You know, sometimes I ask myself, “Why do we build these celebrities up just to tear them down? To take such joy in their personal sorrows? Why do I participate in such an industry?”

And then I read this sort of bullshit from Scarlett Johansson, in a new interview with Allure, where she’s ohhhhhh so in love with her quickie hubby Ryan Reynolds — for instance, when told by the interviewer that she inspired Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl,” Scarlett said “That’s flattering, but my lips are kind of taken.” And then she’s all like, “I always wanted to get married and have kids. I just never had any preconceived idea about what that would be like … My life seems to be happening naturally.” And when asked how she and Ryan met, she’s like “Nobody knows. It’s private. It’s our story.” And it’s all just SO FREAKIN’ OBNOXIOUS. We get it, Scarlett. Your life is so perfect and you’re so in love and everything is wonderful and ideal and you look down your nose at us poor slobs who only wish we could have it as good and “natural” as you.

And it’s at moments like this where I’m like, “Dude, I cannot fucking wait until this relationship blows up in her face and I get to write about it.”

On Sunday, Ryan Reynolds completed the New York City Marathon in 3 hours, 50 minutes and 22 seconds, a perfectly respectable time for a virgin marathoner. He competed to raise money for the Michael J. Fox Foundation, inspired by his father’s own battle with Parkinsons.

“When I saw Michael J. Fox on Fifth Avenue, I gained about 15 pounds in goose bumps. It kind of pushed me through the last six miles or so,” he said.

Stop doing shit like this, Ryan, or else I’ll have to stop hating you, and I’m just not sure either of us is really ready for that.

Why does everybody insist on running everywhere these days?

It’s so annoying.

Ryan Reynolds has announced that he’ll be running the New York marathon on November 2.

He’s doing it to support people with Parkinsons Disease, like his own father, as he details in an open letter published in the Huffington Post, which, I have to admit, doesn’t totally suck and, for once in my life, I’m not going to be snarky about the writing skills of a Hollywood actor.

Seriously, though, I kind of have it in my head to train for the Rock ‘n Roll half-marathon in Phoenix in January. I’m kind of tiptoeing toward it. Right now, I’m just working on running three miles without dying. We’ll see what happens from there. My friend Trish and I are trying to train together, but every time we plan to run together, it rains. Winter time in Seattle is maybe not the best time to train for a half-marathon. But if I’m not going to have a baby out of wedlock like all the stars, at least I can run a lot of miles like they all do.

After talking incessantly about how they were going to have a long engagement, Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds tied the knot this weekend in a low-key ceremony near Vancouver, British Columbia.

Can’t wait for the pregnancy announcement!

Since her ex Ryan Reynolds has begun blogging for the Huffington Post (and I won’t get into this in much detail, but his stuff is so overwritten and irrelevant and annoying — we get it, Ryan. You know big words and you’re a famous actor. Big props to you, buddy.), Perez has offered Alanis an opportunity to blog for him!

We’d like to offer Alanis Morissette her own little online outlet to talk about whatever she wants.

Write an essay for us!

Alanis writing for Perez!!!!! I love it. Come on, Alanis. After So-Called Chaos, you owe us.

Also, this is the slowest news day ever.

Scarlett Jo (full last name withheld due to possible spelling errors) is maybe possibly dating someone new.

People Magazine is all over it!

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds spent a busy weekend in New York City together. On Saturday night, the pair were seen getting close at the Manhattan restaurant Odeon. “They were in a good mood,” says one eyewitness who saw them laughing and smiling. “They were definitely holding hands,” says another observer. “They were a cute couple!”

Hey there observer, you watch yourself. I’ll be the judge as to whether they are a cute couple. Okay, I’ve decided. They’re not.

More after the jump. (more…)

Jessica Biel sure is a slut pretty. She’s just everyone’s favorite rebound girl. After breaking up with Derek Jeter earlier this year, Jessica promptly jumped into bed with Justin Timberlake, who had split from Cameron Diaz mere weeks before. Her latest target is hottie Ryan Reynolds, who ended his on-again-off-again engagement to Alanis Morissette (who?) in early February.

The two hard-bodies were spotted at a dinner date at Santa Monica’s Balabu this week. They would certainly have very hot babies, but, honestly, can’t Jessica give her fellow actresses a tiny bit of breathing room before hopping on their men?