So Scarlett took a third role in a Woody Allen film. Fine. I’ve moved past it. But don’t you dare come out and compliment this wife’s adopted daughter coveting bastard. Don’t you do it Scarlett!

Sigh. You did it.

“I’d sew the hems of his pants if he asked me to,” the actress, 22, says in the April issue of Vogue.

Yes, and he’d allow you to. You’re the requisite 40 years younger he requires. Better to drink the blood of the young you see. Woody chimes in describing her as:

“criminally sexy,” telling the magazine: “While she is a much stronger actress in every way, there is a tiny bit of Marilyn Monroe in her zaftig humidity.”

Zaftig = juicy, succulent. Nice Wood, nice. You got her right where you want her. For fun let’s look at a bonus quote from 2005 from Woody.

Allen estimated that, despite the scandal’s damage to his reputation, Farrow’s discovery of Allen’s attraction to Soon-Yi Previn, by accidentally finding nude photographs of her, was “just one of the fortuitous events, one of the great pieces of luck in my life. [...] It was a turning point for the better.”

There you have it. This is a lucky dude. Also he’s a talentless hack. Go away.

S-Jo is going to star in another Goddamn Woody Allen film??

Scarlett, honey, the guy married his adopted daughter. Worse for you, he lost his fastball where film is concerned about two decades ago. I get it, you wanted to work with the Wood-man when you were growing up, but vanity time is over now. You’ve got to start doing serious work.

Let’s see what the past two Wood projects got ya:

Match Point $23 million at the box office
Scoop $10 million at the box office.

No, box office is not the only barometer of quality so let’s look at all the awards of note these films won. Still waiting? Yeah, I thought so. Yeah, Match Point picked up some silly third rate hardware that no one has ever heard of.

Let me guess, this film will be a quirky romance style of deal, hopefully one where Wood gets to bed you so the audience can cringe in horror. Stop taking his calls. It’s the decent thing to do at this point.

S-Jo is headed to Broadway!

This is good news for a myriad of reasons; not the least of which is the idea that I’ll know her specific location for hours at a time. You can’t imagine how helpful this is on the stalking front.

Even better the article states:

Screen beauty Scarlett Johansson is in the running to play Nellie Forbush in a sexy revival of “South Pacific” at Lincoln Center.

You see that? Sexy revival! She’s bringing sexy back, the only downside being she’s clearly aligned too tightly with J-Tim’s worldviews on sexy. Plus the fact that she’s playing Ms. Forbush will keep us bloggers in jokes for weeks at a time.

I would like EvilT to take me to this. I will buy the popcorn.

Scojo has totally let the world know what she thinks of Lindsay Lohan in Parade Magazine. She doesn’t mention Lindsay outright but this quote leaves little to the imagination. Talking about her work habits Scarlett lets us know that, unlike some party-happy starlets, she gets to work on time.

“I’m very responsible when I’m working. I’ve just been doing it for a long time, and I’m not the kind of person who is going to show up to work three hours late, or maybe not come at all. That’s just not who I am. That just has to do with the fact that I understand that everybody else comes to work, and we would all like to get an extra four hours of sleep, but what can you do?”.

Scarlett is a class act. She can be famous without whoring herself out to the paparazzi twenty minutes after she gets out of rehab. The creepy thing, however, is that they both dated Jared Leto. Ew.

Lindsay Lohan’s out of rehab and on the loose. And everyone knows the next-best thing to some Grey Goose cocktail is some Ryan Phillippe … um .. you know. [A Socialite's Life]

Sarah Michelle Gellar: pregnant or fat? [INO]

Cammy Diaz nabs herself some Tyrese. [Cele|bitchy]

Premiere becomes the latest magazine to bid adieu to its print version, plans to focus efforts on online operations. [fishbowlLA]

Hey, guess who’s still freakin’ adorable? The Jolie-Pitt family! [ICYDK]

Also cute: TomKat and Suri, back on the intramural sports circuit. [dlisted]

Courtney Love breaks the big story that there was cocaine at Paris Hilton’s birthday party. We get it, Courtney. You’re sober now. But do you really have to ruin it for everyone else? [Warship]

Tobey Maguire and Jennifer Meyer take little Ruby Sweetheart into the ocean. Nude. (She’s nude, not them.) [POTP]

Pics from Liz Hurley’s wedding. [Allie]

ScarJo puts on her very ugliest dress for the Louis Vuitton show. Hair and shoes to match. [SOW]

One billion pics from the NAACP Image Awards. [PopSugar]

Also … a VERY SPECIAL thanks to Joy A. at Pop on the Pop for giving Evil Beet a shout-out in her Mediabistro interview. We love ya, Joy, and we love reading POTP!

I researched the quote to make sure I got the headline right you Shakespeare freaks. Man, you guys are worse than the LeopardRinis.

Okay, back to business, Scarlett Johannson(twins) has come out and made a very non-definitive statement about her and Timberlake.

Here it is:

“We have a lot of friends in common, and Justin’s a sweetheart, and it’s always good to see him. But there’s a lot of speculation and I try not to read that stuff. I think when two people are single and are seen together, it’s immediately like a crazy feeding frenzy.”

You know what else piques people’s interest? When you appear in a 9 minute whack off self aggrandizing J-Tim video. It’s like when that Counting Crows guy had Courteney Cox in his video. They were doing it. Or when Steven Tyler put his daughter Liv in there. You get the picture.

So don’t blame us feeding frenziers for being right on the money. You guys love each other and will have a million babies and that’s all there is to it. Unless of course he goes with Jessica. Then you’re out.

*Headline Courtesy of Hamlet*