I don’t even know what to make of this. My head’s kind of exploding right now.

Paris Hilton.

David Hasselhoff.

Matthew Perry.

Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge.

Rumer Willis.

Lacey Chabert.

Tila Tequila.

Lydia Hearst.

Aubrey O’Day.

Aubrey O’Day’s extensions.

Cory Kennedy. (Everyone’s favorite teenage heroin addict!)

I don’t even know which joke to make first. It’s overwhelming!!! I want to write an entire short story about this night!! Or film a season of The Surreal Life!

Were they holding an AA meeting afterwards? Are you even allowed to attend AA meetings if your last name’s Tequila? Honestly, the only thing this all-star team was missing was its group counselor.

Or did attendance count as some manner of community service?

I just don’t understand!

A couple other points:

1) Paris Hilton needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. In fact, the whole world needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. We need to start flying planes over third-world countries and dropping pamphlets with a variety of pictographic instructions informing them that no one, anywhere, ever, is to wear a jumpsuit like that ever again.

2) Rumer Willis’s hair is back to brunette. And it’s curly now. Not, like, a luxurious curl. More of an I-didn’t-realize-I-wasn’t-supposed-to -have-the-blow-dryer-in-the-bathtub curl.

Why do I care about Rumer Willis?

Why do you?

What does she do?

Why do I run her picture when it shows up?

It’s not like it’s a slow news week. It’s only Monday, and already Owen Wilson’s tried to off himself, Nick Hogan nearly killed himself drag-racing, and a bigot Idaho senator got caught in “lewd” bathroom acts with another man.

And yet, I feel moved to run this new picture of Rumer Fucking Willis at the LG House in Malibu. I think I’m fascinated by the flatness of her stomach. I have to share it with all of you.

I just want to say, for all of you commenters out there who feel obliged to mention that I need to get a life, and that it’s really sad that this is what I do/think about all day: I know. I know that, guys.

Our budding Humanitarian of the Year showed up at yet another charity function: Helio’s Summer Celebration, benefiting Heal the Bay. HTB is a “nonprofit environmental organization dedicated to making Southern California coastal waters and watersheds, including Santa Monica Bay, safe, healthy and clean.”

The event was hosted by Amy Smart and Emmy Rossum, but I’m sure Paris commanded the majority of the attention. A bespectacled Rumer Willis made an appearance, as did Lindsay Lohan’s summer 2006 love, Harry Morton, who we haven’t seen in quite some time.

Mark my words on this, people. I’m just saying now that I called it. And if I’m still doing this shit in five years I will refer you all back to this post when she’s ridiculously famous. Also, if I’m still doing this shit in five years, kill me.

Rumer’s the oldest, and she’s kind of tip-toeing onto the celebutante scene, and we’re trying to welcome her because God knows we need some new blood around here, but the fact is she’s not all that attractive or interesting and photos of her tend to fall a little flat.

But Tallulah? Look at her. The camera loves this girl. Your eye immediately goes to her. She has that thing. She just looks like trouble. She’s only 13 now, so you’ve gotta give her a few years to build up a drug habit, but I guarantee you people this girl is going to be all over these blogs by 2011 or so.

At the Live Free or Die Hard premiere in NYC.

Rumer Willis decided that an ill-fitting top and some leopard print palazzo pants would be a great idea. It was not a great idea as seen here. I really think that girls who have not so pretty faces need to wear long hair. The pixie thing only works for Natalie Portman-equse beauties. Rumer is getting on my nerves just a bit. She has famous parents and some famous friends but seriously is getting up there in the fug department.

Rumer Willis, 18, hits up Hyde last night for the club’s first anniversary. (And, with any luck, its last.) Paris Hilton also chose last night to make a brief pit stop in her spiritual journey and spend some time celebrating the one-year of her favorite stomping grounds.

Photo Credit: BuzzFoto

Rumer Willis shows up at Paris Hilton’s house after what must have been a late-night visit to the optometrist.

Photo credit: BuzzFoto