a Yoplait to help save her life.  I’m dramatizing but she is thin.  Also, I feel, as a public service announcement, I need to tell Sheryl Crow that there comes a time in every woman’s life when she must start wearing a bra.  For me, it was at twelve.  For you Sheryl, today is your day.

 Other celebs who arrived for this worthwhile cause include Kristin Davis, David Arquette, Laura Dern, Rita Wilson, Kelly Lynch, Rosanna Arquette and Kelly Kapowski Samantha Harris.  And please, a moment of silence for Judy Tenuta’s face as we used to know it.  I always thought she was so beautiful.

Lance Armstrong was sighted picking up the check after dinner with Sheryl Crow at at Noho Star in NYC.

Are they just friends?

Or could these two be rekindling a romance?

And what the fuck happened with Lance and Ashley Olsen? That was shaping up to be a latecoming winner for best celeb romance of 2007. I was so ready. I had so many jokes lined up. Now it’s possible I won’t even get to use them. :(

“Ashley Olsen and I are strictly friends,” says Lance Armstrong to Page Six. “We have hung out amongst other friends, and she strikes me as a nice, smart lady.”

I don’t wanna believe him! I don’t wanna believe him!

However, Sheryl Crow responds to the rumors that she talked shit about Lashley without really denying that the two are a couple: “Lance and I are friends. I have a lot of respect for him and what he does in the world of cancer. What he does in his personal life . . . is none of my business. Nor would I ever comment on it.”

That doesn’t sound quite like a denial that they’re together.

I just don’t know what’s true anymore!

I want a LASHLEY!!!

Lance Armstrong’s ex isn’t exactly excited about his new relationship, with 21-year-old Ashley Olsen.

A source reports that, when she was asked about the relationship at a party recently, “Sheryl rolled her eyes and said, ‘That’s pathetic. Ashley’s a kid.’”

I agree, Sheryl!

Thirteen years after the release of Tuesday Night Music Club, it turns out nobody is strong enough to be Sheryl Crow’s man — except, apparently, the two-week-old boy Sheryl has just adopted.

Says Sheryl on her website: “I am so excited to share with you guys that I’ve adopted a little boy ..he was born 2 weeks ago. His name is Wyatt (after my dad) Steven (after my little brother and Scooter) and we are enjoying some very private family time.”

Crow has declined to provide much information about the little boy, but she’s not pulling an Angelina; the child was born in the United States. Crow — who split from cyclist Lance Bass Armstrong [ed: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! I am so retarded.] in February 2006 — plans to take some time off and focus on being a mom.