Once again, I don’t care who you’re voting for, you gotta watch this interview with Matt Damon, where he makes the point that, well, he’s done the actuary tables (really?) and determined that John McCain has a one in three chance of kicking the bucket at some point during the next four years. This will put, as he so eloquently phrases it, a hockey mom from Alaska “facing down Vladimir Putin … using the folksy stuff she learned at the hockey rink.”

He also said that he doesn’t “understand why more people aren’t talking about how absurd it is.”

Uh, Matt?

Are you living in this country right now?

We don’t really talk about much besides Sarah Palin these days.

I have some campaign suggestions for Barack Obama. If you want to take some of the steam out of the McCain engine, stop wasting your breath trying to discredit the woman politically and just give Lindsay Lohan an eight-ball. Sit Nicole Richie down for a few shots of tequila and make sure she has the keys to her car. Get Mary-Kate Olsen some quality time with Benji Madden. Steal all of Britney Spears’ underwear.

For Christsake, give us anything else to talk about right now.

I’m in the gym tonight, jogging away on the treadmill (going on two months smoke-free, woot woot!!! I can JOG!!!) and I have my iPod on and I’m blasting my music, but the guy running next to me has the TV tuned to CNN. And I can’t hear anything they’re saying, but they’re obviously talking about Sarah Palin. And they’re just showing clip after clip after clip of her hitting the campaign trail with McCain. Smiling, waving, holding her baby, embracing her daughters, looking sisterly with Cindy McCain, and I’m trying to get to the bottom of something that is bothering me quite a bit right now: This woman stands opposed to everything I believe in, so why do I like her? Why am I not filled with rage and fear every time her bespectacled, grinning face shows up next to McCain’s? Why am I drawn to this woman who’s been thrust into the national spotlight after spending a lifetime fighting against the things I fight so ferociously for?

And then it hits me.

Barack Obama’s spent the past eighteen months offering this country change.

John McCain, now, is offering us a mother.

McCain is no political novice, and I figured he had a damn good reason for choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. In retrospect, I can’t believe it took me so long.

Barack Obama’s a brilliant orator, a charismatic leader, clearly an erudite man and a voice passionately preaching Something Better that we can rally behind in this time of Very Serious Issues. And John McCain simply cannot fight him on those points. He’s painfully outmatched.

But isn’t it always a time of Very Serious Issues? Haven’t we just endured eight draining, tragic, gut-wrenching, traumatic, blood-filled years of Very Serious Issues? It’s been horrific and it’s seemed endless. And maybe, now, before we get back to the Very Serious Issues, it would be nice to go home to our mothers and put on our PJs and slippers and have her make us a nice warm bowl of soup and we can all curl up on her couch that always smells vaguely of her perfume and wrap ourselves up in the blanket she knitted four Christmases ago and watch Brady Bunch reruns on Nick at Night while we munch on her oatmeal cookies. And then maybe after that we’ll get back to the Very Serious Issues, but not yet. Right now, regardless of what we may claim to value in a candidate or an administration, we’re all exhausted, and we just want to be taken care of, tucked in, kissed goodnight and told that everything will look better in the morning.

Sarah Palin is, at first glance, what Hillary Clinton could not work into her own image no matter how hard she tried: she is a nurturer. And, right now, this country needs a nurturer. We didn’t even realize it until it was offered to us. And it’s a political strategy that’s never been attempted at this level, and it’s the right time and the right place and the right candidate and it hit me, tonight, that this is absolutely fucking brilliant.

It’s why you’re seeing Independents flock to McCain right now, and it’s why, IMHO, he’s got a damn good chance of winning this election now. Because it doesn’t really matter what gets said at the debates or where anyone stands on the issues. I wish it did, guys, but it doesn’t, not really. We vote from our hearts, not from our heads — especially at a time like this. Americans may have thought they wanted some abstract notion of change, but that was before they realized they could have a mother instead. World issues are scary. Mothers are not.

I’m not saying it’s the right way to win an election — and I’m in no way endorsing the McCain/Palin ticket — but I’m gonna go ahead and bet it’ll prove effective.

Here’s Jon Stewart weighing in on the McCain camp and the Palin nomination.

Eh, you have to admit, she’s quite likable when she’s talking, and she’s got that whole adorable Tina Fey look going on and that cute little Alaskan accent.

Another observation: between Bristol “Juneau” Palin and her hottie boyfriend, Meghan and Cindy McCain and Sarah Palin’s hot librarian look, this has gotta be one of the most physically attractive Presidential tickets in the history of the United States. I mean, the Obama camp has Michelle, who is admittedly quite beautiful, but can she really hold up all alone against the sheer photogenicism of the McCain/Palin ticket? I can’t help but think that McCain must have taken all this into consideration as he was choosing Palin — the McCain and Palin families standing together, well, they sure do look pretty.

And I have to make yet another observation — I know many (not all!) of you are fond of getting chatty in the comments about how I should stay away from politics because I don’t know anything about it. And I’ll happily admit to the latter. I don’t know much about politics at all. But you know what, motherfuckers? I’m an adult citizen of the United States who has never been convicted of a felony (thanks to my awesome lawyers!!) and my totally uninformed ass can march to the polling center and vote however I damn well want, and it will count every bit as much as Bill Clinton’s or Karl Rove’s or your vote in the general election. And you know what else, motherfuckers? Most people in this country know even less about politics than I do. They have their opinions — either deeply or loosely held — about things like gay marriage and stem cell research and the war in Iraq and Roe v. Wade or whatever, but, when it comes down to it, they understand the short- and long-reaching impact of economic and foreign and domestic policy decisions even less than I do. But you know what’s super duper funny? Their vote counts! Yes! It does! Just as much as yours, Mr. Genius Political Ingenue Who Occasionally Enjoys Leaving Unpleasant Comments on Celebrity Gossip Blogs.

So, frankly, the fact that my understanding of politics — or lack thereof — is representative of the majority of Americans actually makes my opinions more valuable than the opinions of people who know big words and important-sounding phrases and statistics and history and read The Economist and whatnot. Because I’m going to make my decision based entirely on what I see and hear and think on the surface, because I’m not equipped with the economic, historical or international framework to delve a whole lot deeper than that. And that makes me unique among American voters only to the extent that I am willing to admit that publicly. That’s kind of one of the grotesque beauties of politics in a functional democracy: I don’t have to know what I’m talking about for my opinion to matter more than the people who do know what they’re talking about.

I’m just saying.

It’s always fun when the talking heads don’t realize they’re being recorded and let you know what they really think.

Here are two conservative commentators on MSNBC talking about Sarah Palin — when they think nobody’s listening.

Thanks Rebecca!

Seriously it’s like Senator McCain had one too many shots of tequila (perhaps with Bristol Palin?) and was like, “Hey, ya know what would be funny? If I made my running mate that hot governor chick from Alaska. Ya know, the one with the glasses? And the tits? Like, ‘You people want a woman in the White House? Okay, fine, but at least let’s make her a hot one.’ L. O. L. Fuck it, let’s do it. I mean, how funny would that shit be? Make it happen. NOW! And someone pour me another drink.”

And then, somewhere around noon the next day, he woke up with a raging headache, looked at the morning paper, and was like “Fuck. Shit. What happened last night?”

Up until 1996, when she ran for mayor, Sarah Palin was a member of the Alaskan Independence Party — a party which has considered Alaskan secession from the United States.

Um …

This is not good, Senator McCain.

Families may be off-limits, dear, but when the VP candidate herself belonged to a political party that wanted nothing to do with the, uh, United States of America?

Not. So. Off-limits.

Meanwhile, I certainly hope Barack Obama is using this hard-earned break from the spotlight to have sex with lots of hookers and get caught up on his cocaine usage. He could probably get away with it right now.

Heh.

I guess it’s just Sarah Palin Day, since there’s nothing else going on during Labor Day weekend.

Here’s a fairly humorous rant by Diddy on the topic of McCain’s VP choice. And this was made before all the news about Bristol came out.

Thanks Kathryn!