We thought it was done between Lindsay and Samantha, but that’s why we’re a bunch of idiots. Of course these two can keep their hands off of each other… except this time it’s less “heavy petting” and more “heavy beating”, if you know what I mean. If you don’t know what I mean, let me spell it out for you: These two broads have turned on each other and their relationship, according to sources, has gotten violent. From Radar:

“One time I saw her [Lindsay] and she had a large welt on her head,” the source told RadarOnline.com. “She told me that Sam beat the (bleep) out of her.

“She also said that Sam even punched and choked her one time.”

Yikes! And to add insult to injury (pun very much intended) these two crazy cats are living in the same building. If Lindsay’s bank account is in as much trouble as it’s rumored to be, Sam better be the one to make the move because I don’t think Lindsay even has the choice to go anywhere else. The source also told Radar:

“It’s so twisted. They’re not together, but they are,” said the source. “I never thought I’d ever say this, but I really do feel sorry for Lindsay. She is just lost. She’s alone. She has no friends to turn to.”

This is a seriously unhealthy situation for both parties. Last time I was in a relationship this tumultuous and immature, I know it would have gone on forever if it wasn’t time for me to go to college.

They’re too old for their families to control their lives and make them move on (although Samantha’s family has tried), but they’re probably so young that they can still handle this much drama and bullshit. What’s going to be the last straw for these two?

Lindsay Lohan may have just broken up with her girlfriend that was probably definitely a woman, Samantha Ronson, but that doesn’t mean that that’s going to hold a bitch back from getting her make-out on. Yesterday Lohan was caught on tape (sorry, no embed) sucking face with a dude after shopping a bit at a store called Church Boutique on Santa Monica Boulevard. According to TMZ, this bro is some French actor named Aurelien Wiik. That explains the smile she has when he’s holding the sides of her face and talking to her. The dude looks like John Mayer and has a French accent. Damn, Lohan. That wasn’t the kind of comeback I was hoping you’d have, but I will accept it.

TMZ is quick to point out that Lindz’ transition from having a girlfriend to having a boyfriend is awfully similar to another crazy actress, Anne Heche. I’m not so quick to agree. We know that Lindsay has a long list of men she’s bedded, but who knows who or what she’ll date after this guy. I’m thinking that she could blow through at least three chicks and two dudes before Valentine’s Day if she plays her cards right. More than that, Lohan has the potential to bring object-sexuality to the mainstream. There’s no stopping a woman on a mission, am I right?

John Mayer, who we all either love or hate consistently for his ridiculous public persona, has made headlines again for messing with chicks that he has no business being around. Except this time it’s a little different than that whole Jennifer Aniston thing… He was just trying to get the most famous lesbian couple in the world back together, and as a gossip blogger I have to thank him.

The details according to Hollyscoop:

“Lindsay and Sam didn’t arrive together. Lindsay walked in, and the two said a quick hello, but then Linds went to the table where John was sitting.”

According to the source, Sam eventually came over to the table but sat on the opposite side of John. The source says, “Lindsay looked upset that Sam hadn’t come over to her, and she started whispering to John, who looked like he was trying to calm her down. She looked pretty angry. Then John got up and went to talk to Sam.”

And whatever John said, it reportedly made a huge difference to the girls! Apparently after John’s little intervention, Lindsay and Sam spent the night talking and laughing.

“Lindsay seemed happier than she has in ages,” the spy says. “Sam eventually got up and deejayed for a while, and Lindsay kept standing up and looking over to the deejay booth, smiling.

OK, so probably what happened was John Mayer was holding court with some homies in a corner, Lohan came up to him all “Why isn’t Samantha talking to me?!” and stomping her feet and the whole deal and so then eventually John was like “Hold on, let me talk to her. Then John went to the DJ booth and was like “Go talk to Lindsay” and then Samantha was like “I can’t deal with that right now. I’m working.” Finally, John convinces Samantha to put her iPod on shuffle and she goes over to Lohan and tries to pretend everything is happy and normal for a few minutes. She was just putting in the time because it would buy her some breathing room. You know that move, you know how that works.

But John Mayer is totally a connecter, you guys. You heard it here third.

I’ve had a weird fascination with Courtenay Semel ever since she was on that random TV show where they made spoiled rich kids drive cattle. I think it has something to do with the way her first name is spelled. I just don’t think I’d be able to talk to her without being all like, “Heeeeey, Court-e-naaaaaay.” Also it’s a neat coincidence that the last sound there is “neigh” and she kind of looks like a horse. That was mean. Pretend I didn’t say it.

Anyway. Court’s on the cover of lesbo-riffic mag Curve this month, and what would she talk about if not her (non-) relationship with Lindsay Lohan? Oh, right, and that rehab stint earlier this year:

“I always said you’ll never see me get a DUI, you’ll never see me falling drunk out of a club, you’ll never see me get arrested, you’ll never see that side of me and unfortunately, it did happen. I did take responsibility for my actions. … But, at the same time, I think, you know, everyone scrutinizes, Lindsay for everything she went through, but they should thank her, because it shows you exactly what not to do … I would like to say that Lindsay and I would make a really hot couple, but unfortunately we were best friends and the media kind of ruined that relationship. Let’s put it this way, it’s kind of like another one of … my little frenemies out there was protecting their own self and their own relationship and threw us under the bus. But, for me, it was like, I would go to an event and they would start to say, ‘So you and Lindsay aren’t friends anymore,’ and I’m like, ‘Oh, really? That’s news to me.’”

Ummmm, is that Courtenay Semel accusing Samantha Ronson of planting rumors in the press? That’s sure what it sounds like to me.

My Lord, I’m so glad I’m not famous. These people are terrible.

More pics of the twosome in happier days (late 2007-ish) are in the gallery.

Ha ha ha I’d totally write something more but I’m laughing too hard at my own headline.

Okay but seriously people help me finish this sentence:

“Samantha Ronson secretly stayed with Lindsay Lohan in Singapore and ____________________ .”

Your imaginative responses go in the comments.

It’s reassuring to see that nothing has changed while I was away.  Sure, Lindsay may have finally switched over to her lindsaylohan account name (and I don’t blame her for trying to distance herself from that other ID that forever linked her with that DayGlo spray tanner in a can, sevinnyne6126), but other than that, I see she’s still sharing her angst with the Twitterverse.

In today’s installment of Lindsanity, the actress laments the mutual but impossible love that she shares with Samantha Ronson.  Two star-crossed lovers who can’t be together due to Sam’s disapproving family — a family comprised of a Grammy-winning music exec and a well-established clothing designer who apparently “hate” Sam’s ability to work a turntable.  What’s a talentless, singer/actress/model/director/fashion consultant/fame whore/stalker to do?

Just what Hollywood needs, another overpriced, C-list laden, paparazzi covered bar!

The opening night of new club Voyeur went down on Thursday and tons of celebs came out (read: got free bottle service) to be there for all the madness. Samantha Ronson, Gerard Butler, Shane West and Shanna Moakler were snapped headed in and out of the club by the paparazzi, who must have been taking a break from standing in front of Teddy’s or Guys and Dolls or wherever the hell the kids are going these days. Bardot. Is that one of them? H-Wood? Is that still open? Hyde? Les Deux? Opera? Anyone wanna play a game of LA-club based Scategories?

In case you were wondering, it seems that there is still something going on with Samantha and Lindsay.  How did I live previous to the incarnation of Twitter?  It’s like having kids; I can’t remember my life “before”.  

So, today Samantha Ronson lamented early bedtimes.  Lindsay — and pay attention because she finally got control of the name Lindsay Lohan on Twitter.  I think she’ll be switching over in the next couple days — replied almost immediately offering herself up.  And this is why I know Lindsay is a drugged up waste right now.  Because there is no edit.  It’s not refreshing honesty like you’d expect from Kate Winslet or even crazy couch-jumping proclamations like we saw with Tom Cruise.  It’s just an outright, cringe-worthy, 140 characters or less pussy proffering for all the world to witness.  It’s probably the biggest reason why I can’t be an actual Lohan hater.  Sure, she’s patchy and unemployed, but also so obviously in need of attention:  I suspect medical and mental.

In case you missed it, La Lohan is blonde. And has been for a few days. Lindsay was spotted leaving Sam’s house yesterday afternoon with her newly deep fried locks cracklin’ in the wind like the hayfields of the Oaklahoma dust bowl. A few moments later, Samro exited carrying an empty pizza box and trying to avoid the paps.

The question I have for you is this: Do you care?

I can’t believe I just found this video this afternoon. Where the hell were you guys on this?? I should have had a minimum of 10 emails alerting me to this FANTASTIC clip that TMZ posted yesterday morning. Basically, Lindsay Lohan was waiting outside Samantha Ronson’s house at five in the morning, and when Sam came home she totally lost her shit. The paps got it all on tape. Sam is, of course, totally sober and sane, and Lindsay is wailing and crazy and obviously totally high. Here’s a basic transcript, courtesy of OK! magazine, or you can watch the vid here:

Lindsay: Samantha where were you? You lost it, what’s wrong with you? (Sam walks to her door, as Lindsay squeals to the other girl) Stop! Stop!
Sam: Who is this person?
Lindsay: (clearly confused crying) I’m your girlfriend!
Sam: No, who’s this other person here?
Lindsay: You know her…
Sam: So why were you yelling at her to stop?
Lindsay: Because she was just touching me. Where were you?!?
Sam: Okay. This one has to go.
Lindsay: Don’t talk to my friend like that, Samantha.
Sam: She’s on my property, I don’t know her, I want her out. It’s that simple.
(some unintelligible talking)
Lindsay: Where were you? Where were you? Where were you? Where were you? Where were you?
Sam: I was with my sister.
Lindsay: You’re lying!
Sam: Yeah, I’m lying. Seriously, please please. [To the other girl.] Go to the car, homie. I don’t know who you are.
Lindsay: I’ve been waiting for you for THREE HOURS.

Then the girl walks outside Sam’s gate, realizes (???) that there are paparazzi there, covers her face and stumbles out. Sam tells her to call a cab and even the paparazzi check to confirm she’s not driving. Then Sam and Lindsay head inside.

Samantha, WHY DO YOU PUT UP WITH THIS? This is total insanity. You seem like a relatively grounded woman. You’re dating a crazy child. And you’re not helping her by allowing this behavior.

Slumber party!!!!

A bra-free Lindsay was spotted leaving Samantha’s house yesterday with a bag filled up with what looks like clothes. I’m sure toward the bottom she has the rest of the usuals: toothbrush, toothpaste, face wash, conflict resolution techniques, etc. Everything she needs to spend the night.

Where to begin?  First of all, I was really happy and relieved to learn that Samantha Ronson isn’t trying to make the moves on my Portia De Rossi.  The photo agency had the pics tagged incorrectly, and Sam was actually out to dinner with Drea De Matteo.  That raccoon tail really should have been the giveaway.  Two blondes with a “De” in their name, and a photographer who can’t tell the difference between the two — and I’m actually surprised by how similar they do look —  is all it takes to make a mistake and give me a nervous breakdown.  Speaking of nervous breakdowns, it looks like Lindsay wasn’t too happy about Sam and Drea having dinner together.

X17 has video of Lindsay arriving at Sam’s house at 6 a.m. and pathetically pounding on her door.  It’s kind of sad to watch, but it’s good for us to confirm that Lindsay isn’t getting her act together and is just as screwed up as ever.  Ronson let her in and near-immediate yelling commenced.  According to one of the photogs:  ”As soon as Lindsay was let in the house, her and Samantha began yelling at each other. Lindsay screamed a little bit at first, but then we heard Sam yell at Lindsay to get the f*ck out of her house! She sounded really irritated, and it seems like Lindsay was picking a fight with her over her dinner with Drea [de Matteo] at Nobu last night.”  You can watch the whole debacle unfold here.