Stone butched it up in Sardinia this weekend while vacationing with family– scratching her ass, smoking a fatty, and… shoving a water hose in her mouth. That’s not a euphemism for anything– she inexplicably shoved the nozzle of a water hose in her mouth while rinsing off.

I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves:

More in the gallery.

Quickly! Someone call the cops! Where is security in all this? Sharon Stone is in a public place and she’s touching small children!!!

Wait, what? They’re her children? That is impossible. Sharon Stone does not have ovaries. It’s a little-known tidbit that she took her stage name from the fact that was born with stones instead of ovaries. The stones were also found in her heart and in the part of the brain that controls fashion choices.

Ah, the sons are adopted. That makes more sense. She adopted the first one with then-husband, Phil Bronstein, before she divorced and then ate him. She adopted her second two on her own. And now they are all playing at the park. So nice.

Elton John’s yearly party is super exclusive and tough to get an invite to.  Having said that, I’m having a few “What the fuck,” moments.

What the fuck?  Simon Cowell and Terri Seymour are back together?

What the fuck?  What is that French’s Golden Mustard get-up Dita Von Teese wearing?

What the fuck?  Rachel Griffiths in head-to-toe grey flannel?  Is she fat or just pregnant?  Oh, she’s pregnant.  Still…that’s not right.

Bai Ling?  Just, what the fuck?

Ugh, I had more to say, but I looked at too many pictures of Posh and now I must sleep…can’t…keep…eyes…open.

You know all that bitching we were doing about Angelina appearing at events dressed in what appeared to be belted nightgowns? Well, I think she got tired of it because this is what she wore to The Orange  British Academy Film Awards.

A few other arrivals are below. Sharon Stone looks amazing, Alesha Dixon went for high drama, Penelope Cruz looks a little like she’s being strangled by a velvet turtleneck, and Dominic Cooper is hot. I don’t like Emma Watson’s dress, but it may just be a bad angle. 

Sharon Stone and her much younger boyfriend, Chase Dreyfous, were spotted leaving Katsuya on Wednesday night.

How many animals died to make your outfit, Sharon?

You’re enough of a cougar as it is! I should dye you blue and wear you around my shoulders!

Images via WENN

Sharon Stone does her very best insane-chic at the 23rd Annual American Cinematheque Awards in Beverly Hills.

Seriously, please check out the pic of the back of her hair. It’s, like, barely even brushed, let alone straightened.

A judge merely denied her a request to enroll her son in school in Los Angeles; Roan currently lives and attends school where his father resides, in northern California. The custody agreement has not been altered.

Meanwhile, for anyone who cares, the San Francisco Examiner just endorsed the McCain/Palin ticket. Craziness ensues.

Sharon Stone is like the Britney Spears of the Viagra set.

At the age of 50, Sharon has somehow managed to lose all physical custody of her 8-year-old son, Roan, to her ex-husband, Phil Bronstein.

According to court documents detailing a September 12, 2008 custody hearing, Phil Bronstein “shall have permanent sole physical custody of child. Court finds that Respondent (Sharon Stone) failed to meet her burden of proof and denies Respondent’s (Sharon Stone’s) request for modification of custody. The judge also notes this order is permanent unless there is a change of circumstances.

And all without ever shaving her head or attacking the paparazzi with umbrellas.

How do you even do that?

I assume Exhibit A in her husband’s court arsenal were a collection of red carpet photos of Sharon taken over the past five years. That should be enough to convince any reasonable person that this woman was out of her goddamn mind.

COUGAR POWER!

Fifty-year-old Sharon Stone has been rumored for a little while now to be dating Chase Dreyfous, a 24-year-old who worked with her charity, Planet Hope.

Is this the mystery guy she left Beso with last night?

Sharon Stone gets dangerously close to an upskirt at an event in Paris.

Also: Charlie is very, very sick. He was diagnosed with Parvo — he probably had it before I adopted him, the vet said — and he’s now in the hospital and he’s not doing very well. So posting is going to be slow or non-existent right now, because I’m spending almost all my time with him at the hospital, and I’m not really in a mood to be funny. Please keep him in your prayers.

On the red carpet, apparently.

Who the hell wears sunglasses on the red carpet?

Or puts their hands in the pockets of their dress?

Everything is wrong with this, Sharon.

I don’t know what she’s wearing — did she kill Cookie Monster for that wrap? — but our pal Sharon’s in Dubai hoping to raise $1M at an auction to fight AIDS in Africa.

Thank you for helping, Sharon, even if you’re crazy.