It’s Sarah Larson, throwing like a girl at a charity softball game in Tacoma.

I wish I’d known!

A friend of mine wanted me to come with her to the So You Think You Can Dance tour in Tacoma last night. I was like, “Listen, bitch, if you won’t come with me to see New Kids on the Block, you’re not exactly in a position to ask any favors.” But if I’d known Sarah Larson was in town! I would have driven my friend to Tacoma, dropped her off at the tour, then bought an ant farm and delivered it to Sarah Larson’s suitcase. I can’t believe I missed this opportunity.

Because, as much as I hate the girl, she’s not doing anything wrong in them. She’s not even naked for chrissake. She’s behaving like a run-of-the-mill twenty-something goofing around with her friends. There are 20,000 photos out there of me doing the same shit. In fact, there are plenty of photos of me out there doing worse shit. Just track down my Facebook page. Or MySpace. And it’s not something I’m embarrassed about or I hide because, ya know, I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m behaving like a single, childless twenty-something who hits the clubs or the beach and gets crazy with her girlfriends, because, like, it’s fun and normal and healthy to do that. I dunno, I guess I thought the story was kind of boring. I’m waiting for that little whore to cheat on George with, like, John Mayer. Those are the photos I’m waiting for.

But if you care, the whole set is here.

Here’s Sarah Larson, George Clooney’s hooker of a girlfriend, at the LA premiere of Leatherheads.

The photo agency has taken to identifying her as “Model Sarah Larson.”

WHAT. THE. FUCK?

She is not a model!!! She’s a fucking waitress!!! WHY DOES SHE GET TO MAGICALLY BE A MODEL NOW THAT SHE’S DATING GEORGE CLOONEY???

The world is just one big giant ball of injustices.

Cool dress, though. For a hooker.

Some dude who’s known Sarah Larson since fifth grade posted an extensive blog on his “friendship” with her.

It’s a pretty dull read — it seems like she was kind of a pain in the ass, but mostly just grew up behaving like any chick from suburban Washington.

But in case anyone cares, it’s here.

Can you believe this little bitch got a front-row seat at the Oscars?

Stupid hooker.

I do love the dress, though. It’s not exactly a traditional Oscar dress, and I give her props for having the guts to wear it, especially since she’s got no fucking business being at the Oscars anyway. It reminds me of, like, an ancient Japanese tapestry or something.

Fuck this.

Sources are reporting that George Clooney has been bugging his friend, director Stephen Soderbergh, to put his hooker girlfriend, Sarah Larson, in one of his upcoming movies, tentatively titled Garland Bunting Project. Georgey apparently thinks this little cum dumpster would make a great movie star.

I’m going to make a movie, too. It’s going to be called the Larson Hunting Project, and it’s going to be a documentary of me stalking Sarah Larson and throwing things at her — condoms, feces, apples, the usual — while calling her a slut at the top of my lungs. Then I will be a huge movie star, too. Stupid Sarah Larson. George Clooney was supposed to fall in love with me and make me a movie star. You ruined everything!!!

What happened to our perma-bachelor???

Who is this stupid hooker???? And why did George take her to some event in Italy??

She’s been around forever.

If you’re gonna get serious with someone, George, it really oughtta be me.