Where to begin?  First of all, I was really happy and relieved to learn that Samantha Ronson isn’t trying to make the moves on my Portia De Rossi.  The photo agency had the pics tagged incorrectly, and Sam was actually out to dinner with Drea De Matteo.  That raccoon tail really should have been the giveaway.  Two blondes with a “De” in their name, and a photographer who can’t tell the difference between the two — and I’m actually surprised by how similar they do look —  is all it takes to make a mistake and give me a nervous breakdown.  Speaking of nervous breakdowns, it looks like Lindsay wasn’t too happy about Sam and Drea having dinner together.

X17 has video of Lindsay arriving at Sam’s house at 6 a.m. and pathetically pounding on her door.  It’s kind of sad to watch, but it’s good for us to confirm that Lindsay isn’t getting her act together and is just as screwed up as ever.  Ronson let her in and near-immediate yelling commenced.  According to one of the photogs:  ”As soon as Lindsay was let in the house, her and Samantha began yelling at each other. Lindsay screamed a little bit at first, but then we heard Sam yell at Lindsay to get the f*ck out of her house! She sounded really irritated, and it seems like Lindsay was picking a fight with her over her dinner with Drea [de Matteo] at Nobu last night.”  You can watch the whole debacle unfold here.

I don’t even know where to begin.  First of all, what is Samantha Ronson doing with my beautiful lesbian crush Portia De Rossi?  According to my close scrutinizing, she’s just sharing a lighter.  Let’s hope it stays that way.  I don’t want my Portia anywhere near Sam “Concert T” Ronson.

Secondly, why is my beautiful lesbian crush looking like the general unwashed masses?  It’s her job to look stately and stunning and lipstick-ish.  Her clothes are dirty and she’s … she’s wearing her cellphone on her waistband!

Finally, and I find this a very difficult question to even pose, is that a raccoon tail I see?

Oh, happy day! Samantha and Lindsay back together, in broad daylight, like the star-crossed, coke-fueled lovers that they are. Lindsay and Sam had lunch at a Mexican restaurant in LA yesterday, and then headed out to see the American Idol tour. Yeah, you read that right. The American Idol tour. They both clearly loved it, Twittering about how Matt Giraud and Adam Lambert were so amazing. (No comments on Kris Allen, though.)

I thought about coming up with some kind of clever headline, but in this case, the truth is hilarious enough.

Lindsay tweeted Samantha Ronson with the message “Baby! Scott sent this. So weird!!!” and sent a link to this picture of a Volkswagen Beetle with a large photograph of a vagina plastered on the hood…the clitoral hood.*ba-dum-ching*

Edit: I should not have to point out that the picture is NSFW. But apparently, I do. That picture is NSFW.

Ed: Pics removed because I guess photo agencies like their exclusives to remain exclusive. Silliness!

Now that we’ve determined that America’s favorite legging-clad celebrity has reconciled with America’s favorite concert tee-clad DJ, they’ve taken to wearing matching necklaces.  And you just know these necklaces hold locks of each other’s hair.  Who do these two think they are?  Billy Bob and Angelina?

We, you and me and the rest of the general public, allknow that these two getting back together is a horrible idea.  But if you needed any further confirmation that this is a disaster-in-waiting, Michael Lohan has weighed in on the situation and was kind of, sort of, positive about it.  “I’m happy to see that while she (Lohan) was there (in London), Samantha had her business and Lindsay had her own and there was no turmoil. They were able to be in the same city abroad and there were no problems… Let’s see what happens.”  Anytime Michael Lohan thinks something is a good idea, I run in the opposite direction.

Listen, when the most positive thing you can say about a couple is, “Hey, they were in the same city at the same time and the cops didn’t have to get involved,” this is a sign that things need to end.  For good.  Sam and Linds — do you hear me?

Props to the London photogs for finally getting on the ball and snapping a ton of pics of Lindsay lately.

They caught Lindsay (wearing yet another pair of torn pants — maybe we need to start calling her ‘Ripped Torn’?) switching hotels in London. Lindsay spent the night last night at Samantha Ronson’s hotel (Sam’s still in London to DJ), but now she’s moving to the Mayfair Hotel, which is owned by Sir Bob Geldof, father of British tabloid mainstay Peaches Geldof. Lindsay reportedly will stay at the five-star hotel for a fraction of the usual price in exchange for being photographed repeatedly outside the hotel and mentioning it in interviews.

Works for me!

Wassamatter, Linds? La Lohan looked a little grumpy and disheveled as she left Samantha Ronson’s house on Wednesday. Sam just got back from a trip DJing overseas. I guess the reunion didn’t go as expected?

After walking out the gates, Lindsay poured her tiny, tiny self into what appears to be some manner of bullet-proof Rolls Royce. Rough life.