Diamond has said the video was a private reel he’d made four years ago on a dare from some poker buddies. “We tried to stop it,” Diamond said recently on “The Dr. Keith Ablow Show.”

Whew! That’s a relief. I mean, it’s bad you made it the first place, but at least you didn’t do it to make a quick buck. Screech power restored! Oh no, wait a sec here, what’s this later on in the article?

“Dustin was in on this deal from the start,” Schmidt (the video’s agent) tells us. “He made this tape in a St. Louis hotel room with two girls last summer with the intention that I would sell it.”

Oh. Huh, seems to be differing stories there. So let’s call that an old fashioned “he said, he said” sort of deal and move on to the meat of the article.

Schmidt suspects Diamond has been doubly deceptive. “I have reason to believe that is not Dustin’s [manhood] in the movie,” says the agent. “You never see his face and his [manhood] in the same shot. If, in fact, he used a body double, I’m going to sue him for defrauding me, Red Light and the American public.”

First off, the word “manhood” is funny. Second, thank fucking god someone is rushing to the aid of the American public; we have an absolute unalienable right to see Screech’s real life cock for our hard earned dollar.

Luckily Screech’s girlfriend (and how I’d like to meet this gem) has some input:

Misner (girlfriend), who isn’t on the tape, says she never would have let Diamond engage in his infamous “Dirty Sanchez” session with two women. But she’s adamant that Diamond didn’t use a stunt organ. “That is all Dustin,” she says. “I would definitely know. I’m proud of my man.”

“Let him prove it,” counters Schmidt. “I want to produce the evidence. Let’s see if he measures up.”

So this is what it’s come to people, Screech getting measured to make sure it was his “A.C. Slater” on the tape, the tape where human excrement is involved. I don’t know, I got nothing. Nothing but fear and regret and the hope that one day I can be someone’s stunt organ.