I’m going to leave it as an exercise for the reader to determine where the commas go in the above header.

Ryan Seacrest got bit by a shark while swimming in the ocean this weekend. “He took a bite, and he left,” said Ryan on his radio show this morning. He said he later found one of the shark’s teeth in him. “It was like finding a splinter!”

You know this is all a total cover-up. Ryan’s sex party got a little out-of-hand Saturday night, and he needed to explain away the strange bite marks. And he didn’t find a shark tooth inside him so much as a giant penis, probably.

Check out this little video of Extra’s Terri Seymour (who also happens to be Simon Cowell’s longtime girlfriend) interviewing Ryan Seacrest at a Details magazine party.

She’s basically trying to get him to admit that he’s banging Holly Huddleston from Sunset Tan, which is Hollywood’s worst-kept secret these days, but he refuses to do it.

Watch at the very end, when Ryan says to Terri — under his breath and without moving his lips — “Sorry about that.”

Interesting.

‘Nuff said.

I can’t stop laughing.

I know I have a habit of picking these random D-listers to fall in love with, but I absolutely adore Holly Huddleston, of “Olly Girls” fame. I love both of them. Holly and Molly. I just think they’re adorable and funny and cute and I want to put them in my pocket and have them jump out to say dumb things in a cute voice when I’m sad.

But here’s Hollywood’s best-kept secret: Holly’s actually quite bright. As is Ryan Seacrest.

And now word on the street is that they’ve been secretly dating for months.

InTouch Weekly is reporting that Holly’s been spotted cuddling with Ryan backstage at American Idol tapings.

Oh, oh, I hope this is true! They’d be really cute together, and it would extend Holly’s 15 minutes a little further. I want her to stick around!

What, no purple vest? No sequined belt? A shirt totally devoid of a snarky witticism?

Is Ryan Seacrest okay?

Also: is it just me, or is he putting on weight?

At Tenjune in NYC.

Britney’s trainwreck of a promotional tour — beginning and ending, she says, with this Ryan Seacrest interview — is now available for your listening pleasure. Click here.

God, I feel bad for Ryan. This thing was such a nightmare. I only got through 2 1/2 minutes, and then it hurt too bad. I’m not a very thorough journalist. Please let me know if anything less painful happened in the remaining 20 minutes.

Britney Spears’ album is expected to be #1 on the charts this week.

The real question is: what isn’t Ryan Seacrest hosting these days?

Ryan Seacrest is hosting the Emmys. Ryan Seacrest is hosting the Super Bowl pre-game party. Ryan Seacrest is hosting American Idol. Ryan Seacrest is hosting on E! Ryan Seacrest is hosting his KIIS-FM radio show.

The only thing Ryan Seacrest still isn’t hosting is a girlfriend. I’d mention that I’m available for the position, if I thought it were available. But, I think he’s looking to fill a different position, if you know what I mean.

“Ryan Seacrest appeals to a broad audience, including the highly desirable young adult demographic, so he should serve as a magnet for attracting a diverse array of viewers to our Emmy telecast,” said Dick Askin, chairman and chief executive officer of the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences.

Yeah, right. You could have Barney host the Emmys and it still wouldn’t attract a younger audience, guys. But it’s sweet of you to try.

Ryan Seacrest premiered Heidi Montag’s first “single” this morning in LA. Spencer Pratt raps on it.

Apparently Ryan was not supposed to do this, and Heidi’s been crying about it all morning.

Awwww. Poor baby.

“The record company leaked the track,” says a source. “Spencer and Heidi were just having fun in the studio and working on songs. That was not meant to be released. Spencer would never rap on Heidi’s first single.”

The truth is, the song isn’t bad. I’m still Team LC, but I could definitely hear this playing in a club. Definitely way better than anything P-Hilt churned out.

Listen to it here.