Throughout the Levi Johnston Famewhore Tour ‘09, Sarah Palin has stayed pretty tight lipped about the whole thing. Surprising because Levi has publicly slandered her in all the right places. He went so far as to take his mother and sister to Tyra where they had a “Johnston Family Speaks Out”-type special in which numerous private details about both Palin and her daughter, Bristol. After Levi’s appearance on CBS’ The Early Show this morning, Palin couldn’t keep quiet anymore.

Levi flat-out said in his interview that Palin would refer to her son Trigg, who has Down Syndrome, as “retarded” and then followed that by saying that he has a lot more info that would damage whatever rep she has left. “You know, I mean, if I really wanted to hurt her, I could very easily. But there’s – I’m not gonna do it.”

Obviously a line was crossed over at the Palin camp because a statement was issued this afternoon by Palin who sounds like she’s not messing around, either. “We have purposefully ignored the mean spirited, malicious and untrue attacks on our family,” Palin says in a statement. “We, like many, are appalled at the inflammatory statements being made or implied. Trig is our ‘blessed little angel’ who knows it and is lovingly called that every day of his life.”

With Levi scheduled to shoot Playgirl and plenty of more publicity opportunities on the line, I bet there’s going to be a lot more chances for him to go after the Palin’s. I would suggest that he not do it, but deep down I know that I just want to hear the juicy gossip.

I know, I know, everyone’s going to be making that joke today. It’s okay. It’s funny. And I’m just delighted to hear that Levi Johnston is going to pose for Playgirl. I totally thought Playgirl had folded. What a fantastic way to make porn for “women” relevant again. To prepare, Levi is training three hours a day, six nights a week at an Anchorage gym with a local body builder. (That local body builder is not Sarah Palin.) He hasn’t reached a formal agreement with Playgirl, but his attorney says that it’s “a foregone conclusion.” Which may mean he’s bullshitting this whole thing for publicity, or to strong-arm Playgirl into paying him more money. Which, again, is totally okay with me.

I have to admit, I love Levi Johnston. I mean, the poor guy was just trying to fuck the hottest girl at his high school without a rubber — a common teenage pursuit — and then her mother had to go and run for Vice President of the fucking United States and drag him into a national spotlight, force him to propose to the aforementioned hot girl (whom he was just trying to fuck without a rubber, not freakin’ marry), and then the whole family treats him like shit and nobody will even let him see his baby. He got dealt a fairly crappy hand here, and I love that he’s dealing with it by making every possible exploitative penny and attempting to muddy the Palin name in the process. It’s how I like to think I’d behave in similar circumstances.

I have to admit something else. The AP’s headline for this story is “Father of Palin’s grandson to pose for Playgirl.” I read that like ten times wondering to myself who the hell was posing for Playgirl. “Father of Palin’s grandson” is just way too much dot-connecting for me. I didn’t understand it was Levi until I read the article. I’m still laughing to myself about that one.

After his last bout of press from attending the Teen Choice Awards with the hilarious Kathy Griffin, Levi Johnston clearly felt his star was fading because instead of just slipping in to obscurity like he’s supposed to, he’s now dishing to Vanity Fair about all kinds of scandalous crap going down in the Palin household.

Johnston touches on some hot topics and while not much of this is a surprise, it’s interesting to hear Palin inside information from someone who’s actually been inside of a Palin. Oh God, that was gross. Sorry.

Here are some choice quotes pulled from People.com:

• On Sarah and Todd’s parenting skills: “Even before she was nominated, there wasn’t much parenting in that house. Sarah doesn’t cook, Todd doesn’t cook – the kids would do it all themselves: cook, clean, do the laundry, and get ready for school. Most of the time Bristol would help her youngest sister with her homework, and I’d barbecue chicken or steak on the grill.”
• On the possibility of a divorce: “There was a lot of talk of divorce in that house … times when Sarah and Todd would mention it and sound pretty serious.”
• On Sarah giving up on her role as Alaska’s governor: “A week or two after she got back she started talking about how nice it would be to quit and write a book or do a show and make ‘triple the money.’ She would blatantly say, ‘I want to just take this money and quit being governor.’ “
• On Sarah wanting to adopt Bristol’s baby: “That way, she said, Bristol and I didn’t have to worry about anything. Sarah kept mentioning this plan. She was nagging – she wouldn’t give up. She would say, ‘So, are you gonna let me adopt him?’ I think Sarah wanted to make Bristol look good, and she didn’t want people to know that her 17-year-old daughter was going to have a kid.”

While giving away private family details and conversations only further proves that Levi isn’t Mensa material, it is interesting to think about how much the Palin family must have alienated him in order for him to speak out so publicly. There is already an on-going battle for Levi to spend time with his child, and sharing these details, in his mind, must have been worth further risking his ability to see his son.

In Levi Johnston’s continuing attempt to extend his long-expired fifteen minutes of fame, he spoke at a press conference last Thursday in which he claimed that Sarah Palin resigned for financial reasons. 

Johnston recounted tales of the Palin family lamenting their inability to accept book and reality television deals due to Sarah’s political obligations.  He believes that is the motivating force behind Palin’s hasty departure from government.

Levi — and this dude’s only accomplishment has been to sperminate a politician’s teenage daughter, but he is working on some book and acting deals – has withdrawn his support for Sarah Palin, claiming he wouldn’t vote for her in a presidential race after she abandoned Alaska.

If that weren’t enough, he appeared on the Today Show where he basically said all the same stuff.  You can watch that here.

Please, caption this and I expect more imagination than “Running For Office.”  

Sarah Palin, as she appears on the Runner’s World website.  Did anyone ever know she was this hot?

Oh, man. That Palin family. I thought they’d stop entertaining us after this last Presidential election wrapped up, but I should have known better.

Here’s a clip of Levi whining to Tyra Banks about how Bristol is mean to him and won’t let him take the baby anywhere. Poor Levi. He really has that “pathetic” act down pat right now. I almost feel bad for him. Almost. And I love how Tyra is just coaxing out every sob-story word of it, letting every little drop of mock-tragedy fall like water down her silly, silly extensions.

So what does Sarah Palin’s camp have to say about all this? “We’re disappointed that Levi and his family, in a quest for fame, attention and fortune, are engaging in flat-out lies, gross exaggeration, and even distortion of their relationship,” her rep said in a statement. Dude. That’s a really poorly written statement. It’s not clear what “their relationship” and its corresponding “distortion” refers to. The Palins can’t even get a publicist who can write?

Sarah Palin’s niece auctioned a pair of shoes that Auntie wore while on the campaign trail; they sold for $2025 on Ebay.  Who knew the provenance of Sarah Palin’s GOP foot sweat was so desirable?  Palin has repeatedly stated that she felt she was under constant attack during the days leading up to the direction.  If you’d like the sanitized version (and who wouldn’t?), you can buy the same Naughty Monkey shoes here new for ninety bucks.

As a related tip during these tough economic times, I do a bit of selling on Ebay and have learned that used shoes and socks have a very dedicated following.  If you think I’m kidding, search “well worn socks” and “well worn shoes” in Ebay’s completed listings; seventy-eight pictures of ped porn per listing plus vaguely written descriptions equals big bucks.