Every day I get such a kick at looking at the search terms that guide you people to this site. I always feel a little bad when you end up here searching for something I don’t offer. So in an attempt to remedy this (and because I think it’s funny), I am going to start a semi-regular segment in which I address these search terms and attempt to provide the appropriate content. So here are some of my recent favorites:

stephen colletti shirtless

Judging from these samples, it’s not a real shocker that the Internet doesn’t abound with such monstrosities. A distended belly and what looks like the beginnings of eczema. You sure were lucky to score that shit, Kristin. You’re so pretty. Search tip: using quotation marks in Google — “stephen colletti shirtless” — produces better results.

Lark Voorhees pics

More than one of you has shown up here using these terms. I am sad for you. But I couldn’t figure out why you didn’t just click the images tab in Google, until I tried to do it myself. Here’s a hint for all of us: spell it “Voorhies,” because, you know, it turns out that’s how she does.

Stephen Colletti bong

Here’s a beer bong, it’s the best I can do. I can, however, pretty much assure you that Stephen Colletti smokes weed. Is that what you wanted to hear? Is it? Okay then.

Jason Wahler break up cocaine

You’re awfully specific, aren’t you? I’ve actually had quite a number of you show up here via some combination of “Jason Wahler” and “cocaine.” Well, Jason Wahler did break up with Lauren Conrad (or was it the other way around? Hm. I guess we’ll find out next season.) Does Jason Wahler do cocaine? Hm. Now I don’t want to go around all allege-y and whatnot, but if you all typed it into Google, perhaps you know something that I won’t print.

“white wife”

I hear they have them in Russia, dude.

Just a few random clips I thought I’d leave for anyone who swings by this weekend.

Remember when Jessie Spano was abusing caffeine pills? Yes, you do. You reminisce about it at least once weekly with your friends. Unless you’re one of the people who keeps showing up on this site searching for Cacee Cobb and Donald Faison, in which case you are 14 at best, and the only thing you know about Mark-Paul Gosselaar is that he died in a car accident at least 5 times before you finished elementary school.

Speaking of Donald Faison’s love interests, here’s Garden State as a horror trailer, via The Trailer Mash.

And last but not least, probably the most appropriate use of a treadmill I’ve seen in years. Thanks to Alex for the link.

It’s a slow news day. The things you might care about, before the week ends:

• Lou Diamond Phillips arrested for some good old-fashioned wife-beating. People epithets him as “Law & Order: SVU actor.” It’s as if Stand and Deliver never even happened…so sad…
• Fuck. Yes. Screech — who the mainstream media begrudgingly continues to refer to as “Dustin Diamond” — says he fought with a woman who entered his Omaha hotel room to steal video games while he was touring with a — wait for it, just wait — adults-only comedy show. The woman denies the charges. The news here, of course, is that we are somehow still writing pieces about Dustin Diamond.
• La Lohan finally has a stalker. According to several different reports, the stalker has done the following things: sent Lindsay flowers at her place of occasional work, and sent letters asking to meet her, providing his full name and phone number. This is fucking creepy, you guys.
• Patrick Swayze tragically reminds us he exists, valiantly comes to the rescue of his good buddy Mel Gibson by forcing us all to note that if there’s anything more retarded than driving a car drunk, it is, undoubtedly, flying a Cessna drunk.
• Lark Voorhees got a parking ticket today.
• I mean, she didn’t, of course, but it would totally not be news if she did. So why are we still writing pieces about Dustin Diamond?