Underneath all his swarthy, unwashed pirate swag Russell Brand is an intelligent, intuitive, incorrigible human being and for that I love him.

You see, Russell saw this supposed ‘autobiography’ put out by Miley Cyrus and he’s simply not having it.

 ”Miley Cyrus?” the 33-year-old star said when he was informed about her tome. “She’s only been alive half an hour. What’s she going to say: ‘The womb was warm?’”

“It’s nice in there. There’s all sorts of fluids,” he continued criticizing Miley’s tome. “That’s not a book. I don’t buy it. It’s a very short story. Anything that’s been written by a sperm and an ovum–it’s too short.”

Now, Russell may be feeling extra critical towards other autobiographies because he’s in the process of putting together his own. But his autobiography talks about things like ‘how his father introduced him to prostitutes on a trip to Asia’ and ‘how he once got into a naked, drug-fueled brawl with a stripper’.  THOSE are the kinds of stories you need for a book about your life.

Who wants to read about bullies and sandwiches when you can have stripper fights and Asian hookers?

Russell Brand has shared new revelations about his favorite hobby, and no, it’s not experimenting with eyeliner.  He sleeps with three women a day.  I can’t find a way to exercise three times a month, but he fucks every eight hours.  And I don’t mean that he has a rotating line-up of two or three women.  Ninety.  Different.  Women.  Each.  Month.  Whatever.

I don’t understand the allure of this modern day Wilt Chamberlain.  Attractive?  No.  Funny?  Absolutely not.  Hygenic?  Rhetorical.  Are there really that many fame whores out there to keep up his endless supply of pussy?  Does he have a sex scheduler who makes all the hotel reservations?  These are the questions that keep me awake at night; I have to know how this obsessive screwing works.

Brand has a long history of alcohol and substance abuse yet claims to be clean since 2002.  His Wikipedia page lists him as a recovering sex addict.  Time for an update!

He’s currently filming The Tempest with Helen Mirren, a woman he admits he’d like to “cuddle in a bra” with.  Wow, he really is an addict.

I highly recommend you all read this interview that Defamer did with Russell Brand, the British actor trying to make a splash on the U.S. scene when he hosts the upcoming VMAs.

They basically give him a pop quiz on pop culture, and there are a lot of funny bits in there, but here’s one of my favorites:

DEFAMER: Here’s another easy one: Amy Winehouse.
RUSSELL: Amy has been on several of my television shows in the United Kingdom. She’s a very talented and beautiful girl and in my house, to this day, I have a Mexican doll that for a while lived in her hair.
DEFAMER: [laughs]
RUSSELL: You know those Mexican worry dolls? Or maybe they’re Colombian. You sort of tell it your worries. She took it out of her hair once, gave it to me, and I treasure that little worry doll.

So, yeah.

Amy Winehouse keeps worry dolls in her beehive.

Russell should try unscrewing the head off that worry doll. There’s like $20K worth of heroin in there. Just FYI.

Here’s the Britney Spears promo for the 2008 VMAs, with host Russell Brand, whose last name she apparently cannot remember. I don’t know if they even scripted this thing. They probably just turned the camera on and waited, knowing full well that Britney would be unintentionally hilarious at some point.

I have to admit, though, she looks hot here.

There was talk of Britney Spears getting a “do-over” performance at the 2008 VMAs, but since her 2007 performance resulted in three public hangings and an invite-only beheading at MTV’s New York City offices, it looks like the staff thought better of it. Britney will not perform live on the VMAs. Instead, she recorded a promo clip with the host, Russell Brand. (Can’t figure out where you know Russell Brand from? He was the crazy rock star dude in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.)

The spot apparently pokes fun at her god-awful performance from last year, and it seems it involves some manner of literal elephant in the room.

Sigh.